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The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

"So morbid...a sentimental replica of a planet long since vanished..."
~ General Zod

 

Redemption! Freedom!!!

I am now free of the hold that American Idol has had on me all season. How sad that is, huh? Anyway, in more important news - yours truly was RIGHT - Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol won the big booby prize and was crowned American Idol for this season. Good for him. And now, a tribute to the true winner...


"He was right! He was right! I DID WIN!!!"

Congratulations, Taylor - you certainly were the better competitor.

Now, what I've 'recapped' involved exactly 2 minutes of time. How long was the episode? TWO. FUCKING. HOURS. Thanks to the wonder of my PVR, Glen and I were able to bypass most of the garbage, but that didn't prevent us from getting our nice shoes covered in muck.
It amazes me that so many 'serious' artists and 'respected' artists go on American Idol. There is an odd disconnect when it comes to musicians ripping off their self respect, stomping on it, shitting on it and then redressing themselves in it like Buffalo Bill and his skin suit.

We come to our first victim - Al Jarreau. Don't care? Neither did I. He sang with Paris Bennet, the squeaky voiced tart-with-a-heart who looks far to young to be dressed in some of her outfits. Next.

Then we had Live singing with Chris Daughtry - of course, they had to sing with their less talented little brother in between beating the crap out of him behind the shed out back. It was like watching Tweedledee and Tweedledum, but without the cool, LSD-laden story surrounding them. Not fun. Not only was I seeing double, I was hearing double as Chris' entire repertoire and 'talent' is based on the lead singer of Live - including him actually punking a Live arrangement during the competition and then conveniently not mentioning anything when Simon Cowell lauded him for his 'original and interesting arrangement." Well, you were half right, Simon. Kudos.

As if the previous 'performances' weren't bad enough, we were then treated to a 'comedic' and 'irreverant' segment involving Kelly "Calamari" Pickler and Wolfgang Puck. Why Puck? So they could call it Puck and Pickler and get a giggle out of the 35,602 3-year-olds who watch this show waiting for this exact moment. We zipped through this section as soon as the "Pickler and Puck" or "Suck and Fuck" or 'whatever title-card was' came up. It should have been called "THE WHO GIVES A SHIT SECTION OF THE SHOW" along with the hours bumpering it before and after...

Then we got the first of the shocking and appalling performances of the evening. I'm not even gonna explain it. Just look...


"Papa, can you hear me?"

In case you didn't pick up on it, that is indeed MEATLOAF singing with finalist Katherine McPhee. They sang that Celine Dion song where she's in the video running through some French mansion and her motorcyclist friend outside gets hit by a branch that has been dislodged from it's tree by a lightning bolt and she's in the white dress... ...remember? Good. It was HORRID and we rightly fast forwarded through it.

Then they went into an "awards" section of the show which was really just an excuse to showcase the completely idiotic first auditioners who made us laugh so derisively in the premiere episodes this season. Some of the featured wackos were:


Is it seriously that hot in the audition room??


Sadly, these two were featured but for a second - hopefully they're enjoying their jail time.


This twit who refused to acknowledge the judges were speak to her was shown, thankfully.

"I want to know about your tan."
"Okay, so I'm gonna be singing..."
"No, I want you to tell us about your tan."
"My name is..."


The fact that they gave this spastic retard any more airtime (than putting him through once) annoyed me to no end.


Awful.


Princess Brewer...
"I'm black, I'm sassy but I'm also a perfectionist."
(this was something she ACTUALLY said, I didn't make that shit up)


Awful, too.


Rhonetta. Ah...Idol GOLD.


"WHAT did you SAY to ME?!"
Sorry, Rhonetta... eek!


"That's right, bitch."


"Later, m*ther f*ckers!"

So, aside from the actual 3 second result reveal, that was the funniest and most entertaining bit of the show. Then we got a...GROUP PERFORMANCE! The bain of every Idol episode from the beginning of the run, any time you get mediocre individual performers in a 'group' you get a group of shit-tastic, yawn enducing garbage flung at your audience. Enjoy!
They then go to commercial and return with Taylor and Katherine standing next to 'Seacrest OUT!' and he gives them each a Ford Mustang convertible. Snazzy and oh so fair.
Then we get Elliot Yamin, introduces by his sickly looking mother (so sad). He starts singing and randomly introduces Mary J. Blige to the audience and the two duet. Fast. Fucking. Forward.
Immediately after this performance, they go to a commercial. When we return, Carrie "Jesus Juice" Underwood takes the stage. And guess what she sings? "Jesus, Take the Wheel." 'nuff said.
Then Taylor sings "In the Ghetto" (one of his best performances this season) and again, a random Toni Braxton enters and sings with him. Funnily enough, her mic doesn't work for the first two lines. Heehee! I love shit like that.
Then another group performance, this time with just the girls singing a bunch of stupid shit no one cares about. At this point, we'd run out of PVR back log, so we were, sadly, live and very pouty. It wasn't fun. Just tell us the god damned results, SEACREST!!
They bring out this homo from earlier in the season who sang like his balls were in a vice. He wins one of the awards for shitty performances and they ask him to recreate his 'winning' performance on stage, on live TV. Of course, being a mugging asswipe, he gladly obliges. In the middle of his song, who comes out, but the King Homo himself - the Clay Gayken! NICE! Of course, wanting to dispell the rumours about his 'alleged' homosexuality, he dresses as conservatively as possible...or not.


"Hey ladies...I like titties and poontang. No - seriously, I do."


The guy's reaction was priceless - unlike the Gayken's lameass performance.

Anyfuck, there were a couple of other group performances that we couldn't fast forward through so we turned to the Movie Network and watched some of "Deep Impact" - sadly, we had to turn away from it to finally see who the winner was.

And it was, in case you started this blog halfway through - Taylor Hicks. Yay!

Now onto Canadian Idol. ROCK ON!!



Toodles!

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