The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Vincent's idea was to make a simplistic dress and just add crap he picked up at the recycling facility to it. His own thoughts on his dress:

"This dress is nice. It's hot. I look around the room - it feels good. It's like painting a picture, yunno and I think everyone likes to do things like that. It's using your heart."

Riiiiight...Laura managed to weigh in on his dress, also, saying, 'I'm not crazy about Vincent's design - it's just this long, strappy sort of sheath dress and he just glued garbage all over the front of it.' For his part, Vincent said that he seriously doubted he wouldn't go forward 'because it's a hot dress.'

Then Tim Gunn entered the room, surely armed with some sorely needed unintentional brevity. Let's live in hope, shall we? Uli's dress was first on his list and he simply said, 'This is gorgeous.' That's it and he moved on to Jeffrey, who's dress he described saying, 'Stunning. It's really incredibly stunning.' Vincent followed and the first thing out of Tim's mouth was, 'What is this?' Heehee! His response? 'I don't know.' What a fucking moron. I'm so DONE with this douchebag source of endless WTF'ery. Tim did have more constructive things to say like, 'I don't like the fact that it's only decorated on the front - it's like a painting that's walking' (wasn't that his entire point?) The Gunn then moved on to Michael, who's design was pretty badass, IMO, but Tim was only impressed by the top, calling the bottom 'a blank canvas' and asking Michael to 'make me believe.' WHAT?! No, 'MAKE IT WORK?' - how DARE you, Tim Gunn!


It was Alison's turn next and Tim just stared for a few moments. Alison attempted to break the silence by saying her model was 'blonde' so the outfit's colour would be very complimentary. Tim just turned and said, 'Don't you have a zoftic model?' I'm pretty sure he pronounced it that way, despite it being properly spelled as 'zoftig,' a Yiddish term meaning plump, from the German meaning juicy. I'm sure the term, whether pronounced properly or not rattled around the dimwit's head a few hundred times, bouncing inside her cavernous skull.
'What...I have Alexandra...what do you mean?' Haha!
'She's a little large?' Tim explained, to which Alison nodded knowingly.
Then Alison was shown in an interview clip saying, 'When Tim came in to check on our work, he was a little concerned...' FUCK IT! I'll count that shit!

Tim G. "I'm concerned" count = 1 2

Alison went on to explain how her model was 'larger' than all the other girl's there. Jeebus, these people have completely skewed senses of 'fat' and 'thin' - no wonder young girls are starving themselves. Anyway, that's another issue entirely. Tim then said quickly, 'I don't know' but continued on in another horrifically dubbed in 'live' comment, which clearly took place in the looping room two days after, 'Keep in mind - it's about the model you have. It has to look good on her.' The Gunn then shifted to Kayne, who's design completely baffled him. He did manage to get out, 'I'm disappointed - it looks like a highschool craft project.'


Kayne tried to stave off the hemorrhaging of amateur-hour-ness by asking Tim what would improve it. 'What if the circles were gone?' he asked.
'The circles are a HUGE problem.' Tim pointed out. Yes, much like telling a victim of brain cancer that he can be cured if his brain is removed, I think removing the circles is a start, myself. Kayne decided to remove the entire bottom portion (thank god) but his Gay Mafia compatriat was slightly concerned...as were we all.


Back from the break and Kayne was working like a Guatamalan 5-year old to finish his dress. He decided to go with some kind of prom-like monstrosity...could it possibly be worse than the previous version? We'll see. Alison, too, was working feverishly to make her work passable. The designer's deadline hit and they all headed back to their respective apartments. Kayne was still worried about whether or not he'd be cut, going so far as to say, 'I just really hate my dress.'
The next morning, everyone groggily hauled themselves out of bed, ready for the day. Kayne was raring to go, ready to fix his mistakes from yesterday, while some others, specifically Vincent, were completely delusional about their chances. They all headed to Parsons and the Gunn was awaiting them, sending in their models immediately and leaving with a curt, 'Make it work!' on his way out. The Gunn Strikes Again.

Tim G. "Make it work" count = 7 8

The models entered and began talking with designers. Uli asked Alison if her outfit fit her model and Alison confidently said, 'I know it will fit.'
'But did you try it on?'
'Not until later.'

Is that a death knoll I just heard? As if fastforwarding in some time-travelling time-travelly machine, we cut to Angela's model trying on her outfit, or at least attempting to. 'There's no way, man.' she said. Michael, Laura and Robert were all experiencing similar difficulties since the fabric of choice - PAPER - has no give whatsoever.
The models and designers headed upstairs to decide on the looks they wanted for their outfits. Kayne wanted something kooky, while Alison simply said, 'I want it all on top of her head.' The hairdresser then laughed and said, 'And we'll give her a big bow' as a JOKE. He even giggled a little to which Alison immediately replied, 'Yeah!' Oh dear LORD. Laura, who is clearly the authority this episode, said, 'The most painful thing to watch is Alison and Kayne's styling choices - the hair and the make-up. Alison showed up with this huge, like, Minnie Mouse, yellow bow of hair. It was frightening.' We then cut to Kayne in some sort of waiting room, sitting with Laura on a couch, saying, 'I think I could be in the bottom.' Laura then asked him why he chose the colour green he did on his model's eyes. Kayne's simple reply - 'Stress.' In an odd turn, Laura then let's loose saying, 'I swear to god, I worry about - wonder about your choices so often, sweetheart.' The gay meter then tipped into the red...


...and Kayne replied with, 'Well, honey, I worry about your character and that's worse.' Two snaps and around the world, girlfriend!


'I've been in the top 3 for the last 3 challenges, so I wouldn't worry about my choices,' he continued.
'Oh yeah, that last dress was nice.'
'Yeah it was - it was fantastic. So I'm just not gonna be degraded on camera. That's just bullshit.' Yikes!
Back to the other designers and Tim tells them all they have about five minutes left. Alison dressed her model but alas, as Tim predicted, there is no waistline to be found anywhere so she tried using masking tape to create the illusion of one. Vincent's design was atrocious, but he described it as 'a walking canvas of art. And it just got me off - I loved it. It was like a child's drawring.'


Back from the break and it was time for ze runway show. Heidi entered wearing a thankfully improved outfit from the beginning of the episode. She reminded everyone of the brief - create an outfit of recyclable materials (paper, plastics and metal) in one day. The Klum took time to remind all the designers that they were looking for a lot of innovation and creativity for this challenge. Good luck, Klumster. The judges were then introducted - Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe. Not sure who the hell Rachel Zoe is but I'm sure she's fucking scary important and influential in the word of clothes made of and/or worn by trash, so that's why she's there. On with the runway show:



Then came the judgement:
With the mid-range players gone, we were left with Alison, Kayne, Laura, Jeffrey, Vincent and Michael. The models were then trotted out in preparation for the real interrogation to begin.
Michael's was up first and he described his take on 'innovation' to be pretending that the materials he was using were actually fabrics, so the plastic bag was organza, etc. Rachel Zoe starts off by saying, 'I think it's fantastic. I think it's simple and chic. It is very avant garde but not too much. It fits perfectly.'
'I really love this, too,' Nina added, while Michael said, 'I think you truly understood the word "innovation."'
Vincent's appallingly bad creation was next on the block and Heidi baited him, as usual, by insincerely saying, 'I would love to know what kind of materials you used. What did you find?'
'For this dress we used a plastic sac.' Okay, stop RIGHT THERE. That's seriously his design in a nutshell...and what was with his creepy use of the term 'we?'
'I think you have to look at how the clothes actually move.' Kors said first off. 'I think if it was a mini-dress and she could actually move and you didn't see the crunching when she walked...'
'When she comes out,' Vincent cut him off, 'and I see that, it turns me on. I'm proud of this dress.'



'Yeah, it's a little bizarre, I think - this dress,' Nina offered.
'It is bizarre and that's what I like,' Vincent countered.
'It looks-'
'It's artsy...very artsy,' the condescention in Vincent's voice was barely disguised.
'You don't think that your model had difficulty walking down that runway?' Nina said.
'She did - yeah, she did.'
'I think that that's the trick - if it turns you on and you're excited by the dress, hey, but the reality is: whatever your idea, it's not functioning when she walks,' added Michael.


Heidi then stepped in and said, 'I do have to say that you were innovative and not afraid and I do appreciate that.'
Phew - now that the tension has subsided, The Klum turned to Laura. 'I love this dress,' Rachel said, 'and I think your tailoring is amazing.'
'[All] the pieces that I've seen from you are very elegant. You almost kind of know when it comes down the runway that it's a Laura outfit,' Heidi commented. Michael Kors loved the 'impecableness of everything' Laura did to that point.
The Toad Explosion was next with Kayne immediately starting into the mistakes that he made and coming up with Dumpster Dive Chic as a design idea - don't pinch my shit, dawg! Nina could hardly contain her outrage and nearly yelled, 'This is really - talk about looking like a costume, this really looks like a costume - a bad costume on top of it.' Rachel managed to find something positive, pointing out the intricacy of the design - niggah, please - but pointed out that "stopping" should have been somewhere on Kayne's checklist of activities.
'I think you stepped over the boundary of taste,' Michael added ominously.
Jeffrey's design (which I'll admit looks pretty damn good) was the next subject. Nine went first and said, 'I love the shape - the fact that you were, yes, innovative and it still looks wearable and beautiful - it's a great job.'
Rachel continued, 'It's different and it looks like fabric.'
'It's the only dress here,' Michael added, 'that actually moved when it walked down the runway. I think the sillhouette is great and it's kind of like ugly/beautiful which I think is very 'your' aesthetic.'
Finally, we arrived at Alison's dress. Tsk, tsk, tsk. 'To me she looks huge,' started Heidi, 'I don't think it's very flattering for her body and she looks kind of like Minnie Mouse, in a way, with that funny hair on her head.'


Still not finished, Heidi went on to say, 'She looks like a plus model in this. It is not flattering at all.'
'If this is your model you have to sort of think, what's going to be flattering on her,' Rachel explained.
Michael even heaped on, 'It's really unflattering. I find that really surprising from a female designer that you would do that to a beautiful young girl who's got a great figure.'
But wait! Heidi AGAIN wasn't finished, 'Can we see it from the back?' As the model turned, she went on to say, 'It seems so stuck together.'
'It looks like a dinner napkin,' Michael kept going, 'just crumpled up. She's like a paper brioche.'
Thank god that's over - the designers then left the runway for the deliberation.

Alison, Vincent, Laura, Michael, Jeffrey and Kayne were brought back out. Laura's name was called first, followed by a brief 'You're in' and she disappeared behind the program logo. 'And now for the winner,' Heidi went on, 'Congratulations...Michael.' (YES!!!) With that, Michael disappeared. Jeffrey's name was quickly called and he, too, left behind the logo, but not before some icy glares in response to Michael's win. Of course, once backstage, Jeffrey has some arrogant and idiotic dialogue (as per usual).
'What a day I'm having - Michael wins for clothes that are the equivalent of diabetic food - there's no flavour.' That's right, Jeffrey, coz diabetics are allergic to FLAVOUR. You arrogant, ignorant prick.

That left Vincent, Alison and Kayne, who was called first. 'You're in, but just barely,' Heidi warned him. My call for the eliminee was far and away Vincent, who's pretentious, contrived and talentless drivel has lost all novelty and comedic value to me. The judges, however, were clearly smoking something good because Alison was sent packing.
I was disappointed but not surprised - prolly the same thing Alison was feeling at the time. Vincent, though, was the one who should have gone home. Apparently Laura felt the same way (or at the very least didn't appreciate some of his comments on the runway, to say nothing of her contempt for his design) because after Alison returned back for the 'weep & wave' moment in the episode, a can of whoop-ass was opened on Vincent. I won't ever bother transcribing it - just watch...


Also, was he intimating that diamonds might not be the only things going up Laura's nose? Who knows. She certainly had a hair across her ass about something in this episode, never missing an opportunity to cut up someone else's work. Having said that, the bitch can talk trash until she's blue in the face - I love her. She can design the pants of every one of them, save Michael and perhaps Jeffrey if he could lose the rockstar angle.

Anyhoo - that's it for now, true believers! I'll try to be quicker next week!

Tim G. "Make it work" count = 8
Tim G. "I'm concerned" count = 2

Categories: Project_Runway