Canada's OK Girl Show
As you can see above, I have taken it upon myself to redesign the Canada's Next Top Model logo to align it more accurately with the actual content of the show. You KNOW you ain't never gonna see one of these chicks again, so let's just call a spade a spade, ayight? I would have written 'buttaface girl' but as you can see, I have issue spelling the word 'butter.'
Onto Wednesday's episode - sorry this has taken so long, but with Big Brother, Canadian Idol and every other totally shite piece of trash show I poison myself with, it gets a little busy sometimes. I mean, this week I barely had time to sit in bed and complain...AT ALL, yunno?
On a side note, before we get started, just let me say that as I write this sentence I have not yet seen the episode - I Tivo'd it Wednesday evening, but ended up having to download it and take it to work to write this. I know, I'm so fired. Blow me, okay? In any event, yesterday (Thursday) I was taken out by my manager for my 5 year anniversary. As we're walking down Queen Street on our way to John Street, we pass the CityTV building and I look up to a lovely CNTM billboard - unfortunately, Speedy Gonzales updated the poster with the latest eliminee having a lovely red kiss mark on their picture. So, long story short - I know who gets eliminated at the end of this and let me tell you, much like the legalizing of gay marriage, the remaining 3 girls are surely a sign of an impending apocalypse (or at the very least, a couple FUGLY-ass last episodes...).
Onto the bitch-cap:
This weeks episode opened with a slight flashback to the judges comments from the last episode in which they unceremoniously told Brandi that she started out strong but is starting to fizzle. Immediately following the clip, we're treated to a Brandi-style throwdown with her moronic comments ranging from "I was trying not to laugh" and "If they eliminated me, I was ready to tell them that they better remember my name, "BRANDI" and they better remember this face." To be perfectly frank, if it talks like ghetto trash, if it walks like ghetto trash...if it SMELLS like ghetto trash, what do you think it is? I'll tell you what it is...
Brandi even went on to say, "Are you seriously judging me...like please." It actually really surprised me to note that Brandi is from Vancouver and not Scarborough. Please refer to my ghetto trash statement above.
Following that retardation, Brandi shifted her sights to Crazy Andrea's commentary about her needing to put on weight. Of course, Brandi thinks its ridiculous stating, "Are they there 24/7? No!" See that fat guy with the big black box on his shoulder, the lense pointed at you and the boom mic constantly hitting your crispy bangs, ho?
Then we got a little snippet of Andrea saying she had low energy - but she made sure to say emphatically that it had nothing to do with lack of eating; instead, it was a sign that she was losing her 'drive.' Yes, coz when I dropped out of school I told my parents its because I was 'tired.' Tsk.
Sisi was next up stating that she agreed with the judges. Hang on while I pick my jaw off the floor. Actually, to be fair, this is EXACTLY what Sisi said.
"These days modelling is not just about presenting that skinniness. Its about having a shape and still stay healthsy looking."
Ah, good old Engrish.com. Sorry, what's that? Ah, fuck...nevermind.
They girls returned to the house to find the obligatory note left by the previous eliminee. Andrea seemed to think that with Ylenia now missing, the dynamics in the house would shift, leaving it severely skewed to the side of CRAZY - but she said it in a cripplingly stupid fashion, as per normal. In addition to that stupidity, according to Alanna, Andrea, before every elimination ceremony had stated, "I should go home." Ugh. THEN GO.
The next morning, Tricia H. arrived to give the girls their next challenge - GO-SEEs! For Andrea's benefit, she explained that "GO-SEEs are when you GO out and SEE people." The show created portfolios for the girls and had arranged several interviews for them across town. She gave them some parting advise, stating that they need to 'present [themselves] well, and be on time.' Obviously what she said was not underlined, but they did that reality show staple, the jump cut to close up, faded tones with dramatic music behind it when she said, "on time" so clearly one of these twits is gonna be late, knowattamean?
They hit the street as if they'd just been plunked down in downtown Phuket, Taiwan, asking every single person that passed them where they were supposed go. I will say, though, that Brandi had that celebrity "lets-look-like-absolute-shit-in-public" thing down pat.
"Anyone seen my chihuahua, Sniggles?"
In a really inexplicable bit of wacky editing, we return from commercial and the girls are just now opening their envelopes which tell them where they're going and when they're to be there. They have 3 hours for 3 GO-SEEs. How is this a challenge, again?
"But I thought this was map of Paris?"
Sisi had half an hour to get to her first appointment which was with a company who's name meant 'Little Bitch' in Croation - how conveeeeenient. Rather shrewdly, Sisi ducked into a nearby bar and asked if they had a washroom she could change in. Clearly being in "Hobo-Row," they'd seen this type of thing before and quickly led her to the back. She had decided that she'd put on an outfit she thought would be appropriate BEFORE she got there. Unfortunately, the woman didn't take her card, so Sisi, again shrewdly, determined that it was a 'no.' You go with those smarts, GIRL!
Alanna had a go-see with a swimwear company and showed up on time, but they made her wait (about 20 minutes) for whatever reason - again, manufactured, orchestrated drama. On the other hand, they were quite complementary on Alanna's body, but again, said she needed to work up some confidence.
Brandi went to some hotel for her first go-see and arrived early. We weren't told how early she was but the woman she met said she was glad she showed up early but would have been annoyed if Brandi showed up early and the customer had been unprepared - make up your mind, ass. The woman commented on Brandi's hair looking like crap (nice) and Brandi made a fool of herself trying to describe a photoshoot by saying, "I felt comfortable in that outfit and brought it out." Indeed.
Then it was Andrea's turn. She was going to the Little Bitch place and the woman she met was immediately impressed with her striking face, but once Andrea walked about 3 steps in her outfit, she kind of fizzled. Andrea is horrific at walking, period, let alone walking to make something she's wearing look even remotely normal.
Back to Sisi who had just arrived at the swimwear place. Her swimwear go-see went better than Alanna's although when she turned around, the lady she was meeting with was a little put off by her tattoo (this is the first we've heard of it, folks).
Alanna got to the hotel and things were going great until her go-see woman asked her who shot one of her photos and then it happened. Da-DUNK. She couldn't remember the name. I'm surprised the woman didn't have fire shooting out of her eyes and rip out Alanna's hair right there and then, but we can dream, can't we?
In what appeared to be another editing blunder, we then saw Brandi - but not at a go-see, just fucking shopping at some random store, trying on sunglasses and screeching, "That's so hot!" We weren't really let in to how long this shopping jaunt took, but I surmise it was a while since they showed Brandi wandering the streets aimlessly looking at clocks and shouting random street names out. I guess the convenient map they got, which Sisi described as 'cute,' slipped her mind.
There was a jump cut to the next go-see for Brandi at Little Bitch which, weirdly, she was on-time for. Pointless? Methinkso. The woman said that you could tell she was a little inexperienced, but seemed to like her overall.
Andrea then landed at the swimwear go-see, with the woman stating, rather bluntly, that she didn't like her comp-card (which is a card with 2-3 shots of the model on it, like a business card). Moving on from that pleasantness, she then asked Andrea if she had a bathing suit. Andrea brought two with her (why?) and started rooting around her bag for them both, or one, who knows. She finally got a suit on (or was it both at once).
Please lend your support to Christian Children's Fund today.
Seriously, I'm picturing Jan Arden hosting a Sunday afternoon special on Global about this bitch VERY soon. Andrea's androgony came to her aid this time, as the woman seemed to like that aspect of her look. Then she asked Andrea if she read Fashion magazine, to which Andrea responded in a wishywashy way, but said she does read some. Suddenly the woman's BS detector went off and she told Andrea that, "[She could tell from green models which ones read the magazines and looked at the spreads because they knew how to move and pose.]" Andrea's strategy: Let's act confident NOW. So Andrea replies that "clearly" she reads them.
The resounding silence was deafening.
The hotel was Sisi's next stop and again, she did very well, with the woman stating that out of the three she's seen thus far, Sisi would definitely get the job.
Then it was Alanna's poke at Little Bitch which didn't exactly create waves. The woman said that she pretty much needs to work on everything.
Brandi was up next at the swimwear place and she as well wasn't a big hit, being neither commercial enough nor editorial enough for the woman's tastes.
Finally, Andrea was up at the hotel and went over extremely well, surprisingly.
After all these shenanigans, the four go-see women called Tricia to give her the low-down. Having to open her car door herself (I know), Miss H. walked up to some old craggy building that the girls were standing in front of to deliver the good or bad news.
Tricia told them all that Sisi AND Andrea had won the challenge (WTF?!) and their prize would be a spa treatment. I nearly peed, I swear. The spa they're going to was actually the building they were in front of so the two of them just trotted on in to be ass-kissed like there was no tomorrow.
Brandi and Alanna returned home to eat some high quality, 'deep fried,' microwave chicken looking sullen all the way. Being depressed at the idea of Andrea and Sisi getting hot rock massages, the obvious choice of activities was drinking, so Brandi rips out the blurry vodka bottle and the two of them start pounding.
"You're getting sleepy..."
Alcohol poisoning wasn't coming quick enough, so Alanna announces that they should go read Andrea's diary. Brandi thought about it for -3 seconds and then jumped on the bandwagon as the two of them raced over to Andrea's room.
Of course, to ramp up the 'drama' we're treated a short interview clip with Andrea saying she trusts Alanna and they have an understanding about not touching things unless they ask first. Nice.
On their way to rummage through Andrea's stuff, Brandi comments on her blue leg warmer number from last week. Heehee! Loving it. They didn't have a minute to lose, so Alanna then plowed into Andrea's bag and made a shocking discovery.
Let me preface this by saying this entire event was the CRUX of the preview from last week. The headlines read "A SHOCKING DISCOVERY!" I was quite drooly in anticipation of what they'd find. And now we know...
First, the reaction:
Then, the discovery...
Wait for it...
Wait...
Here it comes...