The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Greetings, gentle readers...its that time of the week again - Project Runway Time! Yeehaw! Although there was little hope that the insane drama from last week's episode would be replicated, we still got some interesting tidbits in Episode #5.
Wednesday's show began with a lovely display of what a bitter, cranky, tattoo'd asshole Jeffrey is. Because Angela won the last challenge (there was no love lost prior to that, mind) his hatred of her is now ramped up to the point of idiocy. Of her win, he said, '[it] cut me straight through.' Michael, on the other hand, was quite happy to win. Robert, for his part, was just determined to 'make clothes that aren't boring.'
On the runway, Ms. Heidi Klum appeared, full of twists and turns from the get go, telling the designers that the models will choose the designers this week (as opposed to vice versa). SHOCKING! Everyone was quite surprised and Vincent went on to say, 'It's kind of screwed up when things is out of the designer's hands.' What...like sanity, Vincent?
Heidi started pulling buttons, left and right, and the designers were chosen, one by one. I won't go through who chose who, because as the episode progresses, you'll realize it doesn't really matter. Due to the unsurprising eliminations of Keith and Bonnie last week, two models were left out - the last two names that remained in the bag once everyone else had chosen.


With the two models obliterated by Heidi's necromancer +12 incantation, she explained this week's challenge: to modernize a style icon. Interesting.

Back at the workroom, Tim Gunn, stood behind a nice display of photos of said icons. They were, in no particular order:

Audrey Hepburn
Cher
Diana Ross
Farrah Fawcett
Jackie Onassis
Katherine Hepburn
Madonna
Marilyn Monroe
Pam Grier
Twiggy

Oh wait - that was alphabetical order. Dammit.

After some childish running, shoving and grabbing, the icons were all distributed (via smackdown) amongst the models. Angela's model, who managed to snag Audrey Hepburn, was a little overly excited:


The designer's were paired with the following icons:

Angela/Audrey Hepburn
Kayne/Marilyn Monroe
Bradely/Cher
Vincent/Twiggy
Robert/Jackie Onassis
Jeffrey/Madonna
Alison/Farrah Fawcett
Uli/Diana Ross
Laura/Katherine Hepburn
Michael/Pam Grier

Michael, too, was pleased with his model's choice of Pam Grier, as was Robert with his model's choice of Jackie O. Because of his background in dressing rockstars (?), Jeffrey was glad that he got saddled with Madonna. Kayne, in a blur of gaystrogen, squealed giddily about getting Monroe and Uli was happy to be getting Miss Ross.
Tim Gunn suddenly walked in and told them, as usual, they have a half hour to sketch, 2 days for the challenge and $150. Oh - and he said 'caucus' again. Heehee. As they started sketching, the remaining designers commented on their model's choices - Laura thought Katherine Hepburn was perfect, while Alison didn't really get why the model had chosen Farrah Fawcett (neither do I - she had a poster with nipplies poking through her wet blouse - a style icon that does not make). Vincent's model picked Twiggy for him and he was quite excited about it. Bradley, unfortunately, admitted that he didn't 'know shit about Cher, but this is who I got, so...tell me about Cher, Katie. What do you know?' LOL I love Bradley - his quirkiness is great fun and something that's sorely lacking in Project Runway, which focuses on negative weirdness more than oddballs most of the time.
Tim and the designers then headed out to Mood for their fabrics. Michael figured this challenge was the most relatable so far, while Robert decided that he would step it up in this challenge but if he was found to be boring again - '[he] probably should go home.'
As they returned to the workroom, Kayne was still squealing about his dress and the choice of Marilyn Monroe. He described the look as 'Marilyn Monroe meets Gwen Stefani; their love child.' Uli was surprised that Kayne wasn't using something more adventurous than black, but he was uninterested in her teutonic opinion. Vincent and his model had decided to make a beautiful sillouhette with bell-like sleeves. Worrisome, to say the least.


Back in the sewing room, Bradley was having trouble with his sewing machine and asked Angela if it had started when she was on it (she had 'borrowed' it at some point, I guess). She confirmed it and then he insisted that she fix it. Jeffrey, of course, sensed an opportunity for some Angela bashing and ran with it, proceeding to condescendingly 'request' that she fix the machine.


After repeatedly telling Jeffrey to shut up, Angela finally gave up. As they say, fortune favours the foolish and the cavalry was about to arrive. Laura saw through Jeffrey's 'concern' (he did refer to them as 'Angela and these inexperienced assholes') and pointed out his complete arrogance. Jeffrey, however, wasn't finished with Angela and asked, 'I'm entitled to not like you, right?' What a prick.
Angela countered with, 'Yeah, that's fine but don't accuse me of something I didn't do and don't jump on the bandwagon of an accusor who's wrong.' I'm liking Angela more and more with each passing moment, I must admit.
Laura then piped in, saying, 'If you're so fucking successful and you know so much, what are you doing here, Jeff?!' Two snaps and around the world for this icy bitch. I LOVE IT!
His reply? 'What are you pissed off about?' Jeffrey is truly a tool - this season's Santino, I fear, but he apparently is a little more slow burning than Mr. Rice - much to my disappointment. He pointed out that he wasn't even talking to Laura and she butted in (much like Angela wasn't even talking to you when you started in on her, right...?). As he left the room he wished Laura, or 'that fucking bitch' as he referred to her, 'would have a stroke.' Lovely.


Back from break and the Angela Defense Fund was in full swing as Michael now took a strip off Jeffrey, in his passive-aggressive way. 'Everyone is trying to gang up on her just for thrills and giggles - it ain't cool,' he explained. Jeffrey then tried to rationalize his arrogance by deflecting attention, claiming the problem effected EVERYONE - niggah, please. Michael then had the best line of the episode in his interview clip - 'I'm not trying to play Captain Save-a-Ho, as we say in the hood, but it really wasn't his place to say anything.' Jeffrey eventually abandoned his attempts to undermine Angela's came and continued with his dress for Madonna.
In a backroom somewhere, Michael then made a call to his mother.


The call itself was uneventful, but the manner in which he called was appalling - to me, anyway. I HATE these new cellphones that you don't hold to your head to use - they're basically speakerphones you carry around with you. Seriously, I thought CB radio technology was relegated to truckers and cab drivers. I can't believe the backwards leap in technology involved here, nor can I believe how rude and inconsiderate people are that use these in public. I'm not interested in ONE SIDE of your banal conversation, let alone BOTH. Your life is not intriguing to me and frankly, if I was given five minutes to explore your existence, I would most likely hate you.


Rant over. Back to the episode...

Vincent, upon seeing his pattern, realized the tan linen he had purchased would not work. As a result, he gave it to Robert, who said he could use it on his outfit to make a jacket. His theory: 'taking a different approach to try and wow the judges' would put him in good with them. We shall see...
At the end of day one, back at the apartment, Kayne was discussing who's designs he was most excited to see. Jeffrey added in that he was most excited to see Laura's so he could laugh. Ugh. 'She is so mean and frigid and weird,' he added.


Day 2 and the designers returned to the workroom. Kayne decided that this was his favourite challenge thus far. The designers then started talking about their looks, but its all just filler anyway. When it was Bradley's turn, he didn't really have much to say, but the other designers did - Jeffrey called it 'supercalifragilisticexpiala-crazy,' while Vincent said it 'reminded [him] of Major Tom.'
Tim Gunn then popped in, told the designers that their models will be arriving, the times they have to get them ready and then popped back out again. Michael, seeing his outfit on his model, decided the dress did not work and had to be redone. Bradley, also, was not happy with his design, having not left enough room in the pants.


Kayne's model, though, had no problems with her outfit. She did, however, have an issue about shutting her mouth and constantly yakked her way through the entire fitting process, even taking time at one point to go and annoy the people in the sewing room, too.
The re-entry of Tim Gunn followed, with some other dude in tow who turned out to be the head stylist for Tresemme. Swankalicious. He told the designers that the winner of the challenge, along with their model and outfit, would be featured in an ad in Elle magazine. Dah-yum! Each designer then had a private consultation with the Tresemme guy about what look they were going for.
After the consulations, Tim Gunn began making his rounds of the workroom. Robert's Jackie O design was up first and Tim was underwhelmed but Robert cut him off saying, '[its] incredibly plain.' Kayne was up next and Tim Gunn LOVED it, as did I. Michael's design was unfinished, but he explained his plan (hotpants) to Tim and he was intrigued. Tim then headed to Bradley's Cher outfit and asked what was going on. Bradley explained he was trying to get the pants to fit. Tim described the top as looking like the Tin Man from Oz and then he blurted out, 'I'm concerned.' Niiiiiice!

Tim G. "I'm concerned" count = 0 1

The day of the runway show arrived and Michael was still without hotpants. What ever will he do!? Tim Gunn interrupted this drama by telling the designers that he'll be sending in their models, they'll have two hours for fitting, hair and make-up and told them to 'make this work.' Fuck it, I'll count that shit.

Tim G. "Make it work" count = 5 6

In came the models and the fittings began. Robert wasn't even impressed himself with his own outfit. He said, however, 'it's one of those things - you've made the choices and as Tim always said, 'Make it work.'' NICE!

Tim G. "Make it work" count = 5 6 7


After the hair and make-up was completed, Tim Gunn entered AGAIN and told them all they had to leave now. Robert was the last one to go and said in his interview clip, 'A miracle from heaven is needed to turn this whole thing around.'

Back from the break and Heidi walked out onto the runway wearing...



...eek! The judges were then introduced and thankfully it marked the return of Michael Kors (yay!), with Nina Garcia and Diane Von Furstenberg (semi-regular guest judge on PR). Heidi also noted that because the winner would be receiving a Tresemme ad in Elle, they wouldn't be receiving immunity this week. Thank god - I hate that shit.
And with that - the show began:




















That's it, folks! After eliminating the mid-rangers, we were left with Angela, Robert, Kayne, Bradley, Michael and Vincent. The models were trucked out onto the catwalk and the interrogation began with Kayne. Heidi called his dress 'genius,' while Michael described it as 'Goth Marilyn.' Nina pointed out that Kayne seems to understand how important the presentation is.
Vincent was sighted next and he went into his explanation of his icon:

"Twiggy was incredible. She was such a simple, fun, playful woman but she was also very much a 'woman' - very sophisticated.'"

Diane immediately laid into him, saying that since Twiggy was still alive, they should 'talk about her in the present tense.' Michael, for his part, just didn't 'get Twiggy' from the outfit in front of him, focusing on the 'insanity' of the pockets. Nina thought the outfit could have been a little 'happier' and ended her commentary with, 'I don't see Twiggy, I'm sorry to say.'
Michael's hotpants were under scrutiny following Vincent. Heidi said that she thought it was 'very sexy - you know, you see the beatiful leg.' Diane thought the proportion was perfect while Nina thought the top could be sold on its own, it was so nice. Michael Kors called the hotpants 'perfect shorts.'
Bradley and his Cher ensemble from Neptune 9 was next...Diane summed it up best and said, 'I don't really love that outfit too much,' while Nina said he was simply 'all over the place' and off. Michael said that Cher 'is the ultimate chameleon so anything is possible' and described the 'crotch on the pants' as 'insane.' Should we start a Michael Kors 'insane' count? Hmmm...the mind turns. Heidi described it as 'an old Halloween costume you pick up at the mall.'
Angela's Audrey Hepburn number followed. Diane said it was 'definitely Audrey Hepburn' and 'timeless.' 'I would want to have that dress in every colour - I think it's beautiful,' gushed Heidi.
Robert came afterwards with his Jackie O design. Nina put it out there first and said, 'I don't see a Jackie here, even a modern-day one. I think the choice of colour, the choice of fabric - I don't get it.' 'The choice of linen is probably the worst mistake,' added Diane.



'It just doesn't look as sharp as she would have walked around in,' Heidi continued. Michael brought it home when he said, 'Jackie O did every decade fabulously, but the connective thread, no matter what, was 'impeccable,' 'neat,' 'sharp.' It looks nothing like her.'

So ended the interrogation - the judges deliberated and then our designers were returned to hear the final verdict.

Angela was the first name called - and I was sure it was because she'd won, but no - Heidi called her because she was still in, but hadn't won. The next name called was Michael as, you guessed it, the challenge winner. Good for him, I say. He's quickly becoming my favourite on Season 3.
Kayne was then called and told he was still in, as was Vincent. That left Robert and Bradley, which quite frankly, was a total toss up. Both outfits blew terribly. Heidi told Robert that he couldn't have chosen a worse fabric for his style icon design (with a little effort, I think you'll find this statement is entirely false) and like last week, the judges were bored with his work. She then turned to Bradley and told him that by choosing Cher, he was free to do pretty much anything - except the 'poorly made, cheap looking' monstrosity he presented to the judges.
In the end, Heidi called Robert and said, "You're in" which meant Bradley was leaving. Boohoo. I don't really enjoy Robert - I can't say I dislike him - he just bores me, like he bores the judges. I hope he's gone soon. I did, however, like Bradley, A LOT, with his quirky comments in the interview clips. Sad to see him go, but in all honesty, his outfit was horrendously amateurish.



Tim G. "Make it work" count = 7
Tim G. "I'm concerned" count = 1
Michael K "insane" count = 2 (since we had to retire Keith's "menswear" count)...

Categories: Project_Runway