The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Well, well, well...the latest episode of Canada's Next (Top) Model hit the ever increasingly quality deficient airwaves last night. It began with Andrea having a caniption fit because Tenika was eliminated last week. Apparently, according to Andrea, Tenika was the only person who understood her completely and when she left - Andrea just wanted to leave. Can someone give this bitch a map to the door, please?!

Ylenia then commented on how after being in the bottom two with the ill-fated Tenika made her suddenly realize that she's 'not gonna be at the top.' She crazy. I think Ylenia is the best girl on the show (especially now that my past fave, Tenika, has been given her walking papers).
The girls then returned to the loft to find Tenika's note. I guess Andrea had gotten over her sadness and realized that indeed, she was on television - so she demanded to be allowed to read the note Tenika left (not out of interest, just out of being on camera). In the note, Tenika noted that she was grateful to have met everyone in the house, even Sisi. Then they cut to Sisi being intereviewed, talking about how she should have punched the shit out of Tenika the night they argued. I love chicks who are loud-mouthed brats, but are actually really bad-ass when there's no hope in hell of them having to prove it. Meh.
Then Alanna and Ylenia began musing about how fat they were; Ylenia to her mother over the phone and Alanna to herself, sitting on her bed looking at pictures of herself. Both girls are pretty much poker thin, so I'd be really interested to get some kind of pole or tally of how damaging this asstastic program is to young girls.
Tricia H. then showed up and talked about how she wanted to give the girls a relaxing day, so they were having people come to the house to work with them there (because apparently, having to be driven from your door to 3 inches from the shoot gives you the shakes).
Some photographer guy (who is allegedly well known) comes over and starts taking snaps of the girls in various poses. As Alanna began her session, a clip of Andrea came on with the bean-pole saying that she thinks Alanna should have gone home instead of Tenika (despite Alanna not being in the bottom two last episode...braindead) and that she doesn't think Alanna will win because her 'upper body seems hockey player-like.'


Then Tricia comes in and the girls go through an exercise called 1 to 10. Ranging from 1 being the saddest, to 10 being the angriest, the girls have to count, expressing that emotion. Tricia did it with uncannily freakish shades of Tyra's meltdown.


Then Andrea did it. This clip has to be seen to be believed - a true professional, rivalling the method acting abilities of DeNiro. It's incredible. Even just the vast range on display, although unbridled, will undoubtedly come into its own with proper training. Thankfully, the producers have overlaid the incredible performance with her thought process on the matter, giving us untold insight into the inner workings of her incredibly intricate mind.


And I use the term 'mind' loosely.

Then we were treated to the rest of the girl's performances, ranging from the emotionless (Sisi), the melodramatic (Brandi) and the laughably absurd (Alanna - who actually laughed from about 7 to 10...real 'angry,' idiot).
Tricia moved on with exercise #2, which involved the 5 remaining girls cavorting around their photographer's legs like cats. Fun. Of course, Andrea, having JUST fallen off the turnip truck, has to mention how giggly it made her being so close to a real boy-weenie and how hard it was to try and not touch it. Ew.
After the cat shananigans, Tricia announced she had to go to the airport to catch a plane to L.A. - why do we care, again? Before she left though, she introduced the girls to a friend of hers - Kim Nenneberg. Apparently, Kim is a 'beauty model' - a model who gets shots taken very close to her face. At least one of the girls was kind sure that she recognized her from 'magazines.' She bears an eery resemblence to someone familiar, that's for sure...


The girls start taking 'beauty shots' which are, according to them, a lot more intense...niggah, please. The results were less than stellar, with Andrea looking plastered, Brandi looking asleep and the other girls looking...just meh. Ylenia, in my opinion, took the best photos (again) but the photographer felt the need to give Brandi the prize for this exercise.
Her win, of course, threw Andrea into a tailspin. For some inexplicable reason, Andrea was suddenly under the impression that she should have won simply because she hadn't won yet. Sorry, this isn't Kindergarten, ass. Brandi, upon returing home, opened the portable DVD player she got as a prize and a video of Jay Manuel came on. Clearly taped at the time of Episode #1 (his only appearance on CNTM), he makes no mention of the name of the prize winner, nor do they make specific references to the exercise that this prize was won for. Classy! He basically just told her some stupid shit about being confident, but keeping her ego in check.
Later that night, Andrea took out her frustration about losing while sitting in the jacuzzi. Her strategy: kiss as much Sisi ass as possible for no reason whatsoever. Later still, the girls were having a movie night which Andrea refused to participate in. Ylenia came to check on her and Andrea said, "No, it has nothing to do with them." Translation: "Those bitches made me cry."
It was on to the photoshoot the next morning. This week's shoot tried to capture old Hollywood glamour by using Pantene products - good luck with that. The Fake-Accent lady came in and started ragging on Andrea that she shouldn't have to come in and pose her every time they have a shoot - which is true. She also stated that the entire point of this shoot was for the girls to learn their faces. WTF?
Then it was Alanna's turn and the Fake-Accent lady and the photography just went on and on about how Alanna is inhibited. I guess its true, but leave her alone, fucktards. The photographer mentioned that he couldn't shoot Alanna from the front because it was 'just flat' - weird thing is, he never gave her the option - as soon as she came to the set, he told her the whole thing was going to be 3/4 turned, over her shoulder. Its pretty damn clear that Alanna is biting the dust this episode, but it always annoys me when they clearly orchestrate girls' downfalls on ANTM and now CNTM. So rude.
Andrea got to go home early because she finished first. When she got back, there was something amiss.


Stacey McKenzie was chomping down on the girl's food for the week and Andrea apprehensively approached, with a voice-over proclaiming that "that judge, out of all them, makes me nervous. She seems to single me out and make me feel like an idiot."


Andrea tried on her shoes as they bonded over bad 80s style choices and wine. It was just beautiful.

Back to the photoshoot and it was Brandi's turn. She looked great on first inspection, but got chastized repeatedly for moving. Then they dropped the bombshell...Fake-Accent lady called her 'haggard' - how fucking DARE she, that little bitch who can't decided between vit-a-mins and OH-MY-GAHD. I fucking hate her, for the record. Fake-Accent lady thought there must have been a large number of empty wine bottles living just outside the girl's recycling bin at home and that it was starting to show on Brandi's face. "She looks five years old than her last shoot."


After a commercial break, we returned to the house - to Andrea and Stacey bonding again, over old photos and chick pea salad which Stacey pooh-poohed immediately. She ain't never tried mine, that's all I'm gonna say.

Ylenia was up next and she looked incredible. The photographer, though, said it was difficult to 'pull that spark out of her' (take her to a doctor, asshole) and Fake-Accent lady, on a tear this week, said Ylenia simply "photographs old." At least her accent is real, okay?
Sisi went up, made to look like Veronica Lake (?!), and no comments were really made about her shots, just that she thought the photographer was 'dramatic.' Whatever.

Quickly back to the house and Stacey asks who the girls hate. Immediately, Brandi shot up and said "I have to share a room with Sisi!" The floodgates were then open and a torrent of comments flew out, most notably that Sisi was two-faced and fake.

Back at the shoot, Fake-Accent lady made an interesting point during Sisi's photos, stating that 'what annoys the other girls about Sisi is what's keeping her in this game.' Interesting if clearly unproven theory - it's their annoyance in her that's keeping her in there, not her pictures (this is a reality show, kids, don't pretend otherwise) - PERIOD. So, I guess she's half right.

In the house, Stacey was going through the girl's walks with them. In the middle, Sisi and Ylenia return home from the shoot. Sisi went through her walk while Stacey critiqued. In the other room, Andrea went on a tear about how she's glad that Sisi humiliated herself the first week - where did this come from? Then they showed an interview clip with Sisi, in which she stated that Andrea 'was a lot more ambitions than we think.' Could this be true? Interesting...I love her horrid Engrish, btw. Its too fucking funny and never ceases to make me giggle. At one point in this episode she actually said - wait for it...


Unfortunately, just as I was thinking that Andrea might actually be a threat in this game, she takes a few too many of Stacey's ideas to heart regarding her wardrobe - most notably, their penchant for 80s ripped and cut up shirts. Andrea grabs her baby blue sweater and starts hacking away at it, much to Brandi's amusement.


Then came the judging. I won't bother introducing the judges this time, you know them well enough. The girls 'live' challenge was to create a 'live' beauty shot, through a picture frame.

Here are their 'live' shots:


I think they all blew, myself, but who knows with these four freaks. They didn't bother commenting on these shots yet, they moved onto the invididual evaluations.

Alanna got a huge reaction from the judges, which surprised me. Perhaps I was wrong - maybe she wasn't going home...? They liked her 'live' shot too, saying that the confidence she shows on film needs to appear in person.

Ylenia, too, got a mixed reaction - the photographer dude said she 'killed' in her live shot and he hoped that she'd have brought that to the shoot yesterday. Then Stacey and the blond homo took issue with that, stating that they didn't think she did well at all. They weren't impressed with her Pantene shot, but did give her kudos for taking on the hair-over-one-eye challenge. Seriously.

The judges were impressed that Sisi brought her personality to the 'live' shot, but said it was a little too pouty and 'Zoolander-ish.' They loved her Pantene photo, however, saying they'd never seen that kind of softness from her. Tricia, for whatever reason, then pointed out that Sisi has a lazy eye, but pretty much had to get someone else to determine which eye it was (Holy producer enduced drama, Batman!).

Tricia had a problem with Brandi's 'live' shot because she couldn't hold it together and started laughing. Her Pantene shot was better received, with Jeanne liking the coyness of it. Idiot.

Of course, Andrea's commentary began with her outfit. The comments, however, were entirely pointless and not at all interesting. Not so for her Pantene shot, though - on which Tricia commented that she needed meat on her bones. Andrea was mortally offended by the comment, but kept her cool. Thankfull, her post judgement interviews were intercut so we could see her spit out, "I am NOT going to be another TRICIA!" Hahaha! Ah, finally a stupendously retarded moment in this episode. It's like "Where's Waldo" - there's always one in there, somewhere.


After the other three names were called, it was down to Ylenia and Brandi. And then Tricia pulled out the last picture: Brandi. So Ylenia, my newest fave, is gone. I can pick 'em, huh? Perhaps I should pick the girl I hate the most and then eliminate them.

Damn.

Till next time.

Categories: Canada's_Next_Top_Model