The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Well, after a season full of false promises that failed to deliver, we landed straight into the Season Finale of Canada's Next (Top) Model. I honestly forgot this Wednesday was the finale - seeing as I wasn't in the remotest bit interested in any of the contestants going into the final three. This episode, however, was by far the most rife with manufactured drama and breakdowns, which I completely cover below (with video clips!).

Just to remind everyone - the final three girls are:

Sisi (The Bitch)


Sisi (The Pyscho)


Alanna (The Meh)

The episode opened with the girls returning home, looking like their previously fugly selves, thanks to the last episode's "live" judgement competition (which involved making yourself look as hideous as possible). Sisi seemed to think that Andrea winning the entire shebang would be cliche and that the real competition was between Alanna and herself. Alanna, for her part, commented on Brandi's leaving...as if anyone remembers her. Oh wait! Army & Navy do! She was worried - simply because she hated the two bithces she was living with. Poor, Alanna.
Being her usual shrewd self, Andrea surmised that Brandi's not saying goodbye to them when she was eliminated proved she didn't care about any of them. "Hey Andrea! The role of Sherlock Holmes has already been cast - lighten up on your crazy theories!"

Wait! No time for this! There's TriciaMail! Let's listen:

Tricia came on the portable DVD player and told the girls that they're all looking like real models (you must give me the name of your optometrist) but that they need to stand and deliver. In keeping, she booked them on a 'special assignment.'

The girls headed over to their first photoshoot this episode. Some dude met them and let them know that they'd be doing a Cover Girl commercial. WhoooHEE!!! Nice! This is seriously the moment when I realized the women would be separated from the girls. The scripts were handed out and the three finalist tried to memorize them as best they could (heh...).
Sisi was the first up and...as my previous posts on CNTM would imply, it was a veritable Nagasaki of mass language destruction. Nah, seriously, she did alright, although we were given this lovely gem:

"It wasn't getting the lines right, it was getting them in the right tonation."

DHAHAHA! Ah, sorry. I'm recovered now. Moving on...

Andrea was up next and thankfully, she stuck with tradition and 'stupided' her way through it. Her line delivery, when complete (about 12% of the time) was abyssmally unemotional and lacking in, how you say...tonation?


The next girl up was Alanna and this girl invented three more levels of butchery than the first two. She fidgeted, fucked up lines, bit her lip, got flustered, etc., etc., etc. She was HORRIBLE. Then again, I noted when watching that the editing on her line delivery was severe, very jumpy - so maybe they made it look worse than it was. Wouldn't be the first time.


After solo line delivery standing in front of the camera, all three girls had to do a walk to camera while delivering the lines. Thankfully, they gave them easier lines for this bit. Alanna did well, Andrea was alright, but Sisi had issues about walking in a straight line to camera. As she was doing it though, the other girls keenly watched her, looking very worried. They all didn't do that hot, but editing can do wonders, just you wait.


A series of closeups, involving the fake application of make-up, followed with each girl having to re-enact this one move of her fingers crossing her face. God, seeing commercials being filmed is about 4% as interesting as watching them on television, I must say.
After that, we saw the three go through various uber cheesy moves: playing with huge balls, pretending they were in a Doris Day movie, laughing, smiling, looking surprised, you know the drill. Stupid shit.
The director yelled cut and the whole thing was done. He hugged them in that fake Hollywood way and suddenly we cut and we're in the girl's bedroom with Tricia seated across from them. She told them that they were going to see their commercial now but reminded them that someone was going home...you bitch.
Sisi, Andrea and Alanna entered the "Chamber of Judgement" where their 'commercial' was played for them. I must say, the result was typical, if not amusing. What do you think?


My initial reaction:

a) Isn't this an ad for MAKE-UP? Then why the FUCK do they all look like they've been coated in fucking VASELINE!
b) More to point a - who the HELL lit this commercial? Helen Keller?? Christ.

Afterwards, Tricia told them "It almost looks like a professional commercial." Excuse me? I didn't see any AMATEURS on the set - in other words, it's total and utter GARBAGE. Interestingly, this ad, unlike ANTM ads, would never see the light of day aside from that one showing. Even more interesting, to me, was that this was a group ad, which is something they don't do on ANTM. I guess our Canadian girls don't warrant their own individual ads, huh? Stacey was so upset that she began spontaneously channeling Aunt Jemima.


Andrea exlaimed, "I loved it!" Shut up, tool.
And that was that - Tricia sent them out for the deliberation, surely musing to herself how dumb it was to not put a 'triple elimination' clause into her contract as host.
While the girls were off somewhere unknown praying to God, the judges began. Jeanne said that she didn't buy anything Andrea was saying in the ad and Stacey dun agreed. She did point out though, that Andrea is a chameleon (which is entirely true) and that she could certainly do high-fashion (coz there's a large call for that in fucking WHITBY, ONTARIO). Jeanne, however, pointed out that Andrea would do great catwalk work if only she could grasp the 'walk' portion.
Onto Sisi - the ad director, the guest judge, pointed out, "Besides the language issue, throughout the day she had three moves." Who cares about the moves, ass - FINALLY someone points out that this girl is setting back the stereotype associated with Asians farther than Margaret Cho's impersonation of her mother. Michael Benoit pointed out that the other girls have finally caught up with Sisi and now her look has become stuck in a rut.
Alanna, on the other hand, got rave reviews, escept for some issue with her mouth that Michael brought up. Jeanne pointed out that models shouldn't be automotons because a coke whore with a hairlip is much more interesting than say...Kate Moss. Good point, Jeanne. The ad director rightly pointed out, also, that Alanna LOOKED the part of a Cover Girl model.

And then they returned. Tricia pulled out the first photo...Andrea. Sisi grabbed onto Alanna for dear life, but it was too late. Tricia had already pulled Alanna's picture out. Sisi, for the first time all season, showed some emotion and some caring as she hugged the other two and said goodbye to the judges.
I gotta say, her elimination astounded me, considering the photos she takes compared to the other two. Although her cuntiness would certainly lead to unprofessionalism, she had a personality. As well, her elimination means one thing - the most uneventful CNTM ever (and the first; probably the last). At this point, my money was on Alanna because Andrea is a fucking mental patient, plain and simple. She might take better pictures, but her hideous personality drove me nuts.

After the break, Alanna and Andrea returned to the house to find another piece of TriciaMail waiting for them. Tricia explained that the next day they'd have a photo face off and a fierce runway finale. FUN! She went on to explain that one of them would be in the spotlight and one would be in the shadow - I sense a Bette Midler moment... Eager to win, the girls then started practicing their runway walks in front of the mirror.
They went to the shoot the next morning and discovered their photographer was a woman. Nice. They also met the editor of Fashion magazine who would be leading them in the shoot which was a 'cover-try' - meaning an attempt to get a cover-shot, stupid.
Andrea was impressed by the available wardrobe and was put in a dress that cost $1000. Wow. Beats the Goodwill, huh? Her shoot went well and the photographer was great, although she seemed to be micromanaging the shooting and telling Andrea EVERYTHING she had to do. Perhaps this was just her style. She did comment on how Andrea wore clothes well because of her thinness and her height, which is great for a model. Well, duh. The photolady also said Andrea's look was VERY versatile.


Alanna's shoot was a different story (only for me, though) as I thought they put her in the most retardedly hideous garment ever conceived in the minds of the most invalid audition reject from Project Runway. Like seriously puke-a-tronic.


It didn't help that Alanna looked positively squirmy through the whole thing, perhaps because of the dress, or the new facelift her stapled-back hair-do had given her. She and the photographer worked well, although even Alanna said she felt like 'she wasn't really getting it' and that she 'could tell it wasn't really working.' In the middle of the shoot, the photographer decided Alanna needed a necklace so they put one on her. She then took a few more shots and declared that they were changing dresses 'just for fun.' Thank god. I guess I'm not the only one who hated it.
While Alanna went to change, we were treated to the last appearance this season of my fave character on the show - Fake Accent Lady. Inexplicably absent from the photoshoot before this point, she burst onto the scene and delivered yet another mish mash of Mid-Atlanic dipthonged nonsense. As promised in the last blog, here is her last clip...sniff.


Anyway, anyway, anyway...they got Alanna into another dress but she didn't feel comfortable in it. I'm sure that will lead to great photographs. The photographer tried to get Alanna's legs into the shot but I wasn't buying it. She said that Alanna took direction very well, though and was eager. Meh, is right.

The next assignment had the girls practicing their runway walk with runway coach, Stacey McKenzie. I finally got to see Stacey's runway walk during this segment and yeah, she's pretty good. Alanna and Andrea, however...how are these the two best models in Canada? Gimme a break, seriously. Stacey gave them a few tips along the way and then told them they need to be 'on point' for the runway show. Indeed.


Although the return from break and establishing shot of dawn seemed to indicate the next morning, clearly it was the same day since Stacey still had on the same retardo outfit of a sweatshirt over a leather one piece. I kid you not.

Then the runway show started, but not before Jeanne, Michael, Tricia and return guest, Jay Manuel arrived in the front row. This MUST be a big event if these four 'big-wigs' show up, huh? Alanna was first out and I gotta say, unlike ANTM, this feels like I'm watching the evening gown portion of the Chin Picnic, knowattamean? Just seriously cheap and underwhelming...much like this entire show.
Andrea went out and it was more of the same, although Andrea had this deer-in-the-headlights look the entire time. Of course, Jay comments on how much she has improved. Jesus. He also noted that Alanna didn't seem 100% comfortable in the environment. She may not have been comfortable, but the bitch stepped it up when she put on a dress backwards by accident, leaving the overly long train in the front. Alanna sucked it up, went on the catwalk and did it - holding the front up slightly but she didn't even falter which can't be said for a load of ANTM models, that's for damn sure. Neither girl, however, really stood out so the judges were all kind of, "I dunno" when it came to calling a winner early.

The girls were then back at home, talking about the entire experience and what they'd do if they won the entire thing. Alanna said she didn't really know, but Andrea had a lot more to say about it in less articulate ways. What happened next was pure reality TV gold, which is good, coz this shitfest has been sorely lacking it since Tenika was eliminated prematurely. The video below is one of the most pathetic, idiotic and yet HONEST interview clips I've ever seen with a competitor on a reality show. As cheesy and childish as it makes her look, this is exactly why every one of these people goes on a reality show...


The girls left the house and headed to the Chamber of Judgement for the final time. Da-da-DUM.
At this point, I didn't really give two shits who won coz they were both pretty "meh" as I've said. Alanna and Andrea arrived in front of the judges and we were treated to a retread of their progress so far. Jay Manuel joined the judges for this final session.
Tricia covered the photoshoot the previous day and Andrea was up first. Her photo:

Jeanne thought it looked like a 'real' model - what the hell are these girls, then? Jay commented that it was a totally different person he was seeing (to the first episode when he met Andrea for the first time). Tricia told Andrea that the photographer told her she lost some energy during the shoot and had to refocus. I dunno, to me the picture looks way too Lancome in the Sears catalogue, no?

Alanna:


I hate this picture, this dress, her hair, everything about this picture, for the record. Tricia said it was a big improvement over 'some of [her] face on shots' while Michael said he hated the pose, but realized it wasn't her fault. Jay pointed out that the placement of the arm leads your eye out of the photo and he was 1000000% right. Having been an art student, you find out something about composition and that photographer knew it, too. I honestly think this picture was chosen to lessen Alanna's chances. I do, that's right.

The judges then reviewed the runway show with the girls, saying the usual crap. Andrea was up first. Jay seemed to be the only judge realizing that this was clearly 'Top Model Lite' and pointed out that Andrea's poses at the end of the catwalk were pretty lacklustre. Tricia talked about Andrea's improvement since their first meeting and how significant it was.
Alanna's review went pretty much the same, with Jeanne saying that catwalk modelling is about being a heightened, slightly over-the-top version of yourself; basically being theatrical. She also said one thing to remember is that fashion is all about fantasy and when you're on the runway it should feel like 'you're moving through a different density.' Wow, good call, Jeanne.

Then came one of the most drawn out, stretched-for-time deliberations I've ever seen. No one could decide. There were pros and cons for each girl and honestly, they were pretty much neck and neck. There were loads of hands against foreheads, a lot of sighs, a lot of long faces...and then it happened: a moment were weren't even teased with, which surprised me, but a memorable moment nonetheless. A pathetic breakdown and walk-off, in about 10 seconds.


Don't worry, Stacey returned, but the time had come. Time to pick Canada's (Next Top) Model and utterly destroy the loser's life and crush them into reality television oblivion...only to be seen on sad retrospective shows that air every 15 minutes on StarTV.
Tricia way over-milked the drama here but I guess that's the nature of the beast. I won't ruin the ending for you, not that anyone gives a shit, but really, since this is the final winner, I'll let you witness the moment for yourself.


I have 1.5 words on the subject of the winner - SCANDA-FUCKING-LOUS. If you're at work or some shit and you can't see the video, you can see the winner here.

I'll lay waiting with bated breath until next season...if it happens.

Till then, gentle readers.

Categories: Canada's_Next_Top_Model