The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

If when you get onto an elevator with 3 other people (and one of them is your girlfriend), you notice 3 numbers chosen, your work is done. No amount of Good Samaritan horseshit will change the fact that everyone knows what floor they're going to and has surmised that the magic light up numbers on the wall, ascending from B, through to M, through to 28 (skipping 13) correspond to their destinations of choice. SO FUCK OFF.

Enough of the frustrating mess. I think that GIF will accompany every Tip for Retards from now on. SWEET.

Last night marked the finale of Season 12 (I think) of Survivor. It was full of surprises, but unfortunately, most of them shitty, disappointing ones. After the cliffhanger with Cerie and Danielle racing to build a fire strong enough to burn through a piece of twine, we saw the conclusion last night.
Of course, since we saw Cerie build a fire with relatively little effort in the previous episode, I predicted she had to lose because Survivor is nothing if not a red herring lover. And lo and behold, I was right. Cerie lost, but not because of her fire making skills but because of her lack of will power to stop herself from gawking at Danielle's inferno between her legs. As you can see on the right, she started off much stronger than Danielle, but once her fire died slightly, she couldn't take her eyes off Danielle's and subsequently lost.
Then it came down to who would Danielle take to the final two. Anyone with half a brain in the viewing audience knew ONE thing...if she took Aras, she would surely lose as they both had screwed people, but Aras did it with a charming smile while Danielle did it with a surly bitchiness that was bubbling beneath the surface. Courtney and Shane HATED her, while most of the other people on the jury just found her annoying, lazy or all around unbearable (like the audience). The only vote she would have gotten for sure would have come from Austin, as they two 'bonded' (see: poked in the rain) on Exile Island once.
If she went to the final two with the Terrinator© she at least had a hope based on the number of people Terry destroyed in challenges on his way to the top. Although, those half-brain people I mentioned also knew that Terry would win because he just played the best. The former tribemates of Danielle would most likely vote for Terry simply based on her laziness and backstabbery. Pretty easy choice.
However, Danielle, being an assclown, took Aras. The second Probst said, "Terry" as the person being axed, it was sealed - Aras would win. The rest of the episode was rather boring and unsurprising, although the inevitable freakouts from resident wacko's Courtney and Shane were fun.
For her part, Courtney, since being voted off, had an unerring habit of making lewd faces, scoffing and occasionally laughing derisively at the remaining competitors. She'd been stabbed in the back and wanted everyone in TV land (who she assumed missed it) to know how bitter she was. During the comments, she was surprising quiet and still, but the second she got up to speak, you knew there'd be sketchy fireworks galore.

"I just want you guys to know that through the love and acceptable of flower power and ritual tribal fire dancing, I've been able to overcome my mental obstacles and forgive both of you. I really feel like you only live once and you can't be burden down with negativity. You have to bath in negativity like an Pakistani woman bathes her children in piss water...it really has freed me. I don't have a bitter bone in my bitterly boney body. I don't.
Now...Aras, you mother fucking ass - you voted me off and I hate you, but I'm not bitter. I want your family to be burned alive while you watch, but I'm bathed in forgiveness and positivity.
Danielle - you cunty bitch, you stabbed me in the back, you fucking WHORE. Positivity and forgiveness IN and negativity and bitterness OUT."

She then asked them each a question but I can't remember it since it wasn't that interesting and like her tribemates, I got tired her mindless, flower-child, patchooli-wearing bag of bullshit after about 25 seconds.

Then Shane got up and began what was to surely be the best commentary of the night. He entered into a diatribe against both competitors since they stabbed in the back. What I love is how these people forget that the douchebags sitting next to them did the same thing, but apparently that's okay because being voted off is the great equalizer. Bullshit, of course, but I digress...
He reamed both players and then said, "I have a challenge for you. Since I haven't made my decision, I want you to choose a number between 1 and 1,000,000,000. The person closest to my number gets my vote." The man is a genius.
Aras went first, choosing 3. Of course, if you've got brain one in your head you know that by chosing 4, you've given yourself a 999,999,997:1 chance of losing. I like those odds. Apparently, Danielle likes to live dangerously and she ended up choosing 7. WTF? What a tool.
The rest of the comments and questions were pretty pointless and boring. So was the vote. Everyone got up, wrote their vote on their ballot and sat back down. Probst walked over, grabbed the container and brought it back. He then began reading the votes.

1 for Aras
1 for Danielle
1 for Danielle
1 for Aras
1 for Aras

and finally...

1 for Aras.

The two votes for Danielle were clearly Austin and Shane, but who cares. They knew they were throwing their votes away anyway.

So Aras wins. Whoopdidoo. I felt the guy was a pompous, ego-centric prick who really showed his true colours (those of a total prick-tard) a couple times. Oh well. A disappointing win, but as long as lazy ass Danielle didn't win, I guess I shouldn't complain.


Lets begin our examination of Aras' alleged homosexuality. It will be an indepth anaylisis, so sit tight. The evidence:

• he is a yoga instructor
• no matter how little they had to eat or how dead tired they were, he sported an ever stiffening faux-hawk (see above)
• when loved ones were offered up as a prize, Shane had his son, Cerie had her husband, Terry had his wife and Aras...had his mum.
• Terry won and gave Aras the ass kick, sending him packing with no reward. They subsequently got into an argument when Terry claimed seeing his WIFE meant more to him than would Aras seeing his MOTHER. Aras vehemently denied this, stating that his mother was the most important... ...fag.

So ends our examination.

Verdict?

Queer.

The only evidence against it that I could see was his manly fall onto the champagne bottle he and Danielle received (for no apparent reason) on their last day. He slipped on a rock while carrying the bottle and basically landed on the bottle. He got up and had a shard sticking out of his back, which he removed while stumbling away and then collapsed on the rocks. Aras managed to get himself up and to the camp, as his back and hand gushed blood but they had to call the medi-vac team AGAIN. This time, however, they only gave him stitches and a pat on the ass.

There's always some drama on Survivor, that's for sure.

Ian and I partook in Survivor, KFC and cider last night. I am, for the record, officially giving up cider. The heartburn and hangover are by far the WORST i have ever experienced. Total brain meltdown and stomach revolt.

Categories: Survivor, Terry, Aras, Danielle, Cerie, Tips_for_Retards