The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

After repeated attempts on my life, I have been forced to update my blog. Even as I type this, sentence #2, I am already bored, tired and feeling a familiar ache in my hands, not unlike masturbatory carpel tunnel.

For some reason, since my whole roommate drama hit the highest levels of histrionics imaginable, updating this blog has taken the farthest back seat on the bus. You know - the one right beside the shitter.

First of all, the chronological, point form recounting of the roommate saga.

• he announced he was ‘moving near the end of the year’ around November 9-11, 2005:
• he made this announcement at the management office, in writing, but neglected to pay his rent for November (which, to the clever dicks in the audience was already at least 9 days old)
• he wrote it to me in an email, neglecting to give me an exact date

I wrote him back and informed him of a couple thing:

• that he couldn’t give notice on the 11th day of a month
• he had to give his notice at the same time he paid his rent
• he had to give 60 days notice since we’re both on a lease
• he had to sign over his deposit to me since I had no intention leaving

• he agreed to this (so at THAT point, he was moving out Jan 31, 2006)
• here’s what had been agreed to thus far:
• moving out Jan 31, 2006
• paying rent for both December and January, with me reimbursing him (because of the deposit) when the new roommate paid me their deposit (provided he signed the transfer form)
• paying the bill money he owed (2 moths worth at that point)

• he eventually signed the form
• he paid the money for the cable/internet/mobile phone that was owing (the Bell Canada bill remained unpaid)
• the rent money for November eventually appeared on Nov 29, 2005 after two eviction notices
• the rent money for December was nowhere to be seen by Dec 5 or so
• I demanded to know what the status of the rent money and bill money was
• two days later, he writes me back and lets me know (to paraphrase) that he’ll pay the rent, but refuses to pay the bill money since a) there was a monthly $5 savings on the mobile bill that I never applied to his portion (first I’d heard of it) and b) he’d asked to discuss the amount of the bill (he thought it was too much) and I ‘ignored him’
• the $5 savings, which didn’t exist, amounted to a total of $35 dollars, against his bills totaling nearly $400
• if I had ignored him, he simply had to stop using the television/phone/internet and/or mobile phone. He continued to use ALL THREE, even on the day he made this point

At this point, I figuratively snapped and after consulting some people I trust, sent him the following email (I have replaced his name):

Assmunch,

I have a proposal for you.

I will pay the $659 you owe for December's rent. You can pay the $370 for the money owing to Rogers and Bell Canada.

I'll release you from any financial obligation you have to the apartment (including December's rent, which, as I said, I will pay) provided you a) sign the letter I left out for you (the letter basically absolves you from any claim on the aparment, as well as any obligation to it), b) pay the $370 and c) vacate the apartment by December 17, 2005.

We'll both sign the attached document agreeing to the above conditions, as well as stating that I will never pursue you through Small Claims Court for the December rent money, the Rogers and Bell charges incurred between Dec. 1 and the date of your payment, or any other fees/charges rising from Suite #1904 at 100 Wellesley.

The only things you have to be concerned with are the $370, paid in cash on or before Tuesday (cash in my hand, not cash left out) and vacating before Sunday.

I know you're moving to Chris' and you can move in any time, so I feel like this is the best solution for everyone - you can leave and you're not obligated to any money other than the $370 and I can stop having the stress effect my life, my happiness and my relationships.

Once it's all paid and you're out, we're completely squared away. Done.

I really think its for the best.

Please write me back ASAP and let me know. And by ASAP, I mean today.

P.S. If you have already paid the rent for December, I will gladly pay you the difference ($289.00) as long as the other conditions are met.

• basically, I gave him an opportunity to screw me and he jumped at it as I received the fastest email response in history stating that he agreed
• I drafted an agreement with the above conditions (among others) and he signed it
• I went to my office Christmas Party the Friday before his new move out date and when I returned him, he was gone

So ends the saga of the assmunch. When he left, he typically left garbage for me to throw out, including a dresser, two computer speakers, a tacky Wonder Woman picture and two beer bottles.

He also made some interesting choices:

• he took 2 of the four prints he had in the living room
• he took his tarot cards, but left his nice bit of coral
• he took the cappuccino machine, but left all his stylish cappuccino cups (which now belong to Snarfy)
• he made sure to grab his three brass unicorns from atop the door to the balcony, but forgot his two beautiful deck chairs on the balcony
• he left all of his dishes, but took the spice rack (which was filled with my spices)
• he left most of his shoes and his ugly ass jackets
• he left the futon he ‘borrowed’ (see spooged and spittled on with his buck n’ brown toothed walking anal receptical) when he moved in (under the proviso that it would be replaced by one of his own a month or so later), and informed me in a hastily written note that he ‘washed it’

Yum.

Other than that... ...nothing new. Christmas was great, got a video iPod (yes, I rule) among other great and practical gifts (a sewing machine and electric drill). There was absolutely zero family drama (involving me, at least) which was a nice change and frankly, how I’m going to try to go through each Christmas from now on.

M just left which always saddens me, but being a weirdo, I also look forward to all the half-asleep phone calls we share during the week which culminates in his return on Sunday. :D

P.S. Btw, if you got the title of this blog before hitting this link, you're my new best friend. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, indeed.

Categories: Christmas, roommate, alcoholic, apartment, moving, insanity, rant, hate