The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

"Gays booing?!!" ROFL

Couldn't resist another bit of genius...



Jewess Jeans
They're skin tight
They're outta sight
Jewess Jeans

She's got a lifestyle uniquely hers
Europe, Nassau, wholesale furs
She's read every best selling book
She's a gourmet blender cook
She's got that Jewess look!

Jewess Jeans
They're uptight
They're alright
Jewess Jeans

She shops the sales for designer clothes
She's got designer nails and a designer nose
She's an American princess and a disco queen
She's the Jewess in Jewess Jeans
She's the Jewess in Jewess Jeans

Appetizer
Create a new candle scent.
Beer 'n' Bean Dip Medley

Soup
Name one way you show affection to others.
Uh...by being nice to them...?

Salad
What is your favorite writing instrument?
Mechanical pencil

Main Course
If you were given $25 to spend anywhere online, from which site would you buy?
Probably Amazon.ca or Ebay

Dessert
Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
M and I were planning on going as Captain Scarlet and Captain Blue, but that idea has been put on hold.

Categories: Friday_Feast

As some of you reader(s) may recall, I started at University recently, trying to recapture my youth and consume as much beer through funnels as a 29 year old can handle.

I have my first assignment to do (I've already handed in one assignment, but it was a diagnostic essay and didn't count towards my course mark). A how-to paper is now the order of the day, but I am at a total loss as to what to write about. I'm supposed to choose a process that a) I know well, b) has 6-8 steps and c) is interesting to the reader. I have no fucking clue what to write about and although this assignment has no due date (I am attending hippie school after all, as G so aptly described it), I need to get it done before the weekend so I can follow my own personal timeline effectively.

I dabbled with the idea of doing a humourous paper, ie. How to Procastinate Effectively, How to Write a Crappy Paper You Don't Care About, How to Effectively Wipe Your Ass, The Proper Ins and Outs of Acceptable Existence in Seanworld^®. Admittedly, the immediate proximity of Seanworld^® and Seaworld^® illuminates Shamu jibes from about 3 lightyears away. Also, The Proper Ins and Outs of Acceptable Existence in Seanworld^® wouldn't be so much of a How-To paper as a How-Not-To paper.

I also thought of doing a serious paper that chronicled possibly a recipe that I make well, or something I do nicely like sewing slipcovers, but the fact of the matter is, my slipcover triumph was mentioned in my diagnostic essay and I don't want to rely on the standard responses all the time (also, I'd like to appear to be only 99.44% gay, like Ivory).

Bottom line is, I STILL have no idea what to write about and I've been pondering this fucker for nearly 2 weeks. Any suggestions (from idiotic to interesting) would be appreciated.

Just wanted to wish my good buddy Ian a very public Happy Birthday.


Categories: Miscellaneous

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
Probably water...or iced tea.

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
My digital camera, a spindle of DVD-Rs and my Ipod.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
Depends on the situation, but I'd say 7 or 8, unless a 4-5 is required.

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
I have no desire to change the name of any cities.

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
The staggering scale of human stupidity and the fact that most people in 2006 are devoid of common sense stresses me out. Writing, drawing or just getting stoned calms me down.

In an effort to cheer myself up after last night's debacle on the runway, I uploaded two versions of the Dallas theme to YouTube, including the inspired mini-previews that used to open each episode.

The Season 5 finale, which saw Sue Ellen continue to drink voraciously, Pam deciding to divorce Bobby, JR tightening his grip on Ewing Oil and Ray discovering that his cousin Mickey's coma (brought on by an horrific car crash involving himself and Sue Ellen) was actually caused by an assailant seeking revenge on JR for double crossing him...JR and Ray scuffle and Southfork goes up in flames!

The Season 6 premiere - Bobby arrives just in time to see his beloved Southfork engulfed in flames...

(I much prefer the disco-y electronic version of the theme in the second clip)

Booyah! Project Runway Season 3 mercifully came to an end last night and the promised drama did not disappoint. Everything else, however...well, nevermind. On with my thankfully last recap of this horrible season.

"It can be very difficult to prove something like this." - Tim Gunn

Episode 14 opened with 1.5 days until the runway show. The drama from the 'cliffhanger' of episode 13 was still in full swing with Jeffrey dramatically walking out onto the balcony and the other designers discussing the situation. Suddenly Uli seemed to have changed her tune, but Laura reminded her that it's like an athelete on steroids. While I agree with this assessment, I do think that it's clear he HASN'T been on steroids thus far, so is it really a fair comparison?
Laura and Jeffrey had a mini confrontation with Jeff telling her his real problem was her questioning his integrity - seems to contradict his "You dumb bitch, I don't care what you think" reaction we were shown at the end of the last episode. Then Jeffrey received a call from The Gunn asking him to call the pleating company and get missing receipts from them. Jeffrey became worried he wouldn't be able to get the receipt. HUH!? Ugh. Oh how I loathe this tatooed monkey-fuck.

With 1 day until the runway show, the designers returned to the workroom. Immediately upon arrival, Jeffrey stepped out on the 'drama balcony' and called The Gunn, asking for an audience. After leaving his voicemail, Jeff began making a skirt in case his receipt for his 'bubble shorts' didn't show up in time.
A while later, the Gunn himself showed up and gathered everyone around, as per his normal routine. Without wasting any time, he announced that after a thorough investigation, The Gunn was confident that Jeffrey did his work himself. This, of course, led to the faggoty crying display we were subjected to in the trailer for Episode 14. Yawn. As if we didn't know this would happen. Both Laura and Michael sat looking rather pole-faced, but the "Awww...FUCK!" was just boiling beneath the surface. Had I not been watching this episode while 'working,' I would have verbalized it for them.


Oh, but it gets better! The Gunn, looking more stern and pinched than usual, announced that Jeffrey didn't have a receipt for his bubble shorts' pleating so they'd need to be excised from his collection. He went on to say that everyone was within their $8000 budget, save for Jeffrey who was over by $200.95. Much like Changing Rooms, this flagrant abuse of the rules was shrugged off with a Carol Smiley smile and a pat on the ass. FUCK RIGHT OFF. Jeff would have to remove 'something' from his collection (we're only ASSuming it's something worth $200.95, but that's never made clear...The Gunn just says SOMETHING has to go). Conveniently for Jeff, he had outfits to spare. ARGH!
Of course, once cleared, Jeffrey's asshole meter went into the deep, menstrual red as he claimed Laura's insecurity and inexperience led to the accusation. He's right...her inexperience coupled with the fact that only 5 year old Gautamalans can sew that well in that amount of time.
With only an hour left in their final day before Bryant Park, The Gunn made a SECOND (that's right, kids) appearance and gathered everyone around like squirrels attending to a large nut.


The Gunn began to get emotional (see: raised an eyebrow) about how proud he was of everyone and that all the designers were winners. A group hug ensued, but I wasn't sure of the outcome as I viewed it from over the rim of a barf bag firmly planted against my face.


The day of the runway show arrived and the designers were all up just after 4am. They headed to the tents and were awed by the situation. After a short interlude, they headed backstage and began prepping their collections for showing.


As the Klum made her entrance on the runway, we knew it was time for the show to begin. The judges were introduced first - The Kors, The Garcia and their special guest judge Fern Mallis, who is apparently the creator of Olympus Fashion week.


Jeffrey was up first and took his collection intro time to introduce his loathesome clan of sycophants: his mohawked wench, his wailing devil spawn and the woman who belched him onto to the earth in a pool of afterbirth, heroin residue and Heineken bubbles. Oh...and his father who looked like the term 'pussy-whipped' was tatooed onto his ass by God himself upon creation.

In no particular order...

Up next was Uli, who had a nice heartfelt speech about coming to the States and her dream of showing at Fashion week. She thanked her parents and scurried backstage as her presentation began...


Laura's was third:


And lastly, we have Michael.

Back in the runway room, the judges commented on the show. The designers were then brought in and reminded of the prizes at stake. As per every other episode, the models were then trucked out. The judges then turned their attention to the particular collections, beginning with Laura. All the judges agreed that Laura's collection looked more like it cost $30,000 compared to the real figure of $8000. The Kors was most impressed with her beading but was disappointed the collection wasn't more surprising. The Garcia twisted the knife and called attention to the fact that this 'sameness' was their only complaint about Laura's designs going into Fashion Week. The Fern disagreed with The Garcia and said the focus made the collection more wearable.
Michael was then targeted with The Fern cutting to the chase, saying she wished the big reaction his entrance got would have matched up with the quality of the collection (I seriously have to agree - his collection was a whole load of WT-fucking-F'ery!). Turning up the volume too high was the problem The Kors had with the collection while The Garcia pointed out that Michael did at least show a range.
Jeffrey then went into his over-used rap about ghost stories and demons....yawn. The Fern was impressed, saying he had a lot of ideas. The Kors was also impressed by Jeffrey's ability to show his 'woman' at every stage of her life. The Klum then hit her gavel aggresively and said that part of the challenge was to follow the budget...which Jeffrey didn't do. He did however, remove the wigs which put him $400 under...those be some damn expensive wigs, y'all.
Uli was the last one to be tortured and The Garcia started immediately complimenting her on the wearability of the entire collection. The Klum agreed. The connective thread was The Kors' problem with the collection. He described it as 'disjointed' and storyless.
With that, the designers were sent off while the judges deliberated. Afterwards, the designers were brought back in and heard the usual bullshit about how hard their decision was. The first person eliminated was Michael. The Klum told him he needed "time to mature." I would tend to agree with that.


The next person to go was Laura whose collection The Klum described as "exquisitely crafted" but at the same time "too limited." Bummer. :(


That left Uli, Jeffrey and a sneaking suspicion that the ultimate F.U. to yours truly was about to occur. The suspicion didn't last long as The Klum reached through my TV and punched me in the groin, announcing Jeffrey Sebelia as the winner. Uli was a good sport about it and said that "things happen for a reason." If the reason is THE APOCALYPSE, then I would tend to agree.