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The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

"So morbid...a sentimental replica of a planet long since vanished..."
~ General Zod

 

Pickle Licker

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Best Photo(s) I've Seen Today

Amy Winehouse and her boyfriend got into a scrap, apparently...



Seriously, I don't think this bitch gets out of bed and shits without that HEINOUS make-up on her eyes. I totally understand the need to channel Ronnie Spector, but there IS a limit.

GUH. :x
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Friday Feast #157

Appetizer
Say there’s a book written about your life. Who would you want to narrate the audio version?
Morgan Freeman

Soup
Take the letters from your favorite kind of nut and write a sentence. (Example: Perhaps every avenue needs understanding today.)
Can any sin help every woman?

Salad
If you could go back in time and spend one week in another decade, which decade would you choose?
The 70s.

Main Course
Name a song that brings back memories for you.
Hmmm...Don't Leave Me This Way, Thelma Houston

Dessert
Do you prefer to wash your hands in cold water or warm water?
Hot.

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Gregorious - NMKY

Couldn't get this thing to embed so check the link.
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Bits 'O' Tid

In my ongoing and neverending attempts to be better than you, I have decided to revive the term 'commode' in reference to that piece lavatory furniture we are all so fond of. True, 'commode' is only used in modern times to refer to a shitbowl, but I've decided the practice is in no way widespread enough for my liking.

Also, isn't it interesting that in March, +17° is incredibly hot...almost uncomfortable. Yet today, on August 20, +17° is positively frigid... ...uncomfortable even.

Discuss.

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Vikent, ja!

Greetings one and...one. To the myriad of tens that read this ye ole blog...

This past weekend was a nice one. Stress free (for the most part) and full of chill get togethers. Recently, it has come to my attention that I'm really not that into going out for drinks at bars. Is that wrong? I wondered if it was wrong for the longest time, but I've realized that by NOT going to bars to drink, I manage to a) save money, b) avoid drama, c) get up earlier on weekends and d) and e).

It's not that I necessarily dislike the people I hang with at bars, but I'm trying to save up to buy skiis for this winter. I used to be an avid skiier in highschool - I would venture to say that I was actually quite good. In any event, I want to get back into it because, although expensive, it's a damn good time. A great way to spend a day with friends who have a similar interest. The prospect of buying skiis, bindings, boots, poles, an appropriate outfit, ski-bag, etc., etc., etc.. is a daunting, not to mention expensive, one.

In keeping, I stuck fairly close to home this weekend, venturing out only to go with Tyler on Saturday morning to IKEA, Crappy Tire and Home Depot. The extended ordeal of retrieving my Zipcar was annoying, but we eventually managed to find it. I picked up tealights; a shower liner; and reflectors, a bell plus a waterbottle with bracket for my bike. T had to get a big coffee table, paint...more important things. I was happy to drive, though, DVP traffic notwithstanding.

Sunday was a lazy one. When I eventually managed to pry myself out of bed, I sat around in my underwear until about 3pm. Headed up to Sky Lounge to play videogames for the rest of the day until BB came on. Seriously, Big Brother 8 is pretty badass thus far.

JAMEKA, JAMEKA, JAMEKA!

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Friday Feast #156

Appetizer
Describe your laundry routine. Do you have a certain day when you do it all, or do you just wash whatever you need for the next day?
I separate everything into whites, blacks and the rest...I do it before 8am if possible, usually on a weekend.

Soup
In your opinion, what age will you be when you’ll consider yourself to truly be old?
30? EEK!

Salad
What is one of your goals? Is it short-term, long-term, or both?
Finishing school and becoming a teacher. WAY long-term. lol

Main Course
Name something unbelievable you’ve seen or read lately.
Some story about a security guard tazering a dude carrying a baby...

Dessert
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how happy are you today?
7

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Office Talk

I'm sitting at my desk, minding my own business, listening to Howard Stern through a single headphone bud in my left ear...

Office Co-Worker comes up to talk to my manager, who happens to be standing behind me. They talk and my manager goes into her office. Office Co-Worker looks at me and goes, "Sean! I didn't see your beard before."

"Oh, yeah...grew it a while back," I replied.

"I don't come down here often so I haven't seen it."

"I get ya."

"It makes you look older."

"Excuse me?"

"No, sorry...I mean, it makes you look more sinister."

"More sinister?" I was silently annoyed by the exchange at this point, but my manager came back out of her office and says, "I like it. It looks sharp."

"Thanks," I replied.

Office Co-Worker fumphered, "Well, I don't mean you looked sinister before, I just mean it makes you look sinister now."

"Ah, cool. Thank you?"


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Best Photo I've Seen Today


Drew Carey's arm after a shocking on-set mishap with the turntable on the Grocery Game during a Price is Right rehersal.

No lie.

I guess Bob Barker did really know this shit like no one else...

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LIVID!

Just came back upstairs from a short trip to the grocery store below my building. I bought a set of chipotle pork steaks because the only meat I have in my apartment is frozen and it's too much of a hassle to defrost it. I get back up to my apartment and look at the meat...then I notice the best before date.

August 3, 2007.

I bought this on August 13, 2007.

That's 10 days since it went past due.

You're seriously telling me those fucking low lifes that work in the grocery store missed it for 10 FUCKING days? Christ - I'm so pissed off right now.

I threw out the steaks because I opened them, thinking that the best before sticker was a typo or something...believe me, they smelled like they were 10 days past the best before date. I'm just apalled that it was still on the store shelf.

I really should have checked in the store, I know...I accept that. But...10 DAYS?! You gotta be kidding me.

I was going to return it since I still had the receipt, but seriously, I doubt I would have gotten my money back - they were open. The store isn't exactly known for it's 'freshness' unfortunately.

So bummed...and hungry for pork.
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Recapitus Weekendus

Look up...look waaaaaay up.


One little chair for one of you, and a bigger chair for two more to curl up in, and for someone who likes to rock, a rocking chair in the middle.

Greetings once again, Gentle Readers. The weekend that was went a little something like this...

I decided early on in the weekend that I wanted to accomplish two things: #1 - spend as little money as possible, and #2 - get as much homework done as possible. One of these things did get done and one did not. I can't say which, but I can tell you I went out of this weekend with as much money as I went in with...
Since my homework was obviously not going to get done (what else is new), I decided to have a "Me" weekend, which really only differentiates itself from a "Me" day or a "Me" week in that it takes place on a weekend. Friday and Saturday were both chill evenings, both fun.
Sunday, T and I had decided that bikes are splendiferous things that are meant to be ridden. In keeping, we planned to head out to Scarborough Bluffs. (Well, I decided that's where we should go because I'd never been.) Then we discovered that the Scarborough Bluffs are just short of airplane travelling distance, but concluded that regardless, it would be fun to ride out there. A subway was relatively close to the bluffs (!) so we could always take that route home.
We started the journey around 12:30 on Sunday and headed across the Bloor Viaduct, then up Broadview until it split off down into the ravine. Then we were on the most beautiful bike trail that stretched for at least 2 or 3 kilometers, probably more. There were other bikers, but you really didn't run into that many people. We did have a somewhat close encounter with a pair of deer, which was a surprise in downtown Toronto.
As we finished the bike trail, we headed up some street and hit St. Clair West, which was the street we were aiming for. As we turned left onto St. Clair, I started to get a sinking feeling as several uphill sections sprawled out ahead of us. :s
It turned out that it wasn't that bad and we eventually hit Birchwood (I think) and turned south, heading into Bluff territory. The amount of cars towing boats increased dramatically. As we got to the top of a huge drop, we pondered whether or not to actually lock up our bikes and walk it. I couldn't resist the temptation of going headlong into a ditch at 50 kmh, so I started down. As I got closer and closer to the bottom and closer and closer to losing control of my bike, I skidded to a stop. We hit the end of the hill and the rain that had been forecast earlier began to fall. It wasn't that wet but it got to a point where we had to look for cover in the middle of a huge parking lot. As we headed under the doorway of a small concrete structure, the marina-going public began to run for their lives, heading to their cars and speeding off back up the hill.
The rain stopped and started, never really gaining any significant strength so we decided to head off towards the really dramatic looking cliffs past the marina. As we turned onto the road to take us there, the heavens opened up in one of the most severe rainstorms I've ever been caught in. The thunder began booming insistently and I told T that I didn't really feel comfortable near the water with no cover, riding a hulking piece of metal. Sure, the tires probably meant that we'd both be fine, but the trip went from really cool to really lame in a nano-second for me.
What we hadn't anticipated was the climb back up the hill towards civilization. Trudging along in the torrential downpour, I realized that the Bluffs (or at least the hill to the Bluffs) was more a car-thing than a bike-thing, or even a foot-thing. Still, there was no turning back and as the warm rain soaked through to the more nether of my nether-regions, I realized that it wasn't so bad. We certainly got an obscene amount of exercise...and water soaked clothing. All the food and drink we'd brought was for naught, but it was Big Brother night, so I'm sure it would get used up eventually if not immediately. The cache of watermelon cubes I'd so carefully sliced did come in handy back at home...
We got back to the Danforth (like the most ghetto of ghetto ends of the Danforth) and headed towards Victoria Park subway station. Eventually we found it and that's when the day took on a seedy, underbelly-of-society tone as T and I both got on the subway with our bikes, our painted-on-soaking-wet clothes and our backpacks dripping everywhere. I stood and he sat but both of us were done with the world, especially T. As we headed into Donlands station, I realized we'd hit the rush hour of Taste of the Danforth. Since it was raining, the subway station was full of families and children, all slightly soaked, ready to enter onto this train with two wet blankets.
I can't remember what station it was after that that we pulled into, but this young guy with a bike, who was soaked too, happened to be standing at the spot our door opened at. I gave him a look and he decided to park his bike in the next subway car over...
Got home finally, took the hottest, soapiest shower ever and thought back on the events of day. I realized the first two-thirds of the trip was quite fun and quite strenuous (in a good way). Once we hit the Bluffs though, the entire thing fell to pieces and I didn't really even get to see anything that I wanted to see. I didn't take any pictures once there because of the pouring rain - I think I actually got a picture of me moments before God flushed his toilet, still looking happy but tired. All in all, a good outing. I shall listen to CP24 more closely next time.

UPDATE: Some piccies for ya...



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Traffic of a different kind...

Many, many, many moons ago, I posted an article about a certain A-list celebrity who's into Scientology and married to that girl who wasn't brought back for Batman Begins 2. Are we all on the same page? Good. I resist mentioning him by name for reasons which will become clear below.
Because I posted that article, anyone typing in the actor's name and 'gay' is led to my page very early on in the search results. Consequently, I have hundreds of visitors from all over the world who really want to know whether or not said A-lister is actually a homosexual. Personally, I think it's funny that about 50% of my traffic is made up of inquiring minds who want to know who then end up reading my Tips for Retards. Perhaps it's poetic justice as it is likely they are the audience I'm speaking to when I come up with those tips...


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City Hall Smackdown

Sometimes municipal politics can be intriguing to say the least.
BREAKING NEWS: City torches services, fireworks ensue

City Manager Shirley Hoy announced a list of cuts to City services at a noon-hour press conference at City Hall. The cuts reduce 2007 operating budget expenditures by $34.4 million in 2007 and $83 million in 2008.

Cuts will affect Parks & Recreation, Municipal Liscencing and Standards, Solid Waste Management, Transportation and Public Health, among other parts of the City.

The most significant cuts include closing all community centers on Mondays, laying off seasonal litter pickers two weeks early and reducing street cleaning, cancelling road repairs, deferring green roof projects and cancelling public health programs for new parents and people trying to quit smoking. Many other services will take longer to receive than they do now.

It’s expected 3,000 workers will be impacted through reduced hours and earlier than expected layoffs.

Through the afternoon I’ll provide more detail on the cuts announced and provide analysis.

After the formal press conference concluded, Councillor Adam Vaughan got into a war of words with Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong in the middle of a media scrum. Vaughan took offense to Minnan-Wong misleading the media and the public with facts that he knows are half-truths or out right lies. The arguement lasted more than five minutes with Vaughan questioning Minnan-Wong’s work ethic and Minnan-Wong slagging Vaughan for dividing his time between his duties as councillor with his CityTV show.

When that arguement began to cool, Councillor Howard Moscoe jumped in to ask Minnan-Wong if he would vote to cut all snow shoveling service in North York. Moscoe didn’t receive a response. Then it was Councillor Glen De Baeremaeker’s turn to jump in, accusing Minnan-Wong of using politics his of deception to force the closure of libraries and community centers.
Source

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Best Email I've Received Today

Just had this forwarded to me...I think the stupidity is pretty self-evident...
> >Two moons on 27th August 2007*
> >
> >*27th August; the day the Whole World is waiting for ......
> >
> >Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August.
> >
> >It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will
> >cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65 Million miles of
> >earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look
> >like the earth has 2 moons.
> >The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.
> >
> >Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it
> >again.

Hmmmmmm....


cul·ti·vate /ˈkʌltəˌveɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhl-tuh-veyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object), -vat·ed, -vat·ing.
1. to prepare and work on (land) in order to raise crops; till.
2. to use a cultivator on.
3. to promote or improve the growth of (a plant, crop, etc.) by labor and attention.
4. to produce by culture: to cultivate a strain of bacteria.
5. to develop or improve by education or training; train; refine: to cultivate a singing voice.
6. to promote the growth or development of (an art, science, etc.); foster.
7. to devote oneself to (an art, science, etc.).
8. to seek to promote or foster (friendship, love, etc.).
9. to seek the acquaintance or friendship of (a person).


Hmmmmmm...?


cul·mi·nate /ˈkʌlməˌneɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhl-muh-neyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing.
–verb (used without object)
1. to reach the highest point, summit, or highest development (usually fol. by in).
2. to end or arrive at a final stage (usually fol. by in): The argument culminated in a fistfight.
3. to rise to or form an apex; terminate (usually fol. by in): The tower culminates in a tall spire.
4. Astronomy. (of a celestial body) to be on the meridian, or reach the highest or the lowest altitude.
–verb (used with object)
5. to bring to a close; complete; climax: A rock song culminates the performance.


Yes, I'm the asshole who points out this shit because I find the failure of others to be amusing.



All of that aside, it should be pretty neat to see, no? :P

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Tips for Retards™ - Tips #34 & 35

To the lovely people who live in my building:

Tips for Retards - Tip #34
Holding the door open for me is greatly appreciated, especially after I've driven from work, am covered in sweat and suffering from light leg syndrome. HOWEVER, once you've opened it for me, let the FUCKING THING GO. I have a BIKE...it weighs about 30 lbs and it's got wide handlebars - to think that you're going to be able to hold the door open while standing in the doorway as I try to push past you with a bike is retarded...and so are you.

In keeping with the dimensions and weight of my bike...

Tips for Retards - Tip #35
When there are four people waiting for the elevator and I have a bike, anyone with brain-one in their head knows that a bike going in first can be turned against the back corner so it literally takes up the width of the pedal assembly. BUT, if you really feel your life will be enriched immeasurably by getting in first, only to have you hit the 3rd Floor button and then hem and fucking haw as I have to remove my bike ENTIRELY from the elevator for your dumb ass to get out...so be it. Retard.


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Tips for Retards™ - Tip #33

Who ARE these people...?

What is with people who look both ways, make eye contact with me on my bike and then continue walking directly into my path? Is the assumption that the onus is on me to turn? To this I say, "POPPYCOCK!"

If you can't handle jay-walking PROPERLY, like the rest of the world, I suggest you use the conveniently marked (and located) crosswalks that are present throughout the city for retards like you.

Tips for Retards - Tip #33
When crossing the street, if the act of looking both ways, noticing something coming and then walking anyway is something you engage in regularly, don't be surprised if people slam on their brakes inches from your fat ass in order to prove a point.
Also, if you need to look at them in disgust as if they've done something wrong, please take your right hand, grab your bottom lip and pull it until it envelopes your entire head...then swallow.


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Friday's Feast #155

Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of pie?

Hmmm...probably coconut cream pie or pecan pie. Nothing with any nutritional value (fruit) whatsoever...

Soup
Name something that made you smile this week.
Big Brother 8 last night. Best. Episode. Ever.

Salad
What do you do to cool off when the weather is hot and humid?
Remain seated in my apartment with two air conditioners blasting arctic winds in my general direction. It works!

Main Course
You receive $1,000 in the mail with a letter that says you can only use the money to redecorate one room in your home. Which room do you pick, and what do you buy to spruce it up?
My living room. I would buy a PS3 because they brighten ANY room, really...and I would use the remaining $200 or so to buy cool, nerdy toys to put on display.

Dessert
Fill in the blank: My _________ says __________, but I __________.

My body says no, but I know better.


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The Wit Indeed

Your Score: the Wit

(52% dark, 38% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK


You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais



The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 50% on darkness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 26% on spontaneity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 12% on vulgarity

Ironically, the friend I got this test from scored "The Idiot Savant" - my exact opposite. Intriguing...and yet, we often amuse each other. SHOVE IT, YOU!
I also don't think this test is entirely accurate - although I consider myself irrepressibly erudite and witty (ha), I also find toilet humour most amusing when used properly.

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Best Photo I've Seen Today

I'm thinking of starting a new column...really just as an excuse to post daily pictures of idiots and/or idiotic behaviour. God knows there's a WEALTH available...


Former Current Spice Girl Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice, aka the Mental One Who Fucked Tranny Lovin' Eddie Murphy...seen pulling the greatest face I've seen in a while as she exits a Porta-Loo.

I also love how she's got a glass of wine in her hand...you know bitch wasn't holding that the whole time. I bet she put it down right beside the pee funnel! You KNOW she did!! YOU KNOW IT!!

Also, it's good to see that all those heinous outfits she wore during the Spice Girl's original run didn't go to waste. Would love to see that dry cleaning bag...

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Freaky Friday Tuesday Morning

I got up this morning VERY groggily, which was odd considering that I went to bed relatively early. I walked out to the kitchen to have some cereal. I grabbed a bowl from the dishrack and ever so slightly tapped one of the glasses on my drying tray. As the tray is slanted (so it drains, duh) it set off a chain reaction that ended with the last glass sliding right off the end and shattering in the sink; a sink full of unwashed dishes. I decided to not bother cleaning it, but to eat instead because I was more hungry than concerned. I poured some Corn Flakes into the bowl and went to grab the milk from the fridge.

Gone.

I looked around and saw the milk sitting out on the counter already...as in all night. I was pissed and poured it out into the sink (the sink filled with shards of glass). I had created a creamy, shattered glass concoction that, for a split second, I considered eating. Pausing to mull over such a thought, I decided to take a shower and clean out the broken glass afterwards.
I continued on my morning - drinking coffee, flossing, brushing my teeth, watching Corrie episodes I'd fallen behind on, etc, etc, etc.
I rode my bike to work and walked inside the office. As I turned the corner to my cubicle, there was a card sitting on my keyboard. It was the Department Head's handwriting...can you be fired via a greeting card?
I ripped it open expecting the worst, but was pleasantly surprised. It read:
"Thank you for all your hard work. Please take 2 days off and enjoy yourself."
Nice. And coming straight off a long weekend, too. Looks like David might be right...

Most kind. My special thanks go out to The Man.

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Oh the humanity....

A few minutes ago, some douchebag decided to ruin everyone's beautiful Saturday afternoon by pulling the fire alarm in my building. In effort to escape the hideously deafening screeching, I migrated outside to my balcony with my coffee and iPod.
I had just put down the coffee and turned to get my headphones, which I'd forgotten back inside the apartment. I retrieved the headphones and stepped outside when I heard this THWUMP! THWUMP! THWUMP!
I looked down and saw this...


(Note Orko's concern) I looked closer...


It was at this point I realized that I'd been shit on by a bird. Literally on my toe. Or several birds, it turns out, as I looked up at the chair...


Then back at the other patio chair...


Closer still...


I began to laugh uncontrollably at the level of coverage the avian anus was able to achieve. But then I turned to look at the table...


Take note of how close it came to going IN the coffee cup...


I have new found respect for the shit hawks of the sky...

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My Online Dating Persona

Hmmm...I honestly didn't think it would come off sounding so boring... Pooh. :(

The Slow Dancer
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Steady, reliable, and cradling him tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer.

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The men left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal man is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

Your exact male opposite:
The Hornivore

Random Brutal Sex Master
While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.




ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah (DBLM)

CONSIDER: The Gentleman (DGLM) or The Slow Dancer (DGLD)


Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

 
 

Friday Feast #154

Appetizer
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how polite are you?
Probably coming in ar0und a 7.5 generally. Although when needed, I can be a 10...or if necessary, a 3.

Soup
What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List episode from last night.

Salad
Who is your favorite cartoon character?
That's very difficult...probably Zapp Brannigan from Futurama.

Main Course
Tell about the funniest teacher you ever had.
Mr. Gilchrist. I believe he taught history or geography...he ruled.

Dessert
Complete this sentence: I strongly believe that ______________________.
I strongly believe that Friday Feasts still suck balls...

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LOLcatz





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