The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

..on the internet, no less! *SHOCKING*

I belong to myspace.com as you can now verify by viewing my profile. Go ahead, do it. Make sure you come back, though...

...back? Cool.

Okay, in the past two days the infamous "ANTI-BONSAI KITTENS" petition as resurfaced through a series of numbnuts who don't actually take the time to read the site, they just ASSUME it's real based on photos and hearsay. If one was to visit BonsaiKitten.com immediately, they are bombarded with a picture of a cat in a jar.

They then decide to read the main page, becoming more incensed with every second.

"WHAT A SICK FUCK!"

...and they sign the petition with lightning speed, often adding a "This guy needs to burn in hell," or some such nonsense, for good measure (in reality this is a reflex to deflect guilt off of themselves for reading such a perverse and twisted website).

HOWEVER, this website, as has been PUBLISHED WIDELY FOR YEARS, is NOT REAL.

Hear that? NOT REAL. It's a joke. A satirical look at Japanese beautification and preservation practices. And it's a fucking hysterical site if you're smart enough to realize what's going on.

Sadly, some people can't. I don't blame them, really...I mean, not everyone is programmed to understand subtlety and subtext, so let them go along their merry way, believing tabloids and every story they hear on Entertainment Tonight without even batting an eyelash.

I, however, enjoy nothing more than subtle satire and sarcastic rants. Sue me.

Back to my point:

A person on my friends list posted this petition and I tactfully pointed out that it was a hoax and that he should actually read the website. After four of five minutes of perusing, it would become crystal clear. Fine.

I thought this was the end of the story.

Then a good buddy of mine posted the petition again, stating it was a hoax and telling people to ignore it.

Pointing out stupidity is fun.

Then I get up this a.m. and check my myspace inbox. There is a bulletin post from a girl on my list who I, admittedly, don't know that well, but who seemed cool to me in the past.

The title of the bulletin was "Bonsai Kittens - this is a hoax!!"

I laugh.

People who believe are stupid.
People who get it are smart.
People who sign the petition are stupid.
People who patronizingly point out the hoax are smart.

Then I open her bulletin.

To paraphrase, it basically said the usual:

- this thing is a hoax
- been known for years
- read the website, it's obvious
- don't bother signing the petition.

Fine, fine, fine.

Then came the straw. You know...the one that broke that fragile camel's back?

She wrote:

"Don't waste your time signing the petition - go to the SPCA website to see how to get this website shut down."

Sorry?

Say again?

Hang on a minute, I'm putting my Perry Mason hat on...

...nice.

So, WITNESS...you state that you realize the website is fake. True?

Yes.

And you also state that signing a petition to have a website shut down that is promoting a fake practice is a waste of time?

Yes.

So you admit the website is not real?

Yes.

And you admit that the procedure of 'jarring kittens' is a figment of this webmasters imagination?

Yes.

And it's not practiced anywhere on this planet that you are aware of?

Yes.

Not even in this webmaster's home?

Yes.

Why?

Because the website is fake.

You also admit that people should read the SPCA's website, do you not?

Yes.

And is it true that the SPCA website has researched Bonsaikitten.com?

Yes.

As has the FBI?

Yes.

And the conclusion was the website is fake, was it not?

Yes.







...need I go on?

This bulletin post made steam come out my ears. I immediately deleted this humourless, imbecilic, flag-waving retard off my friends list. I then posted this bulletin, stating the OBVIOUS:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The obviously fake website Bonsai Kitten has come under fire by a ludicrous petition that is making the rounds again.

The website is a joke. Anyone who signs the petition is a fool.

I can handle fools.

What I can't handle is people stating the website is a joke, and then in the next paragraph posting a link to a website on how to shut Bonsai Kitten down.

Huh?

Ever heard of free speech?

Anyone reposting the moron link on how to shut down this website is being deleted from my friends list. I was shocked when someone on my list encouraged this practice, denying the website owners right to post whatever the FUCK he wants.

And if the Humane Society is going to be offended, they should start worrying about REAL fucking problems with REAL fucking animals and not wasting their time with a HUMOUROUS WEBSITE THAT IS IN NO WAY REAL OR DOING THE THINGS IT CLEARLY JOKES ABOUT PRACTICING.

"The Massachusetts SPCA and the FBI initiated an investigation of the site's creator, but discovered no evidence of actual animal abuse or the sale of bonsai kitten "products," though the investigation remains active. If the creator is not e-mailing the obscene materials to an unwilling audience, violating a User's Agreement, committing the abuse depicted on site, or actually selling products involving animal cruelty, then the site is considered free speech and is protected by the First Amendment."

This has to be the most moronic statement ever - since the guy's website is FAKE (AND THE COCKING FBI HAS SAID SO), we can't do anything. But here are methods to stop this horrible practice...not kitten abuse, mind you, we're talking about humour on the internet.

Idiots.

The onion will be next on the hit list for fucktards like this and anyone who agrees it should be shut down.

Good day,

Sean
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My problem here is multi-fold:

1) This webmaster, no matter how much the FICTIONAL (I feel I have to keep saying it, coz some people, as we've seen here, are too stupid to figure it out) content of his website 'offends' you, has a right to post it.
2) The SPCA should really be spending time and energy on the real and very tangible cruelties that are inflicted on animals EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of EVERY SINGLE DAY, not some guy with a website about the FICTIONAL PRACTICE of sticking FICTIONAL CATS in FICTIONAL JARS!
3) The amount of knee-jerk reaction bullshit that still rears its pimply, sunken-in head, is ASTOUNDING.

If this website is shut down - ANYTHING could be shut down because someone disagrees with it.

As I said in my bulletin, The Onion will be under fire next.

The moral for today is:

- don't be stupid
- don't take things at face value
- disagreement or a lack of sense of humour is not grounds for obliterating someone's right to free speech

...and finally...

- get a fucking life

Turrah!

Sean