The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Probably the Gravitron.

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
By standing back and watching the skeeviness flourish...

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
Probably a 5...depends on who it's with.

Main Course
Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
No and no.

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
I choose to not answer that question for fear that it may incriminate me...

Categories: Friday_Feast

I'm not a big fan of the "Woof!" that a lot of bear-like-types are so fond of. However, I might make an exception in the case of Robbie Williams' new look...DAMN!


Categories: Miscellaneous

1. Who was you last four texts from? Geoff, David, Glen and Ian
2. Where was your default picture taken? In the year 3000
3. What’s your middle name? Cameron Arthur
4. Your current relationship status? Swingle
5. Does your crush like you back? I believe so.
6. What is your current mood? Relieved
7. What’s your mom’s middle name? May
8. What colour shirt are you wearing? Blue with navy stripes
9. Are you horny? Surprisingly not, actually...
10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you? I'll keep that to myself.
11. Where was the last place out of town that you went to? Grimsby
12. Ever had a near death experience? When I was young, I swallowed a safety pin and couldn't be touched because it might puncture my lung. I guess not, then...
13. Something you do a lot? Overanalyze
14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes? Um...no.
15. Who can you tell anything to? My friend E.
16. Name someone with the same birthday as you? Cindy Crawford...and that's TRUE. Sidney Poitier, too.
17. When was the last time you cried? A couple weeks ago.
18. Where are you right now? Work.
19. If you could have one super power what would it be? The ability to absorb other people's powers...SNAP!
20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? Legs, if they're exposed, otherwise hair, forearms, teeth.
21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck? Amy Winehouse
22. What is a theory that you believe? That meme's are a lazy blogger's bestest friend!
23. Favourite colour? Blue
24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv? The shows
25. Do you still like kiddy movies? God, yes.
26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? A beef patty and boneless chicken roti
27. Do you speak any other language? rudimentary French
28. What’s your favorite smell? baking bread
29. Describe your life in one word? windy (as in winding, not full of wind)
30. Have any tattoos? No
31. What are you looking forward to the most? skiing this winter
32. What are you thinking about right now? this quiz, you douche
33. What should you be doing? eating my rapidly cooling food
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry? relatives
35. What are you listening to? the constant hum of the air conditioning at work, before that CBC radio
36. Do you like working in the yard? Mowing the lawn yes, everything else, no.
37. What color are your nails? Um...skin colour?
38. Do you act differently around the person you like? Depends how much I like them and how comfortable I am
39. What is your natural hair color? Dirty Blonde
40. Why did you cry the last time you did? it was a funeral

Categories: Miscellaneous

Oh GOD ALMIGHTY how I love this movie.


Super geeks will note (@3:01) the girl spectacting who later went on to play Data's love interest on Star Trek: The Next Generation (and she also played Connie, who stalked and then stabbed Ray Krebbs on Dallas, but only people with deep seeded psychological problems know that...). Also, the school doubling as Hamilton High in the film is North York Collegiate.

Here's the trailer...


Categories: video

Ho, Ho, Ho-ld up! That shit ain't right, yo!

As my buddy Mark pointed out, the most amazing thing about this idiotic story is that it DIDN'T originate in the US.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Greetings, Gentle Readers Reader,

Firstly, my apologies for the lack of updates. I've been getting over a long-running cold/sinus infection/throat affliction (which is still with me), but it's been playing havoc with my creativity. (And my story watching...)

A couple of weeks ago, my gran had a stroke. Not a severe stroke, but a stroke nonetheless. She was paralyzed on the left hand side of her body and had a bad bruise where the blood vessel had ruptured beneath her scalp. She was still in good spirits though, even joking with her doctor when he told her she had to decide whether or not the medical personnel should revive her in the event that things turned south.

"Do you need to know now?!"

Over the next week or so, various family members visited her, each reporting on varying levels of cognizance (some visits were completely normal, while my mum reported getting a blank, unknowing stare during one of her calls at the hospital). Plans were arranged with a total care home (she had been living in a semi-care home previously) and she was put on a waiting list. The family was warned the list was several months wait.

I had a real problem with this because my gran was not a woman who enjoyed being waited on, or taken care of, or really being a bother to anyone else. She often would go out of her way to make you comfortable when you were visiting her house; ensuring that you'd had enough food, or that your room was warm enough. She was fiercely proud and there wasn't a night that I ever stayed at her house where she did not put her hair in curlers before bed, wrapping her entire head in a section of toilet paper and sipping her tea (from fine bone china) while she played solitaire or did a crossword. She would never come to dinner without full make-up on and her nails done. This often delayed dinner by at least an hour as her preferred time to get ready was 5 minutes before the scheduled commencement of the meal.

Although Scottish by heritage, she came off as more English because of her very snobbish (yet charming) views on life and people. She was every bit as curmudgeony as her favourite television character, Hyachynthe Bucket. One summer an uncle of mine was visiting from England and staying at my gran's house. He was heavily into tai-chi and practiced it every day at home. One morning, my gran was in the kitchen making her morning tea while the rest of the family sat around the breakfast table, talking and eating. She looked outside at the yard worriedly and said, "What is Jim doing?"

"His tai-chi," my aunt responded.

"Well, someone go out and get him off the lawn before the neighbours see him."

Last Friday, I received word that my gran had gone into congestive heart failure and that the doctors had pretty much resolved themselves to the fact that recovery would not be possible for a woman of her age (she was 92). I went to the hospital to see her and she was a shell of her former self. It broke my heart to see her unaware of anyone around her, her hair not done, her nails not done and her previously slight body now shrunken to gaunt proportions. I couldn't really look at her, or touch her - I just sat, talking with my aunt and cousin who had been there all day. They'd decided to no longer even monitor my gran, but instead just make her comfortable until the inevitable occurred. As harsh as it sounds, it was the best thing for her, really.

I returned home on Friday evening and then heard on Sunday morning that she had passed away just after midnight on Saturday evening. I wasn't really sad, to be honest, I was more relieved that such a great and proud woman wouldn't be subjected to an extended, embarassing and soul-killing hospital stay let alone a couple years stuck in a nursing home. If she hadn't been defeated by the health problems, such a fate would surely have destroyed any zest for life she had left. After her stroke, she said, "It's been a good life" and it was. Of her 92 years (save the last two), she'd only been in the hospital on four occasions (the births of her four children, including my father). She was also heartbroken when Grampa died in 1982 and I know they're having the greatest conversation right now, catching up on all the stuff he'd missed out on (including the births of 3 more grandchildren).

Our family is very Scottish, due largely to my gran's constant reminders, so my brother and I wore kilts to the funeral and visitation. I felt really proud to be there, knowing my gran would think we were dressed better than anyone else in the room and be just as proud as me.



Categories: RIP

*I only call my commentary racist because frankly, it is racist of me to blame someone's ethnicity for their own allegedly racist behaviour.

We have two part-timers who work in our office - one who has been here for a long time, and is of South Asian (Indian) descent; and another who is very new (only started last week) and is of Eastern European descent.

They share a computer. I don't think they've been sharing it all week since I've been out of the office and my PC was probably used. Today, however, upon my return, Eastern European part-timer is using South Asian girl's computer (who is away today). Using it, though, only after she just spent LITERALLY 15 minutes wiping the machine, the desk, the keyboard, the keyboard rest, the BOOKS ON THE DESK, the FOLDERS CONTAINING MAILING LABELS, the monitor, the phone, etc., etc., etc., down with alcohol wipes.

Racist...or OCD??

Frankly, I find both behaviours (especially based on recent events in my own life) to be completely abhorrent.

Categories: Rant

Appetizer
Which snack do you like to get when you go to the movies?
NIBS!! Or plain M&Ms.

Soup
What year did you start using the internet?
1988 or so?

Salad
What is your first name in Pig Latin? (Here’s how to speak it if you don’t already know!)
Eansay

Main Course
Name something you are picky about.
Where I wet my dick.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: I ____ ____ yesterday and I ____ ____ today.
I felt shitty yesterday and I don't really today.


Categories: Friday_Feast

So I come into the office today and there's a voicemail message waiting on the mainline. It's a generic number that is given out if you need to reach our department, but don't know who you're specifically needing to talk to. I pick up the phone, enter the security code and wait, expecting to hear "Hi, I need help with so and so and such and such...blah, blah, blah..."
With my pen at the ready, I heard the click that signified the commencement of playback.

"Hi, um...this is Martina. If you can give me a call back at XXX-XXX-XXXX at your earliest convenience, I'd appreciate it. Ciao."¹

So, I find it kind of odd that Martina gave no indication of her problem or who she was really trying to reach. And I thought, "Fuck it" and I called her back immediately (at 8am, mind you), thinking that I'll surely get a voicemail and then the onus is on her to call me back.
I dial the number and it rings a few times and then she picks up and says, "Hello."

"Hi, this is Sean calling from XXXXXX, returning the voicemail you left."

"Okay. [long pause] Sean, this is Martina."

"Yes...?"

"And I left you a voicemail..."

"Yes...?"²

"And you and your wife wanted to get together?"

"Uh...?"

"I left you a voicemail. Are you interested in getting together?"

"Uh........?"

"Sean?"

"Um, this is a place of business. I'm not sure how you got this number, but it's most likely NOT the number you think you're calling."

"Oh...okay."

"Yeah."

"Okay, well Sean, I'm sorry to have interrupted your workday and I hope you have a good one."

"Thanks...?"

"Ciao."

[UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!]


¹ I seriously LOATHE when non-Italian people say "Ciao!" at the end of conversations or exchanges. It's so fucking euro-trash...bleugh.
² At this point I realized that she thought I was supposed to know what she was calling about...

Categories: Miscellaneous

"Dear Blender,
Won't you help a first offender?
Oh, toaster
Don't you put the burn on me..."

Richard O'Brien, Shock Treatment

I am ALL about women's rights. So much so that I've often considered donating my misshapen baby toes to the nearest women's shelter as pillow filler. However, there are times (not many, mind you) that liberated and empowered women really chap my ass.

I'm at work today and a new employee, a young female of Asian descent, asked me to grab her printer for her from the library (a locked storage cabinet type dealie). So I go and open it up and pick up the printer (a sizeable piece of equipment, roughly the dimensions of a beer cooler - and heavy, too). I place it down in the hall so I can relock the library door. She bends down, grabs it and says, "I can carry this."
"Oh no, no, no...that's ok. Let me do it," I implored her, desperately.
"No, it's ok."
So I had to follow this little woman as she carried this printer box, which was over half her size, back to her desk (waving and smiling at the disgusted looks from coworkers as we went - "Pig!").

Categories: Miscellaneous

This isn't so much of a tip as it is a recounting of a most gloriously retarded conversation that I just overheard. A new employee on the floor (X) was speaking to myself and two other assistants (B & C). Employee X was being called on to join employees B & C downstairs for a charity event. Employees B & C suggested to employee X that she put her purse in a drawer, or better yet, lock it up.

X - Really?
B - Yeah, that's a glass door that opens up onto your desk. Anyone could steal your purse.
X - Really?
C - Yep. Just put it in a drawer, at least.
X - But I'm not even leaving the building.
B - It doesn't matter - purses have been stolen already.
X - Really?
C - Yeah, and wallets.
X - Really?
B - YES. (at this point, employee B, god love her, grabbed this dolt's purse and shoved it in the nearest drawer and then drug employee X out by her shoulder)

I personally would have stolen the bitch's purse myself just to teach her a lesson.

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

The rules:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool

Opening Credits: "'39" - Queen, Night at the Opera
First Day At School: "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" - The Gap Band
Falling In Love: "Hold On To This Moment (Instrumental)" - Mystery
Fight Song: "Before" - Pet Shop Boys
Prom: "Star Wars Theme + Cantina Band" - MECO
Life's OK: "So In Love" - Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
Mental Breakdown: "Hamburg Break Out" - David Arnold, Tomorrow Never Dies OST
Driving: "James Bond With Bongos" - John Barry, From Russia With Love OST
Flashback: "Virginia" - Tori Amos
Getting Back Together: "The Full Circle: The Tribe" - Barry Gray, Space: 1999 Year 1 Soundtrack (seriously, WTF?!?)
Wedding: "Bella Notte (This Is The Night)" - Lady & The Tramp
Birth of Child: "Holy Water" - The Gossip, Standing In The Way of Control
Final Battle: "Around The World" - Daft Punk
Death Scene: "One Vision" - Queen (SWEEEET!!!)
Funeral Song: "Goldfinger" - Shirley Bassey (this is a cover of her own song done really slowly, in a strange bit of coincidence)
End Credits: "Mardy Bum" - Arctic Monkeys

Ahh...it was a good life. :)

Categories: Miscellaneous

This is a catch-up blog post since I've been completely neglectful of my large and widespread readership of reader(s). Huh? Anyway...haven't had much of interest to write about. Been going out and drinking too much...the usual. I'm on a well deserved and needed break from school until the new year. Spoke to the 'rents about bankrolling an extravagant ski trip to Killington, VT this winter and they were...receptive. Surely, the end of the world is near.

In any event, here are all the Friday Feasts I missed in my absence.

FRIDAY FEAST #165

Appetizer
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
A golden lab...because they're actually a piss yellow colour and I'm all about the Emperor's New Clothes.

Soup
What does the color purple make you think of?
My favourite Speilberg film.

Salad
Approximately how long does it take you to get ready each morning?
10 minutes to shower, 5 minutes for flossing/brushing and 2 minutes to dress. About 20 minutes.

Main Course
How many cousins do you have, and are you close to them?
Four...and not really.

Dessert
Take your initials (first, middle, last) and come up with something else those letters could stand for. (Example: SFO = Sweet Funny Otter)
SCAG = Slutty Cum A-Go-Go


FRIDAY FEAST #166

Appetizer
Name a great website you would recommend to others.
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Soup
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 as highest), how often do you dream at night?
I'm not sure because I often don't remember them. I'd say an 8.

Salad
Did you have a pet as a child? If so, what kind and what was its name?
Yes. A dog named Benji that bit me in the eye and 'went to live on a farm with a nice family.' Then we had Barney, the Beagle, who hung himself. :|

Main Course
If you had the chance to star in a commercial, what would you choose to advertise?
Something to do with yeast infections because I feel women are cornering that market. Mix that shit up a bit, yo.

Dessert
What is your favorite kind of hard candy?
Um...I'm 30...I'm not a fan of hard candy yet.


FRIDAY FEAST #167

Appetizer
How much money do you plan to spend this upcoming holiday season?
Not much.

Soup
What was the last television show you watched, and was it good?
Coronation Street this morning...and yes, it was SCANDALOUSLY good.

Salad
If you had to paint the walls of your living room tomorrow, what color would you choose?
Navy blue

Main Course
Name something clever or practical you have thought of that should be invented, but hasn’t yet.
Ya lost me.

Dessert
List 3 things you would like to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday season.
A trip to Killington, VT
...that's about it. I'm happy.

Categories: Friday_Feast