The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

I feel like I've won some kind of man-lottery. I've bought tickets in the past...not a lot, mind you...but never won much. Usually nothing more than $10...or a free ticket.

Not this time, however.



xoxo

Why does this article appear to be more plausible than any other explanation...?

For the record, everything below was written by someone else. Apologies in advance, I know not what their name be...


Independent Sources

Bureaucrats?Independent Sources Confirms Existence of Tom Cruise/Rob Thomas Rumor Independent Sources announced today that it has uncovered a new, previously undiscovered Tom Cruise rumor:

Tom Cruise and Matchbox Twenty's Rob Thomas are lovers!

Independent Sources has hesitated writing about Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes for many reasons. First, there are other things going on in the world that, believe it or not, rank higher on the importance scale. Second, pretty much everything that can be said is being said.

However, someone (I'll call her Mistress of the Hollywood Rumor) just walked into Insider's office with the following dish that I feel compelled to pass on. I did a quick check of Technorati and it wasn't there. So even if it is not true, it is at least original.

No doubt that anyone with an Internet connection has read about Tom Cruise being gay. According to rumor lore, he has had a long-time boyfriend in Chicago who is an Asian pilot for American Airlines. This is an accusation that Cruise and more importantly Cruise's many attorneys vehemently deny.

There have been many stories that supposedly corroborate his sexuality but never a smoking gun. Rumor mongers attribute this to the fact that Cruise goes to great lengths to cover his tracks. We are told that everyone around him signs extensive confidentiality contracts with enormous penalties for indiscretion. (Exhibit A: the 8-page confidentiality contract Cruise's housekeeper was forced to sign).

Such stories have been around for years and Cruise has evidently attempted to counter them with a series of high-profile heteronormative relationships. First, Nicole Kidman, then Penelope Cruz, and most recently Katie Holmes. In each instance, the "relationship" is actually a contract that gives the women a boost to their careers, a lot of money, and an elegant lifestyle.

Here is where this particular rumor gets interesting. Not long ago, Marisol, the wife of Matchbox Twenty's Rob Thomas (who has had to contend with his own rumors of bi-sexuality) found her husband in bed with Tom Cruise causing Cruise's people to shift into high gear.

First, Mrs. Rob Thomas was bought off for an undetermined sum. Second, Cruise and his handlers set out to immediately find Cruise a girlfriend. Second-tier actresses were targeted. A list was drawn up with Jessica Alba (..1 pick) and three other girls who fell out for various reasons. Originally targeted (..3 I think) but later rejected as "undesirable" was rumor queen Lindsay Lohan. Way down at ..5 on the list was Katie Holmes, but that was the one with whom they were able to strike a deal.

Once the contact was signed, photo ops were set up, leaks were made to the right places, and we've had celebrity relationship on steroids ever since.

One thing I will credit this rumor for is how it nicely explains Tom's behavior this past few months-including the couch jumping episode on Oprah. Cruise simply didn't have time for the Holmes rumors to circulate at its normal speed and he couldn't allow it to be second page news while the tabloids focused on Brad, Jennifer and Angelina. No, this relationship had to immediately become the "it" topic.

Well, that's how we hear it.

[A reminder to those of you reading this who have trouble differentiating truth from unsubstantiated rumor: at this point this is
all conjecture. All we are doing is confirming the existence of a rumor that the Mistress tells us is all over Hollywood.] We should also add that this story is a bit of a departure for us. If you are interested in keeping up to date on it and other celebrity gossip, we suggest Defamer.

...I won't let it happen again." - Superman to the President, Superman II (1980).

Been off for a week, loads of eventful, fun, romantic, hot, sexy, hilarious and memorable things happened. To write them down in a blog frankly wouldn't do them justice, so I'll just recap here.

- 'The boy' returned. It was amazing, as usual. He has such great taste in guys... ;) Seriously, I'm pretty damn lucky thus far. He's returning Monday evening...and it can't come fast enough.

- Dean from Wales via Vancouver arrived. He's here one more night, and I imagine we'll be having some drinks this evening. Went to Paramount Canada's Wonderland. Was loads of fun, got a sunburn.

- Pride 2005 is in full swing. I can gladly say that I have YET to walk down to the village. Although unfortunately, today, I shall have to as I have to return movies...and will be going out tonight. Oh well. Haven't ventured into a beer garden or even a bar for that matter. And I will NEVER, EVER watch the parade. I won't get into that, but I have my reasons.

- I think that's about it...been watching Gore Vidal's "Caligula" (1979). Interesting to say the least...although the rumours of loads of it being reshot without the main actors is a little ridiculous, as the main actors can be seen in many of the hardcore scenes...and shooting INSERTS does not constitute a RESHOOT. I hate people who review films who have no fucking clue of the difference between their asshole and a gopher burrow.

One funny story to tell...

...returning from Canada's Wonderland, Dean, E and myself were exhausted. Dean had taken ill during the day from the constant sun exposure - which was INTENSE, although I woulda thought I'd be the first to fall...no such luck. I did, however, get annointed with colouring akin to a freshly cooked lobster. Bleugh.
We get on the bus, decide to sit at the front like the old ladies we are - I swear, we had everyone on the bus beaten by AT LEAST 10 years. These three girls and a guy sit in front of us. The girl's couldn't have been more then 15-16 years old, and the guy claimed through my eavesdropping that he was 18. He was marginally cute - in that Leonardo di Caprio, ill-informed bad-ass kinda way.
At a pitch that rivalled the fading screams as we left the park, these girls began fawning over him, as if he was god himself. They talked to him, asked him questions and managed to always turn the questions around so that they could seem relatable to this older fellow who was playing the aloof part quite well.
The shrill voices began asking his friend, who was in front, if he used Axe spray. He said he did. They asked to borrow it. He gave it to them. And so began the assault on not only my aural senses, but also my olfactory ones.
I turned to E, who was sitting beside me, and rolled my eyes. He did the same. We shared a joke at the idiotic teens' expense.
Then the girl sitting beside this boy asked his name. He said it was STAVROS. She said, "Cool!" And started calling him STARVOS.
I rolled my eyes again.
She asked him what was in his bag (the innuendo lost on her pedestrian mind completely). He said CDs and stuff. She giggled.
Then she saw a photo album. She asked to see it. He said yes.
Immediately, her two other girlfriends, fearing that STARVOS has gone off their feminine charms (see: insipid shreaking), began pummelling him wiht "Can I see that?" repeated ad naseum.
"Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Can I see that? Starvos!?! Can I see THAT?!"
My head was pounding. He handed it to her. She began squealing like a pig that's just been rammed up the ass with the farmer's fist. Starvos. STARVOS!!

The name is S-T-A-V-R-O-S.

STARVOS!!

WEEEEEE!!!

I turned to look at Dean. Asleep. Bastard. I turned to Elvis...pleading for relief.
The girls begin talking about their exams. They go to Central Tech. They ask if he has a girlfriend. They squeal. They shriek. They wail. I die a little bit more with each passing moment.
Annoying teenage chicks are my Kryptonite.

Then we pull into Yorkdale Mall. The first stop. Next is York Mills station, which is our stop. We pull up to the curb. I sense rustling. They stand up. They get off. Stavros too.

You know that feeling when you haven't been able to pee and you finally do...?

The bus starts up again. Thank god. We'll never have to hear that again...

...then the girl behind us starts.

Girl 1 - "Well, that was difficult to sit through."
Girl 2 - "I know."
Girl 1 - "They got off at Yorkdale - they're supposed to get off at York Mills. Is she retarded?!"
Girl 2 - "Totally. And Central Tech doesn't even have exams."
Girl 1 - "What a retard. I hope she gets raped."
Girl 2 - "I know. I'm gonna go home and download that "Rape" song."





I nearly peed myself right then and there with sheer, unabated, uncontrollable insane laughter.

Some teenage chicks are okay.

The boy I mentioned on June 16, 2005...the one I really like...

...is coming back today.






*sigh*

He's so dreamy... ;o)

Hello (Turn Your Radio On)

Woke up this morning and the streets were full of cars
All bright and shiny like they'd just arrived from Mars
And as I stumbled through last night's drunken debris
The paperboy screamed out the headlines in the street
Another war and now the pound is looking weak
And tell me have you heard about the latest freak
We're bingo numbers and our names are obselete
Why do I feel bitter when I should be feeling sweet?

Hello, hello
Turn your radio on
Is there anybody out there
Help me sing my song
A-la-la-life is a strange thing
Just when you think
You've learned how to use it
It's gone

Woke up this morning and my head was in a daze
A brave anew world had dawned upon the human race
But words are meanlingless and everythings surreal
Gonna have to reach my friends to find out how I feel
And if I taste the honey, is it really sweet?
And do I eat it with my hands or with my feet?
And does anybody really listen when I speak?
Or will I have to say it all again next week?

Hello, hello
Turn your radio on
Is there anybody out there
Help me sing my song
Hello, hello
Turn your radio on
Is there anybody out there
Tell me what went wrong
A-la-la-life is a strange thing
Life is a strange thing

Why do douchebags that you were totally into...and were subsequently shot down by...

...come round when you don't want them and/or you've got something else going?

Idiots.

The worst bit is the assumption that you're SUCH a loser that they can just wink the right way, or say the right thing and you'll be all about it again.

FUCK.
YOU.

Appetizer
What's one word or phrase that you use a lot?
Douchebag and all it's variants...douchebaggery, douchtastic, douchalicious, douchasaurus, douche-a-loo, or just douche.

Soup
Name something you always seem to put off until the last minute.
Work that I am not interested in. The tedious bits of my creative endeavours, ie, going through the Excelsiorkings Logo and creating 200 copies, each slightly blurrier than the last to create a windswept exiting effect. Bleugh.

Salad
What was the last great bumper sticker you saw?
Can't think of a good one I've seen recently, to be honest.

Main Course
If you could be invisible for one day, how would you spend your time?
Breaking into a movie set and just watching.

Dessert
Describe your hair.
Dirty blonde, sometimes platinum, thinning on top, annoying cowlicky piece of crap that I only fleetingly like.

I walk to work 95% of the mornings I go to work.

Sometimes I take a taxi because I'm tired, I'm late and/or I'm just lazy.

When I do walk, though, I often place my life in the hands of the hulking steel boxes of douchebaggery that inhabit the concrete canyons of downtown Toronto - mecca of the eternally stupid.

I decided to walk this morning, as the weather was awesome - clouded over, a slight chill in the air and a nice breeze covering all of it.

I'm walking along, feeling good, enjoying the fresh air and exercise. Then I round a corner to the Hospital for Sick Children. I see a Tim Horton's logo. I decide to enter to get an iced capuccino because I'm newly addicted to it's saccharine tainted sweetness and artificial 'coffee flavour.'

I can't find it in the hospital, so I decide to keep walking.

I get to the four way stop, each corner topped with a bright shiny stop sign. I stop, look both ways, and watch as one car already started, enters and exits the intersection. I start walking afterwards, as pedestrians have the right of way, and cars are to enter in a counter-clockwise fashion. I take three steps and a black sports car is bearing down on me, seemingly at 50kph, despite having just started up from the stop sign 20 feet back. The car slams on the brakes. I look at the driver, a youngish girl. She looks at me, exasperated at our 12 nanosecond long exchange of glances. I stare at her, dumbfounded that she was able to get out of bed...(as Lex Luthor once said, "It's amazing that brain can generate enough power to keep those legs moving..."). Then I let it rip.

"BITCH, I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. FUCKING HELL."

I walk past the hood and she starts up again, clearly relieved that she no longer has to deal with these pitiful creatures that surround her daily and clutter up her planet.

I was tempted to give her the finger, but decided against it.

I reach the other side of the cross-walk and look back...


...as she pulls into the doctor's parking lot of the HSC.

I met a boy.

I like him a whole lot...
...but he's gone now.

I miss him...
...but he's coming back.

Now Oprah.com provides CLASSES to her book club members on the books they are reading.



"Oprah Winfrey - Negro Woman Of the South" - Norman Raymond

SECTION 1 ABOUT YOURSELf
+ Known as: Sean
+ Lives in: Downtown Toronto
+ FiRST BREATH: 02/20/1977
+ School: Sheridan College, school of life
+ Hair color: blonde
+ Eye color: blue
+ Style: plaid and jeans - lesbo chique
+ Fears: dying painfully


SECTION 2 HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Cheated on someone? never have, never will
+ Been Cheated on? yes.
+ Fallen off the bed? more often than is safe
+ broken someone`s heart? I think so, yeah.
+ Had your heart broken? way too many times
+ Had a dream come true? yup
+ Done something you regret? as usual, i think everything is a lesson learned
+ Cheated on a test? yeah


SECTION 3 CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing? bjorn again t-shirt, shorts and socks
+ Listening to? match game playing in the living room
+ Located? my room
+ Chatting with? no one
+ Watching? the screen
+ Should REALLY be doing? nuthin' - it's sunday, bitch

SECTION 4 DO YOU...
+ Brush your teeth? of course
+ Like anybody? right now, yes :)
+ Have any piercing? yes
+ Drive? I can, but don't have a car
+ Drink? yes
+ Smoke? Weed, yes
+ Got a pager? no, mobile phone

SECTION 5 FRiENDS...
+ Who is your best? Tim P. and
+ Who do you hate? no one, really
+ Who is the shyest? Elvis
+ Who is the most talkative? Marcos...in a hot and intelligent way, so it's a good thing. :)
+ Who is the cutest? Marcos
+ Who laughs the most? Elvis
+ Who have you known the longest? Amy
+ Who have you known the shortest? Marcos LOL
+ Who do you miss the most? Tim, as we dont' talk as much as we used to
+ Who do you go to with personal problems? Tim or Elvis
+ Do you hang out with the opposite sex? yes, Nicole
+ Do you trust your friends? yes
+ Are you a good friend? i hope so
+ Can you keep a secret? i try

SECTION 6 THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged? Ian
+ Kissed? Ian
+ IMed? Marcos
+ Talked on the phone? Marcos
+ Yelled at? Elvis
+ Fell in love with? None of my friends

SECTION 7 PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? a filmmaker
+ What has been the best day of your life? Hmmm...that's very hard to say.
+ What comes first in your life? friends
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? no, no and yes...in a BIG way. LOL
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? Um...not much
+ How many times have you fallen in love? Not that i know of
+ Love your family? of course
+ Love your friends? of course

SECTION 8 FAVORITE...
+ Movie: Superman: The Movie
+ Song: Knowing Me, Knowing You - ABBA
+ Group: ABBA
+ Store: Bluenotes or Old Navy - I'm a simple chap
+ Relative: can't choose one
+ Sport: Poker, it's on TSN bitch
+ Ice Cream Flavor: vanilla
+ Fruit: Watermelon
+ Candy: Jolly rancher
+ Holiday: halloween
+ Day of the Week: Friday
+ Time of day: night
+ Color: green
+ Name for a Girl: who cares..
+ Name for a Boy: ugh...
+ Quote: "My mother told me, "You'll never amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just...you...wait..."" - Judy Tenuta


SECTION 9 DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? Love it
+ Like to give kisses? Love it
+ Like to walk in the rain? Love it
+ Prefer black or blue pens? Black
+ Like to travel? If I could afford it, certainly
+ Sleep on your side, tummy or back? usually on my side
+ Have a goldfish? nope
+ Ever have the falling dream? Yep
+ Have stuffed animals? Ernie and Roo

SECTION 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
+ Abortion: Pro-Choice
+ Smoking: Don't really like it, but used to smoke myself so I can certainly relate to the addiction
+ Eating Disorders: None
+ Suicide: I'm a big cowardy custard...
+ Summer: Hate it with every fibre of my being
+ Tattoos: Too indecisive and revisionist to permanently do that.
+ Piercings: yeah

SECTION 11 THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue? tongue
+ Single or taken? single
+ MTV or BET? mtv
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? Ugh, neither
+ Sugar or salt? sugar
+ Silver or gold? only silver
+ Chocolate or flowers? Chocolate
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? b&w
+ Stay up late or sleep in? Sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? Both
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? One best bud
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup
+ Spring or Fall? fall.
+ Happy or sad? happy
+ Wonder or amazement? both make for an interesting time
+ McDonald's or Burger King? McD's for their breakfast ONLY!
+ Mexican or Italian food? italian
+ Lights on or off? Depends on my mood.

P.S. Sorry, quiz was started yesterday...finished Monday.

I get up this morning after the roommate didn't come home last night, put on the kettle for coffee and he comes out of his room. He comes in the kitchen and claims ignorance to what happened. He claims that everything was fine in the living room when he and his boyfriend went to bed. I think I'm going to start arguing. I decide not to. I explain to him how I found it. I show him the evidence - the creased ironing board, the chipped iron, the scratches on the floor from the couch and his socks - the most damming evidence, as I certainly wouldn't go in his room and wear his socks for a day to dirty them up enough...

...and he still claims he doesn't know how it happened.

I'm done. I cannot believe he can't see the only logical explanation - he was so drunk he did it and doesn't remember.

I just say, "Well, I guess it must have been someone coming in because you left the door unlocked AGAIN." And walked out of the room.

My roommate SERIOUSLY needs help. I feel like I should forward these blog entries to mutual friends so they know...maybe one one of them cares enough to intervene. I do not.

I'm hungry and need a haircut.

So end the Tales of the Ironing Board...

Well, it's now 8:32 pm. My day's been kind of ruined by this - a stupid thing, I know, but it put me in a bad mood then the person I was going out with tonight cancelled, so whatever.

My roomie hasn't come home yet after claiming he didn't break the ironing board, and also that the last time he used it was Thursday... (!)

I've decided to let this go. He's not come home coz he knows if he leaves for long enough, I'll give up and then he can come back and walk all over me again. So be it. I need a roommate and this apartment, so I'll deal with it.

It's probably better that I don't make a big deal out of it, since he cannot handle criticism of any kind and I truly believe that combined with his alcoholism (which is more rampant than ever if he doesn't remember last night), he has a serious mental issue with socializing. A social retard of sorts. He cannot live without a boyfriend, nor can he live with one who doesn't agree with everything he says - a yesman, of sorts...fine.

In short, it's not worth the effort because it's only an ironing board and I'm worth way more than that...and he's worth way less for not being a man. Fine.

Life sucks sometimes, but no one ever said it wouldn't.

So...I sent my roomie that note, which frankly, I think was rather tame considering I have no ironing board...

...he replies with "How the hell did I break your ironing board?"

*grumble*

Seriously, this guy needs HELP with his drinking.

So I get up this am to find one of the sections of my glorious sectional couch completely askew...

...I also see my ironing board has been bent completely in half...

...finally, I see my roommate has gone to work and not acknowledged either event.

I think he needs some help for his alcoholism.

I'm hoping there's a bright, new, shiny ironing board sitting here when I get home. I doubt this will happen without prodding from me. So I shall prod with the following:

"I don't want to know why the ironing board was bent completely in half. I can just imagine.

I think a note would have been the LEAST you could have done given the circumstances. I guess you just don't give a shit.

I would expect that you replace the ironing board - as in come home with a new one. TONIGHT.

Not very cool."

He's a complete assmunch, but he also needs help. Why do I not want to help him? Why am I content to complain about it?

Appetizer
Name one thing that made you sad this week.
Thinking about how far away next Wednesday is.

Soup
What was the last object (not person) you took a picture of?
Me. How egocentric. Ah, I'll say Marcos, so I don't sound like a douchebag. The infamous light speed nacho.

Salad
Who do you talk to when you need help in making a decision?
Elvis or Tim or my mum and/or dad.

Main Course
If you were a weather event, what would you be, and why?
A blizzard because I'm mean and cold and seemingly unending.

Dessert
Suggest a website that you think your readers would enjoy visiting.
http://www.somethingawful.com

The last person who...

Slept in your bed: Um...some guy from Black Eagle. No sex, though. Odd...
Saw you cry: Can't recall
Made you cry: Can't recall
You went to the movies with: My mum. :)
You went to the mall with: My mum. :)

Have You Ever...

Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yep
Gotten in a fight with your pet: Don't have a pet
Been to California: No
Been to Mexico: No
Been to China: No
Been to Canada: Yes
Been to Europe: Yes
Danced naked: Not that I know of...
Wished you were the opposite sex: No
Do you have a crush on someone: Yes
Book you are reading: Not reading a book at the moment
Worst feeling in the world: Loneliness
What's under your bed: A WHOLE bunch of crap
Location: Work
Piercings/Tattoos: Eyebrow and used to have tongue
Do you drink: Yep
most afraid of: Star Jones
Where do you want to get married: Don't think I want to necessarily - the location would be inconsequential.
Who do you really hate: Nobody
Do u have a job: Yes.
Do you like being around people: Yes.
Have you ever liked someone you have no chance with? Everyone has.
Are you lonely right now? No.
Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Dallas theme...

Have you ever-

Been in love: No.
Played strip poker: No
Gotten beaten up: No
Pulled an all nighter: Yep
Been on radio/tv: Yep
Been in a mosh-pit: No
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: Duh...

In the last 24 Hours have you...

Cried: No
Bought something: No
Gotten sick: No
Sang: Yep
Been kissed: No
Had sex: No...how sad...
Felt stupid: Sure
Talked to an ex: No
Missed someone: No
Hugged someone: No

Today, walking to work, for the 10 minutes I lasted before jumping into a taxi was like...

...swimming in someone else's armpit, but then realizing it's your own.

Why do people like summer? I don't understand it in the slightest.

The most uncomfortable, miserable, depression inducing season of the year...and everyone is balls to tits excited for it.

Fuck them.

And fuck summer.

"Mr. Bond...you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season." Hugo Drax, Moonraker (1979)

I quit smoking back in September- the 28th of September, 2004, to be exact.

I did it for really stupid reasons, but thankfully, I smartened up enough to discover a good and just reason for doing it - to preserve my health.

I was dating a guy back in '09 of '04. A little Asian number, semi-gym rat who had accosted me on the street the night we met and asked to come up to my apartment. I told him no, but I would take his number because frankly no one had ever approached me in such a bold and refreshing manner.

I called him. He came over a week later. We started to make out...and we kiss a few times...and he goes (Nail #1), "I'm really crap at kissing." And I go, "Oh...cool." So we had a 'huggin' grind' make out session that frankly, was beyond sub par and although it eventually got me going...seemed REALLY forced and akward. (Nail #2)

So then he pulls out the willy and starts talking about my size...and not in a "Oh my god it's HUGE" kinda way... (Nail #3). Not that I'm small by any stretch, but who the fuck DOES that... 1) on a first date, and 2) before you've done it with someone.

Then he's all, "Take me into your room and fuck me." And I'm like, "Dude...this is our first date. You approached me on the street. We won't be fucking tonight." (Nail #4). And I do up my pants for some more above-the-clothes-hugging... :x

So he decides the kitchen is as good a venue as any...and he pulls out the todger again. And I'm certainly amused and enjoying it - I'm a man, after all...but he was striking me as more and more odd...

...and I say, "I need a smoke. I'll be right back." So I go out onto the balcony and light up. I finish and return inside.

He gets on top of me again and I kiss him and he's all, "You smell disgusting." (Nail #5...although this one took longer for me to realize...)

Now, I'm all, "Oh sorry." And I was feeling terribly insecure at that point, and this guy really liked me and I stupidly thought - he likes me, I shouldn't be smoking.

So I decided to quit smoking. Fine. I took my last pack, wrote the date on it and placed it in a picture frame - cheesy, I know, but it worked. I also filled out a quit counter on my pc and left it running.

I researched quitting smoking and discovered, through many sources, that nicotine is completely out of your system 24 hours or so after quitting. Also, I learned that withdrawl symptoms...WTs...last for 72 hours, as your body copes without nicotine, but then are ENTIRELY in your thick, empty and cavernous skull.

So I lasted about a week...in the interim, this boy travelled to Montreal, a trip he was quit excited about. Before he left, we spoke on the phone. We shot the shit, talked crap, flirted, the usual...

...and then I asked - "What are you gonna do while you're there?"

...and he replied - (Nail #6) "Sleep with as many men as possible." [pause] [cue nervous laughter to cover up true intention as a joke] [fade to black]

...I was slightly taken aback. I certainly didn't expect a marriage band after a week, nor did I want one. I was fully aware that this guy was odd at this point and that I would ride it out to see what happened. HOWEVER, I am entirely protective of my body and my health so I thought..."Why would he tell me such a thing?" And I also noted that this guy was kind of a whore...kind of...sure.

So he returned and we saw each other again. He was so overjoyed that I'd quit smoking...I was over the moon, too. Then we got into my bedroom and he pulls out todger-tim again, only after an intense round of hugging... :s

...anyway, he pulls it out and then says, (Nails #7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14) "Yunno...I don't give head without a condom."

And I'm all, "Wha-?"

And he goes, "I just feel it's safer that way."

And I was so flabbergasted, I couldn't say anything. I did think however, how insulting it was that he implied I - the virtuous, eternal good boy - was not worthy of lip to weenie contact...under the incorrect assumption that I was a) a whore and/or b) diseased. Neither of which could EVER be used to describe me. Colour me annoyed.

THEN...he says, (Nail #15) "Yes, and I require double condoms for anal."

First of all, when you're in bed with someone - who uses the term 'anal?' - how about 'back there' or 'backdoor' or 'third input' if you're feeling frisky.

"Give me your penis I want some anal." WTF?!?!?

Second: clearly, despite being Asian, he was dumb as a post - a racial generalization I know, but if I don't keep that glorious practice alive, WHO WILL, huh? Seriously - he'd clearly never taken a physics class. Neither have I, but I can tell you while I wasn't in physics class I found out that, even lubricated, two condoms rubbing together will destroy themselves...

...perhaps Krypton is merely shifting it's orbit...

*cough*

Sorry.

Back to my point - two condoms for *ugh*anal*ugh* is the RETARDO move of the century, possibly only being outdone by the night Hitler's mother and father decided to get it on.

So we hugged *yawn* some more and I sent him home, denying him a rubberized ride on the Seanster...I mean really...how fucking insulting.

I called him the next day and basically berated him for his lack of schooling and/or idiotic notions about what was safe. I guess if you go to Montreal every other weekend and fuck everything in site...you need to keep up with the latest techniques.

So that was the end of him.

In that time, however, I realized that not smoking was hot. And that waking up and not coughing up a large phlegm sphere was really hot. And fingers that weren't yellow were way hot. And not running out of breath crossing a room was tres hot.

In short:

Not smoking...that's hot.

---

Sean Gilpin - Free and Healing for Eight Months, Nine Days, 15 Hours
and 7 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 22 Days, by avoiding
the use of 6341 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me
$1,986.26.

---

I just wanna cowboy
To ride me home
I just wanna cowboy
Who's rich and lives in Rome

I just wanna cowboy
With gold plated soap
I just wanna cowboy
Called Jean Paul the Pope

He'll be my main man
I'll be his blue nun
He'll teach me how to kiss the ground
I'll teach him how to duck from a gun

I just wanna cowboy
To whom I can confess....

I just wanna cowboy
In a long, white silky dress!!

Judy Tenuta

What do you write when you
have nothing to say and
Are entirely bored.
When you couldn't care less,
And can't type a word

How long does it take
to be inspired to write
Bit passionate too
To feel somewhat learned
And wanting to spew

Can you force it to come
by pushing and pulling
Like a nun on the rocks
Or even less sickly
That pair of new socks

If the whole earth was perfect
it wouldn't take much
But unfortunately
This shithole is filled up
With cocktards like me

I know what you're saying
and I know what you think
But remember this well
You and your opinions
Can all go to hell

Turrah.

Sean G.
xxoo

1)What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
I don’t have a car, but I do have two “I Brake For Jesus” stickers in it.

2) How/where did your last bf/gf say I love you?
Not happened.

3) What do you hear right now?
Howard Stern interviewing some sports dude.

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
A V8. Which..OH! I am.

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The corner of my mouth – I cut it shaving.

6) If __________ died, you would laugh and spit on their grave.
No one on earth. If I hated someone that much, I wouldn’t waste time going to their grave...it would reveal underlying issues.

7) What's your job position called?
Senior Assistant

8) What size ring do you wear?
I think it’s a 13 – yes, I have manly fingers.

9) Do you own a picture phone?
Nope. I do own a mobile, though.

10) What's your bf/gf's birthday?
I don’t have one...of either.

11) What's your Mom's favorite band/musician?
No idea..prolly Shania Twain

12) What's your Dad's favorite band/musician?
No clue on this one...some Jazz singer.

13) What was your elementary school's mascot?
I didn’t have one that I know of.

14) What's your favorite bottled water?
No preference.

15) What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Hmmm...nothing lined up. Would like to go see Donna Summer at Casinorama when she returns. Bjorn Again at Halloween...dunno.

16) What were you doing at 9 pm last night?
Watching Match Game reruns with Glenny and drinking wine.

17) What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
Water.

18) Do you exercise as much as you should?
Hahaha...ugh.

19) Did you attend your High School prom?
Nope. I was holding the biggest party of all the senior class, so I was prepping that.

20) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
Hmmm...probably not. I’m pretty adamant that a healthy relationship would never stray into that territory. Perhaps if I felt the relationship was the problem (and worth saving), and not the other person individually, I would forgive them and work out the shit.

Thanks to Marcos for this. :)

Last night - bought two pairs of spiffy shorts for $55. Thought it was a semi good deal.

Till next week...

...bathe in my hatred.

rAnDoM:

1. Your given name: Sean
2. A random 'Indian' name you would like to be called: Two-Dogs Fucking
3. What color are your eyes? blue
4. Do your eyes change colors when your mood changes? not that I've noticed
5. Do you like getting mail (via snail-mail)? sure, why not
6. Do you accept yourself the way you are? for the most part
7. Do you talk to yourself? yes, I'm not busy, I'll listen....and I'll never say anything to hurt my feelings
8. Have you ever used a copy machine? Yep - every day.
9. a/s/l? Huh?
10. What do you want to be when you "grow up"? Proud of my life and without regret
11. Do you like our current president? He's not MY president, first of all - but no, he's a douchebag
12. What is your favorite subject in history? Egypt, Greece, Rome...
13. Does world domination appeal to you? Indeed...indeed.
14. Are people afraid of letting others get to know them? Sure...?
15. Is that why we have so few real friends? I think so.
16. Have you ever cried on someones shoulder? Not literally, but figuratively
17. Have you ever had your shoulder cried on? Yes
18. Have you ever played MASH and gotten the perfect life? Um...I have no idea what you're talking about.
19. Who is your role model? I don't really have one...
20. Thoughts on Eminem? Catchy hooks
21. Thoughts on black & white M&M's? WHITE POWER!
22. Do you know your birthstone? Amethyst
23. If you could pick a holiday to be born on, what would it be? Halloween
24. What is your favorite font/color to type in? Tahoma/Black
25. What color best describes you at this moment? peach with a tinge of blue
26. Is/was Marylin Monroe pretty? Sure, whatever...
27. Is beauty everything? No, not at all.
28. Does sugar really make you hyper, or do you just think it does? Yeah, it does - definitely.
29. Is caffeine addictive? Yes.
30. Do you care enough about someone to talk to them about smoking/drugs/drinking (excessively)? Yeah, sure.
31. Assess the validity of this statement; "The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." Invalid fucking entry...
32. What is your favorite book? Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut
33. What is the last book that you read (completely) that changed the way you view yourself or the world? Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
34. How many people do you have on your buddy list right now(if applicable)? 85
35. What is your favorite universal language (ie. hugs, smiles, math...)? grope
36. What is your favorite reading material? Internet
37. What is your favorite drink? English Breakfast tea with no milk right now.
38. What is your favorite smell? Freshly washed clothes.
39. Do you believe in the supernatural (aliens, ghosts...)? A bit, yeah.
40. Do you have any scars? Care to tell us the story (stories)? Left eyebrow, bitten by dog when I was 5 or so, chin - don't remember...left arm, sliced it open on a clothes rack at Eatons (no lie).
41. Where do you go to 'get away from it all'? my room with my big headphones on
42. Do you think Feng Shui works? never has for me.
43. Does the phrase "mind over matter" have any validity? Yes, indeed.
44. What is your favorite quote? "What's up with you guys?" - terrible inside joke...
45. Have you read Shakespeare? Favorite play? Yes, love Bill. Titus Andronicus is my favourite. Movie wasn't half bad, either.
46. What is your favorite nickname (doesn't have to be yours)? Karen....see #44
47. Have you named your unborn children? What are their names? Get bent, assmonkey.
48. Are you materialistic? (Would you cry if your favorite thing got broken?) If it's something I've worked for and love, yeah. but not anything based purely on it's material value.
49. What is something that determines your mood (smells, colors...)? sunny days, rainy days, kinda..not really.
50. Do you believe in magic? Like Paul Daniel's magic? David Copperfield magic? No, not for a second.

EiThEr/Or
1. :-)/:-(: :o)
2. red/blue: blue
3. right/left handed: right
4. watch/no watch: no watch
5. AIM/Y! Messenger: Both
6. Paint/Photoshop: photoshop
7. religious/spiritual: spiritual
8. weird/original: original
9. hug/kiss: hug...and kiss...can't decide.
10. Raiders/49ers: assclowns!
11. snail/e-mail: E
12. PC/laptop: PC
13. 18/21 (which do you consider adulthood, or neither?): Adulthood is not a number
14. hot/cold: cold
15. foggy/muggy: foggy
16. spring/fall: fall
17. abstract/realism (art): abstract
18. classical/rock: rock
19. long/short hair: short, generally.
20. po-tay-to/po-tah-to: tay
21. fancy stationary/binder paper: None.
22. 3 Musketeers/Milky Way: Skor (frozen)
23. paperclips/safety pins: paperclips
24. health/beauty: health
25. diet/regular soda: Diet


wHeN wAs ThE lAsT tImE yOu...
1. ...blew bubbles in milk? last week. LOL
2. ...spoke in pig-latin? never
3. ...made eye contact with someone you like? Saturday night
4. ...felt smart? all the time
5. ...counted your fingers and toes, just to make sure they're still there? Never
6. ...lay under the stars and thought about something not to do with you? Huh?
7. ...thought about your future? not really into planning...
8. ...sprained something? Can't recall.
9. ...told a half-truth or a whole lie? Last night
10. ...had no homework? Um...
11. ...gave someone something that you could not replace? Hmmm...can't think of an answer...
12. ...were nice to someone you don't like? everyday at work.
13. ...agreed with your parents? a week ago
14. ...gave up? Last Friday
15. ...kept trying? All the time
16. ...accepted someone for what they are? always, at least i try to
17. ...gossiped? hmmm...not recently.
18. ...gave someone a hug, just because? Can't remember.
19. ...smiled? This morning
20. ...had hot cocoa? At least a year
21. ...made chocolate chip cookies? 10 years
22. ...found hope in nature? Hmm...need to look at it more often, actually.
23. ...questioned yourself? Once in a while.
24. ...forgot something? yesterday
25. ...had a 'senior moment'? last night hooking up my webcam
26. ...thanked your parents? Last night
27. ...wrote someone a thank you card? I usually tell them
28. ...randomly took a friend something to cheer them up when they were feeling low? a month ago
29. ...missed innocence? rarely
30. ...realized that it's not all about you? More often than I care to recall. ;)

WhAt DoEs ThIs CoLoR rEmInD yOu Of?
1. blue: water
2. red: firs
3. yellow: the sun
4. orange: halloween
5. gray: rain
6. black: night
7. white: this
8. purple: survey
9. tan: fucking
10. green: BLOWS!

DONE! Christ...

SURVEY OF THE DAY...relationships? Yay or Nay?

Most people have had atleast one...this survey is to see what lies under all of your layers of MUSHINESS....you romantic, you! Or ... you playa, you!


Here we go......


Name: Sean

Age: 28

Age you tell the ladies: 28...and the men...28

Are you single? Yessir

If yes (how long) since? A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

What's the biggest secret you have ever kept from a significant other? Okay, so I keep it from a significant other, but you want me to post it in a public blog...

Ever faked an orgasm with a partner? No.

Ever written a poem/song for a partner? Nope.

Favorite romantic movie? On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Are you a cuddly/affectionate person? Yessir

How old were you when you lost your viginity? 17/18

Have you ever been in love? Don't think so, no.

If yes (How many times) If No (why not?)? Um...why not? Not met anyone worthy.

Are you a passionate person? Depends

Would you die for your love? I would imagine so.

Are you good with communication? I believe so.

Are you sensitive? Yeah, I'm a pisces. What can I say?

Are you trusting? I tend to trust someone, until they give me a reason not to....

Do you fall hard and fast OR soft and slow? Hard and fast, unfortunately.

Are you a top or bottom? Versatile, mofo

Are you "loud" in bed? Not particularly - I'm a heavy breather.

Do you listen to music while you "make love"? have done, yes.

Favorite "sex" Cd? don't have one - anything not too distracting.

Do you use "toys"? Not usually, no.

Do you enjoy oral sex? D'uh.

Do you like to receive flowers? Not really, no. Rather have a nice meal.

Best vacation with a partner you've had? never gone on vacation with a partner.

Where do you want to go with that "special someone"? Scotland would be cool.

Favorite place to be kissed? Mouth

Walk on the Beach, Hike on a Mountain, or Picnic in the Valley? Walk on the beach

If you found "the one" would you consider marriage? I honestly don't know. I'd consider a legal agreement, but I dunno if I'd get married - as in a church ceremony.

Do you want to have children one day? Hard to say.

What's the most romantic thing you've done? Can't remember anything. LOL

Best gift you gave an ex? Trust.

Do you give massages? Sometimes.

Give me a pick up line? Your friend told me you thought I was cute.

Do you usually initiate the first kiss? Occasionally.

Do you argue in your relationships? Who doesn't?

Best gift a partner has given to you? Nice dinner out.

Who was the first partner you lived with? Haven't ventured there yet...

How old were you when you first moved out? 18

How long was your longest relationship? just under a year

Have you ever been engaged? No

Who is the one person you wish you never dated? None

Where is your dream place to live with a partner? Scotland

Do you have a tattoo with someone's name? No.

What's your best quality you bring to a relationship? Commitment

What your worst quality you bring to a relationship? Hmmm...I get bored easily.

Are you more like your Mom or Dad in a relationship? I'm kinda split down the middle, actually.

Are your parents divorced? Nope. Best relationship I've ever seen.

Are you happy with your current relationship status? Hmmm...I wouldn't use the word HAPPY, but I'm certainly not lonely.

Favorite Restaurant for a first date? A random pub - I'm not big on expensive meals or people who are impressed by them.

Ever wish on a star, candle, eyelash about a relationship/partner? Uh, no, you homo.

Ever come true? Ugh.

Who do you want to be with right now? 'be with' has so many connotations. LOL I'll reserve my right to privacy with that question. ;)