The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

I thought I'd go ghetto like Tyra. Heehee!

Can I just say the BEST show by FAR this year on telly is Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List." I have always marvelled at how funny and irreverant and catty Kathy is on Howard Stern (she appears about once every 2 months) but I had no IDEA her stand-up act was so entirely side-splittingly guffaw-enducing. Last night's episode wasn't technically an episode of MLOTDL, but it was a slice of her stand-up act (which I am murdering homeless people and selling their organs to go see when she *hopefully* comes to Toronto). From her musings on Ryan Seacrest and his ripping open of her shirt on an awards show ("You'll have to forgive Mr. Seacrest, that's the first time he's touched a woman..."), to her commenting on Oprah and Tyra Banks ability to go from British aristocracy to ghetto princesses in the span of one sentence ("Lydia, you have a great ability as a model but you gotta move that she-bang-she-bang, GURL!"), to her comments on Clay Gayken, his fans called "Claymates," his country "Claynation" and his dog Raleigh (who wears a pink bow). The woman is HILARIOUS! I have not laughed so hard at a comedian's thoughts since Judy Tenuta. Her very relatable mode of story-telling, as if she's letting you in on a huge secret and how excited she is to tell it to you is REALLY appealing and fresh. Kudos to Kathy. You've gained a weekly viewer.

Last night was a real TV fest for me (with nothing better to do...actually, I have loads of better shit to do, but I was burning a particularly long DVD of monkey-porn and frankly, you have to have priorities, so it was a small toke and a couch potatoe night for yours truly. My cat kept me from fusing with the couch, however, demanding attention and playtime). Speaking of Tyra Banks, I got sucked into (rather annoyingly) last night's episode of America's Next Top Model. I'm telling you - these shows are devised by Satan to suck you in and then never let you go. The only really funny moments on the show were the photo shoot, which involved a treadmill and people running from a greenscreen (running in heels is apparently very difficult - I wouldn't know).
This poor twit who refused to cut her hair (she was a total "Miss America" type and actually believed that, with her piss poor attitude and inability to roll with the punches, she would actually become Miss America. Don't think so, luv). She had a pixie type hairdo which was culled from her rather lengthy tresses, but I missed that episode. The little wet kitten was none to pleased with this new haircut and when the people DEMANDED that she cut her hair to Mia-Farrow-a-la-Rosemary's-Baby's style (my favourite horror film, btw) she FLIPPED. So they kicked her off the show. Nice! Frankly, Mia Farrow looked incredible in Rosemary's Baby and the bitch shoulda bit the bullet - all the other 'models' on the show told her, as did her FARKING MOTHER!
There was this other lesbo chick who was involved with another contestant...and guess who the two people on the chopping block were? You guessed it - Lesbiana and her confused 'buddy.' Oh the contrived drama and suspense is KILLING ME! Unfortunately, the producers failed to realize that Lesbiana was WAY better than the blonde Confusium she was involved with, so the cut was obvious. Lameasses.

I managed to also watch Martha Stewart's Apprentice, which I'd been meaning to take a gander at since hearing about it. I hate Donald Trump (call it jealousy, call it petty, call it whatever). The man is a pompous buffoon who isn't NEARLY as good at business as he would have the world believe. Many of his businesses have declared bankruptcy, namely his huge casino. Whatever, who cares. I also hate his god-awful comb-over from HELL that apparently slutty, Eastern-European girls can over look as long as you fill their empty lives with loads and loads of cash and guest spots on The View. Ugh. This is why I hate The Apprentice, because even though Donald isn't in the show a whole lot - the most exciting moments of the show involve him and revolve around his bloated, overly-self-important opinions on things and frankly, I can't be bothered.
Martha, however, was GREAT. I love the concept of the show, just not Donald Trump and I really do actually like Martha Stewart's delivery and on-air personality, so it was quite enjoyable. The douchebags on the show I could do without, though. Holy crap are these people drama queens. I can't believe, either, that there's not a homo among them. What a crock.
One thing of note was the ridiculous "dramatic" ending. The task was designing, building and selling a wedding cake at a bridal convention. One group had a great cake, great concept and a great sales pitch. They won. The other group took the word of a famous (but albeit misguided) cake designer and designed a very narrowly appealing cake. This is fine as long as you can sell it. The sales team BLEW and one woman was nearly assaulting people to look at the cake and pressuring them to buy.
Anyway, fast forward to the board room meeting and the team leader just blurts out that two women who had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING are up for getting the chop. They leave the boardroom and Martha, in another contrived dramatic moment, says, "This isn't right, I don't like this. This was a sales issue."
So they call EVERYONE back in and cut this stupid bitch who made the retardo move of the century by saying cockily that if they didn't win the task, she should be cut.
Martha took it to heart and cut her. NICE.

All in all, a productive evening of crappy television viewing. Don't even get me started on that dumb bitch Katy on Coronation Street.

S.