The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

Movin' on up...

2008-05-07T11:37:00.001-04:00

...to a semi-detached, somewhat-deluxe apartment in the sky...

This blog is moving to Wordpress. I'll keep this one open, but please update your links.

Question to the Reader(s) of this blog...

2008-05-07T10:08:00.002-04:00

Hi all,

I'm kind of disappointed with the lack of versatility of Blogger. I really want the ability to make certain entries private or password protected. Is Livejournal better? Help me!

I have some stuff I'd like to write about but that I don't want published on the vast interwebs for any Trekkies with red pubic hair to peruse with their one free hand...

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tuesday Friday Feast #189

2008-05-06T10:37:00.002-04:00

Appetizer
What was your favorite cartoon when you were a child?
I enjoyed Battle of the Planets, but was more into Jem and the Holograms. FAG.

Soup
Pretend you are about to get a new pet. Which animal would you pick, and what would you name it?
I want a dog named Gozer.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy getting all dressed up for a special occasion?
8.5

Main Course
What kind of music do you listen to while you drive?
James Bond stuff.

Dessert
When was the last time you bought a clock? And in which room did you put it?
I bought a clock when I first moved into my new place and put it in the living room.

Categories: Friday_Feast

As if you needed a reason...

2008-05-01T14:13:00.002-04:00

...to completely ignore the new big screen version of the anime classic, "Speed Racer," a more conclusive and immediate reason arises...

Categories: Miscellaneous

The Return of the Gremlins

2008-05-01T13:30:00.002-04:00

If you ever wondered what happened to those scaley, lizard-lookin' things that you accidentally fed after midnight...they're in England, terrorizing BT customers. Check out this sweet ad.

Categories: video

The Phantom Zone - May 1, 2008

2008-05-01T08:04:00.004-04:00

After a lovely trip to the zoo with J yesterday, I decided to banish a few more bloggers to an eternal living death in the Phantom Zone...

Romach is bound.
Dead Robot is a Bully.
A birthday was celebrated by Gooster...Happy B-Day! :)
Defying Despondency was caught.
A length bit of passiveaggressive.com(ness).
PS3Fanboy has a couple interesting entries about Burnout Paradise and
the Playstation Store.
ONTD updates us on a Dusty Springfield biopic (excited!),
Japanese Star Wars ads, and
Disney and Kathy Griffin falling out...
Finally, a review of one of my favourite eateries, Island Foods.

Categories: The_Phantom_Zone

Some PS3 games I'm dying to get...

2008-04-28T12:40:00.004-04:00

Grand Theft Auto IV - who isn't dying for this shit, huh?

Aliens - Colonial Marines Crazy shit!!

Ghostbusters (just heard about this today - JEEBUS!!!)

Categories: PS3

Friday Feast #188

2008-04-25T09:23:00.002-04:00

Appetizer
Name something you would categorize as weird.
Drinking coffee in the shower ;)

Soup
What color was the last piece of food you ate?
brown with off-white liquid (all bran and soy milk)

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy being alone?
Probably hovering around a 6, but I intend to get it higher.

Main Course
Fill in the blank: I will _________ vote for ___________ in _______.
I will not vote for an American in 2008.

Dessert
Describe your sleeping habits.
Erratic. I sleep on my side with my arms crossed or clutching a pillow. I need 7.5 hours or I'm unbearable (mentally).

Categories: Friday_Feast

A to Z

2008-04-24T12:52:00.002-04:00

A - ADVOCATE FOR: Shellfish rights

B - BEST FEATURE: My eyes, legs...?

C - COULD DO WITHOUT: Self image issues, egoistic thinking

D - DREAMS & DESIRES: To have a job that enriches me spiritually, creative and financially

E - ESSENTIAL ITEMS: Blackberry, comfy shoes

F - FAVORITE PAST TIME: Relaxing, reading, playing PS3, chilling with friends

G - GOOD AT: Cooking, artistic endeavors, computer stuff

H - HAVE NEVER TRIED: Skydiving, scuba diving, diving with sharks

I - IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS: Pay off debt, buy a house

J - JUNKIE FOR: Useless trivia, film stuff

K - KINDRED SPIRIT: Not sure that I know myself well enough to pick someone who I feel is kin to me

L - LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I have severe anxiety attacks over non-existent issues, situations, circumstances

M - MEMORABLE MOMENT: Realizing that I hadn't lost any of my artistic abilities about a month ago...

N - NEVER AGAIN WILL I: Be a prisoner of egocentric, destructive thoughts

O - OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE: Pizza. :s Lame, I know.

Q - QUOTE: "Only you can make yourself happy"

R - REASON TO SMILE: Life is good.

S - SORRY ABOUT: hurting people, consciously or unconsciously

T - TAG SOME FRIENDS: Uh...I dunno. I tagged them in a meme less than 24 hours ago...I should stop. lol :)

U - UNINTERESTED IN: External gratification.

V - VERY SCARED OF: Not much...guns?!

W - WORST HABIT: Procrastination and I'm my own worst enemy at times.

X - X MARKS MY IDEAL VACATION SPOT: Scotland, Europe, Africa, the Far East

Y - YUMMIEST DESSERT: Frozen Yogurt...anything without fruit.

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius/Pisces

Categories: Miscellaneous

The Phantom Zone - April 24, 2008

2008-04-24T10:32:00.006-04:00

I've decided to start posting some of the entries I find interesting that appear on the many blogs I read regularly. And by many, I mean millions and by read, I mean skim quite superficially. Nice pictures will always get my vote! ;)

Anyway...here we go...

Banished to The Phantom Zone this week:

Romach poses an interesting question
Dead Robot recounts a horrible experience
Re-Imagineering is still relaying the It's a Small World Saga
(I, for the record, am genuinely interested)
my new plaid pants gives us another installment of Thursdays Ways Not to Die
CityTV offers a new method for repelling teenage vagrants
Wil Wheaton's garden is overrun.
PS3 Fanboy makes my favourite game even better...
passiveaggressivenotes.com gives us an honest reply
Torontoist turns a sympathetic eye to an abandoned house
(that is actually right down the street from my apt building)

Categories: ThePhantomZone

...

2008-04-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

Check out this article.

I am utterly speechless.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards #42

2008-04-24T09:54:00.002-04:00

My good buddy Tyler and I made our first pilgrimage of 2008 to the mecca of all things quasi-heterosexual, Crappy Tire, last night. I was just a wingman, really having no purpose other than to keep Tyler company which I was quite happy to do. We met up as soon as Tyler got home from work and headed out.
Tyler's goal was to buy some paint that was going off sale this Friday. We painted his kitchen and parts of his living room last summer, but he was looking to redo the living room. Anyway, anyway, anyway...we get to Crappy Tire and head to the paint department. While waiting for the CT employee at the counter to finish with a sweet old lady, who was the spitting image of the old lady trying to get insurance in The Incredibles, this skankalicious woman with a South African accent comes up and says hi to us. Tyler, of course, begins a dialogue with her as I sink further and further into any other aisle within fleeing distance. Before I disappeared altogether though, I heard her actually say (brace yourself)...

"I'm a woman - what do I know about painting??"

I was milliseconds away from retorting...

"You complete and utter inability to put pigment on a flat surface has very little to do with your dried up, prune-like, aged va-jay-jay," but I managed to resist.

This is a pretty broad (no pun intended), wide-ranging tip:

Tips for Retards #42

"Whether you're a woman, a man or anything in between...don't be a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Full stop."

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Best Photo I've Seen Today

2008-04-24T07:44:00.004-04:00

Categories: Best_Photo_I've_Seen_Today

Meme

2008-04-23T08:48:00.003-04:00

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

In 1998, I was working at Sam the Record Man, I believe. I honestly can’t remember the specifics. Prolly living in a shithole at Dufferin and Eglinton, overrun with roaches and smelly neighbours.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today:

1. ~~Shower~~
2. ~~Shave~~
3. Laundry
4. ~~Watch last night’s Hell’s Kitchen~~
5. Chill with Tyler tonight

3) Snacks I enjoy:

Tortilla’s with black bean and corn salsa, frozen yogurt

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

1. Buy myself and a couple friends permanent residences
2. I would travel around the world
3. Allow my parents to retire
4. Return to university for shits and giggles
5. Pay off someone's student loans...you know who you are. :)

5) Five of my bad habits:

1. I overanalyze
2. I worry about non-existent, usually non-logical events that will never happen
3. Bad with money
4. Procrastinating
5. No attention span

6) 5 places I have lived:

1. Sudbury, ON
2. Chelmsford, ON
3. Toronto, ON
4. Oakville, ON
5. Hamilton, ON

…wow…boring

7) 5 jobs I have had:

1. Cash manager in retail
2. In-bound call centre at a publisher
3. Office manager
4. Sandwich artist (heehee!)
5. Hospital grunt

8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

1. Ian
2. Romach
3. Dead Robot
4. Mark
5. Eiain

Categories: TAG

DHAHAHAAAA!!!

2008-04-23T07:59:00.003-04:00

Oh man...as people may or may not know, I listen to Howard Stern on Sirius satellite radio religiously. Today, during one of the many entertaining conversational sections of the show, Howard commented on a cupcake that sidekick Artie Lange was eating - the thing had about 1500 calories jammed into it and Artie eats them like they're going out of style. Anyway, anyway, anyway...in the midst of the conversation they played one of the many song parodies that people from all over the world send in...and this one made me squeal with glee (coz I love the original song) and then nearly pee my pants at the cleverness of the rejigged lyrics. By the time the second chorus came up, the entire studio was singing along... LOL

Artie Loves Pancakes (sung to Bonnie Tyler's "Heartache")

Artie loves pancakes
He'll wash them down with chocolate shakes
He's gaining so much god damn weight
Coz Artie loves pancakes

He's gonna be on "Entourage"
But his ass is the size of a garage
He's gonna lose that job
He can't wipe his ass on the bowl
Coz all those pancakes block his asshole
What a fat slob

Artie loves pancakes
He'll wash them down with chocolate shakes
He's gaining so much god damn weight
Coz Artie loves pancakes

(repeat)

Best bit: Immediately upon the song fading out, Artie piped up, "Lisa, can you get me a fork?"

Categories: Miscellaneous

Can you name them...?

2008-04-22T12:32:00.003-04:00

Hmmm...didn't do as well as I thought I would...

1 ?
2 a xenomporh from the Alien series
3 from centipede?
4 the Predator from Predator
5 the Sesame Street aliens, "Yup, yup, yup!"
6 Marvin the Martian
7 bug alien from Starship Troopers
8 Krang from the Simpsons
9 The Silver Surfer
10 A Vogon from THGTTG
11 ?
12 The Thing?
13 A tribble
14 ?
15 ?
16 ?
17 Galactus from Silver Surfer
18 E.T.
19 The first alien from Close Encounters
20 ?
21 galaxian or galaga alien
22 space invaders alien
23 The alien in the tank from Dune?
24 ?
25 Klaatu
26 Nibbler from Futurama
27 The Great Gazoo
28 Mr. Spock
29 ?
30 ?
31 Alien from War of the Worlds (remake)
32 ?
33 An Andorian
34 ?
35 ?
36 ..or is this the Predator?
37 Martian from Mars Attacks
38 Mork
39 Beldar Conehead
40 ?
41 ?
42 ?
43 ?
44 ?
45 ?
46 Dr. John Zoidberg from Futurama
47 ALF
48 Admiral Ackbar
49 Greedo
50 ?

Categories: TAG

Friday Feast #187

2008-04-21T08:35:00.002-04:00

Appetizer
Name a color you find soothing.
Uh...Dusty Rose...?

Soup
Using 20 or less words, describe your first driving experience.
Horrific, standard car, stuck on hill...mum screaming. FUN TIMES!!

Salad
What material is your favorite item of clothing made out of?
Cotton.

Main Course
Who is a great singer or musician who, if they were to come to your town for a concert, you would spend the night outside waiting for tickets to see?
At this point in time? No one.

Dessert
What is the most frequent letter of the alphabet in your whole name (first, middle, maiden, last, etc.)?
3-way tie...

N - 3
R - 3
A - 3

Categories: Friday_Feast

Ethel Merman and The Muppets

2008-04-04T06:57:00.001-04:00

I know, super gay of me to post this, but it's fantastic....especially Miss Piggy's bit. Too funny.

She's a papillion...

2008-04-03T22:39:00.005-04:00

My bud Mark over at Mark's Rants and Raves recently posted a striking photo of two butterflies. I found it quite inspiring and decided to make it my innaugural painting of my new watercolour set. I'm quite pleased with the result...

Untitled, watercolour on cold press paper, 9" x 12"

I took a little artistic license for composition purposes, but it's fairly faithful to the original. You can view a much larger version of it on my flickr account

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #185

2008-03-28T08:56:00.002-04:00

Appetizer
What does the color dark green make you think of?
A forest...?

Soup
How many cousins do you have?
Five

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how honest are you?
With certain people, a definite 10. Others, prolly around a 6.

Main Course
Name something that is truly free.
I'll tell you what's NOT free...freedom.

Dessert
Using the letters in the word SPRING, write a sentence.
Sean pulls rants if nobody gushes.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Rick Astley's Never Gonna...

2008-03-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #184

2008-03-24T13:13:00.003-04:00

Appetizer
Given the choice, would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?

If I had a car, the country for sure.

Soup
Who is the cutest kid you know?

Me.

Salad
Fill in the blank: I couldn’t believe it when I heard ___________.

I couldn't believe it when I heard that that shit really isn't butter.

Main Course
If you could star in a commercial for one of your favorite products, which one would you want to advertise?

Preparation H.

Dessert
What type(s) of vitamins and/or supplements do you take on a regular basis?

Some multivitamin thing, but I wouldn't call my taking of it 'regular' in any way.

Categories: Friday_Feast

To Whom It Concerns

2008-03-24T13:08:00.002-04:00

Was watching this episode of Roseanne, Season 3, with J a couple weeks back and forgot how good Darlene's recital poem was. No hidden meanings here, I just really love this piece.

To Whom It Concerns

To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late,
it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate...
To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this,
and I'm just a kid, so how can I fight this...
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
maybe I'll get lucky: solitary confinement...
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball,
but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall...
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen...
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel,
when I get blindsided my pain is quite real...
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns...
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...

This should be credited to Joss Whedon, who wrote the episode "Brain-Dead Poets Society" in which it appears.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #41

2008-03-14T11:19:00.003-04:00

This conversation took place as I was ordering a sub at an unnamed sub chain location - the name rhymes with Blister Flub.

UNDERPAID WORKER - "Would you like cheese, lettuce, tomato with that?"
SEAN - "Just lettuce, please."
UW - "Lettuce and cheese?"
S - "Just lettuce, please."
UW - "No cheese on that?"
S - "Lettuce."

Tips for Retards - Tip #41

If you offer someone three alternatives and they reply, choosing one of those alternatives, your conversation is OVER.

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Friday Feast #183

2008-03-14T08:40:00.001-04:00

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 as highest), how much do you like your own handwriting?
9

Soup
Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers

Salad
What was the last bad movie you watched?
Cloverfield

Main Course
Name something you are addicted to and describe how it affects your life.
Sleep. It doesn't really affect my life.

Dessert
Which instrument is your favorite to listen to?
A well placed synthesizer.

Categories: TAG

The Incredible Hulk

2008-03-13T08:40:00.002-04:00

Holy shnikies!

Check out the Incredible Hulk trailer...

...notice any familiar sights?

SWEET.

Hot Tranny Mess

2008-03-13T08:35:00.001-04:00

'nuff said.

Categories: TAG

Best Photo I've Seen Today

2008-03-11T10:40:00.004-04:00

Sexy...

Categories: Best_Photo_I've_Seen_Today

A thought...

2008-03-11T10:23:00.002-04:00

This is something I wrote a while ago and subsequently deleted. I've been feeling uncharacteristically good in the last few days and wanted to put it back up. Partially because it's 100% true and partially because I want it out there in the universe...

Life really does give you exactly what you're looking for when you stop looking. As cliche as that sounds (and undeniably IS)...it's so true. And when you think you've got things figured out, it has ways to remind you that you aren't in control; you have to decide whether or not to get into the car, but you're not getting in the driver's seat. It is also a great comfort that after years of shitty road trips with scenery that only seems appealing on the surface, the driver will eventually (god willing) drop you off somewhere truly unexpected and wholly satisfying beyond any measure you imagined possible.

Have a good one.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #182

2008-03-07T08:36:00.003-05:00

Appetizer

If you could be any current celebrity for one whole week, who would you want to be?

I don't think I'd want to be anyone. Ok...maybe George Takei. Heehee!

Soup

On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how much do you enjoy talking on the phone?

Depends who it's with. Probably a 6. It's a necessary evil, I feel.

Salad

Name a charitable organization to which you have donated (or would like to).

Cancer Society

Main Course

What is a food you like so much you could eat it every single day for a month?

My lasagna

Dessert

Have you or anyone in your family had the flu this year?

Nope and nope.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Feast #180

2008-03-03T13:48:00.003-05:00

Appetizer
Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone? If so, what did you do and who was your victim?
Not that I can recall.

Soup
What do your salt and pepper shakers look like?

Salad
Where is the next place you plan to visit (on vacation or business)?
Hmmm...haven't thought about it. Possibly Algonquin Park, NYC, Sudbury...*blech*

Main Course
What kind of lotion or cream do you use to keep your hands from getting too dry?
Glysomed

Dessert
Make up a dessert, tell us its ingredients, and give it a name.
Fuck off, deck.

Categories: TAG

Friday Feast #181

2008-03-03T13:46:00.002-05:00

Appetizer
Who was the last person you hugged?
Josh

Soup
Share a beauty or grooming trick or tip with us.
Everyone needs a blackhead remover.

Salad
What does the color yellow make you think of?
Urine.

Main Course
If you were to make your living as a photographer, what subject would your pictures revolve around?
Mud puddles

Dessert
What was the longest book you ever read?
Probably Steven King's IT...maybe a Ludlum epic.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Emily Perry, R.I.P.

2008-03-03T13:41:00.003-05:00

This past week has been crazy for me - some of it amazingly good, some of it heart-breakingly bad. One bit of news I was unaware of was the passing of Emily Perry, better known as Dame Edna Everidge's foil, the long-suffering Madge. Barry Humphries, Dame Edna's alter-ego, wrote a beautiful piece for the The Sunday Times about his long relationship with the aged performer.

Possums, the Madge I knew was a darling with an eye for young men
Emily Perry, the silent foil to Dame Edna Everage, died last week at 101. Barry Humphries reveals her hidden other life

She never even cracked so much as a smile, no matter how hard I tried to make her laugh. “Don’t you even feel a bit like laughing?” I once asked Emily Perry after she’d been playing Madge, loyal friend and former bridesmaid of my character Dame Edna Everage, for several years. “Oh no, dear,” she replied. “I always think of something else.”

When I first met Emily, who died last week aged 101, I realised at once that she was a star. I had decided to create the character Madge Allsop for a Dame Edna series. She would be like Ed McMahon from the Johnny Carson show on America’s NBC channel – the figure at the end of the couch. The trouble was: I didn’t quite know what sort of figure I was looking for.

The first actress who played her was good but camp. Then I saw Emily. She had no idea who I was and had never heard of Dame Edna. But I spotted straight away that she could be very good at doing nothing. Not many people can manage that.

Emily was already 75. In a sense, her career was over. She’d had a little ballet school in Crystal Palace, south London, and had done a lot of theatre in the 1930s and during the war. It seemed she’d always been the bridesmaid, never the blushing bride. But she was perfect as Madge: she never once answered back, or said anything, and she made Dame Edna seem a lot more unpleasant. Come to think of it, there was one occasion when I did make Madge say something. It brought the house down. I only wish I could remember what it was.

The last thing she ever did with me was a couple of years ago, when Edna burst in and found Madge sharing a bed with the rock star Ozzy Osbourne. Emily had no idea who Ozzy was.

She retained a kind of innocence and the audience was always on Madge’s side. In fact, she became hugely popular. Even I, a hard-bitten old comic, got a bit tired of people asking: “How’s Madge?”

Perhaps Madge’s finest hour was the time I got Vivienne Westwood to design her a dress. Usually Emily appeared in the same moth-coloured clothing, looking very pale and drab. But when she came down the staircase in Vivienne’s dress, the audience rose to their feet.

Emily was well read, amusing and good company. We spent a lot of time together, travelling round the world, and I was devoted to her. She had interesting reminiscences about prewar comedies and entertaining troops with ENSA, the wartime entertainment service. She also had an eye for young, sun-tanned men.

When we flew to Los Angeles I was worried about how she would react to such an alien landscape. Then I spotted her by the pool in a pink bathing-suit, holding a glass full of cocktail umbrellas and reading the autobiography of Errol Flynn.

In later years Emily ended up in a horrible nursing home in south London. I visited her once and found her sitting in a line with demented old ladies, watching the television with the sound turned off. I leant over to give her a kiss and she said: “I’m in hell, Barry, hell.”

Eventually I found a place for her at a home for retired theatrical people, where old chorus girls sat around with their hair and make-up done, while old chaps lounged about in houndstooth jackets and cravats. Emily was in the Frankie Vaughan suite. By then her memory was going. The last thing she said to me was: “Darling Barry, we had such wonderful times. If only I could remember them.”

Barry Humphries

Categories: RIP

Orko Starfux

2008-02-28T10:31:00.003-05:00

Since I've been writing about my cat Orko on this blog for a long time, I just wanted to create an entry to mark the incredibly sad news of Orko's passing. Although he is still alive, I have to head to my vet at 6pm tonight to have the little guy put down...Orko has been ill, on and off, since I got him and this past week, the recurring illness finally got the better of him. After an examination and an ultrasound, it turns out that Orko has kidney stones in both kidneys and they are barely functioning. The options are an expensive surgery which will likely only stave off the inevitable coz of the little guy's young age, or to mercifully put him out of his misery. My heart is broken in two and I feel like I'm losing my best friend, but I know he'll be happier and in less discomfort if I make the decision that has to be made. It will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but J will be by my side when it happens, so I know I'll be strong.

RIP
Orko Starfux
May 1, 2005 - February 28, 2008

You were my world for a short time, but I'll treasure all of the incredible moments were shared together. I love you, Orko. Peace.

Quantum of Solace Teaser Poster

2008-02-08T08:35:00.000-05:00

Categories: James_Bond

Haiku Movie Review™ - CLOVERFIELD

2008-01-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

Stupid, trendy gits

Run about, do stupid things
My money back, please

Categories: Haiku_Movie_Reviews

Bond 22 Title Revealed

2008-01-25T08:11:00.001-05:00

The official title of the 22nd official James Bond film was announced yesterday...

QUANTUM OF SOLACE

The title is derived from one of Ian Fleming's short stories, which I think is great. I'm sure a lot of people are gonna be all, "Huh?" when they hear it, but I think it rules.

Article here.

Here is a short synopsis of Fleming's original short story from Wikipedia.

"Quantum of Solace"

"Quantum of Solace" is not a spy story and Bond appears only in the background. Told in the style of W Somerset Maugham, the tale has Bond attending a boring dinner party at the Government House in Nassau with a group of socialites he can't stand.

Bond makes a remark after dinner when the other guests have left in order to stimulate conversation, about always having thought it would be nice to marry an air hostess. This solicits a careful reply from the elderly Governor of The Bahamas who tells 007 a sad tale about a relationship between a former civil servant he calls Philip Masters, stationed in Bermuda, and air hostess Rhoda Llewellyn. After meeting aboard a flight to London the two eventually married but after a time Rhoda became unhappy with her life as a housewife. She then began a long open affair with the eldest son of a rich Bermudan family. As a result Masters' work deteriorated and he suffered a nervous breakdown. After recovering he was given a break from Bermuda by the governor and sent on an assignment to Washington to negotiate fishing rights with the US. At the same time the governor's wife had a talk with Rhoda just as her affair ended. Masters returned a few months later and decided to end his marriage, although he and Rhoda continued to appear as a happy couple in public. Masters returned alone to the UK, leaving a penniless Rhoda stranded in Bermuda, an act which he'd been incapable of carrying out merely months earlier. But Masters never recovered emotionally, his vital spark never relit. The governor goes on to tell Bond how after a time Rhoda married a rich Canadian and seems to be happy. When Bond remarks that she hardly deserved her good fortune, the governor says that Masters had always been rather weak, and that perhaps Fate chose Rhoda as its instrument to teach him a lesson. Bond deduces that the dinner companions whom he found so boring were Rhoda and her new husband, and he tells the governer she was much more interesting than he had thought.

While the story does not include action elements, as other Fleming tales do, it attempts to posit that Bond's adventures pale in comparison with real life drama. Bond reflects that the lives of the people he passes somewhat superficial judgments upon can in fact hide poignant episodes.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #177

2008-01-25T08:08:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
How many times per day do you usually laugh?
On a work day, not much. A weekend, depending on who I'm hanging with, could be quite a lot.

Soup
What do your sunglasses look like?
I used to have a great pair of mirrored aviators but have since lost them. I'm currently sunglass free and seeking...

Salad
You win a free trip to anywhere on your continent, but you have to travel by train. Where do you go?
Whistler, BC.

Main Course
Name one thing you consider a great quality about living in your town/city.
The closeness of everything and the ability to get to the farther places relatively easily.

Dessert
If the sky could be another color, what color do you think would look best?
A nice pale yellow...?

Categories: Friday_Feast

Someecards.com

2008-01-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

So funny...

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #176

2008-01-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
Hmmmm...probably water.

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
My blackberry, my Stiletto and a pack of ginger drink mix.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
Probably about an 8. Depends on the circumstance, though.

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
I would officially change the name of Sudbury to Shitsville, USA...even though it's in Canada.

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Annoying people stress me out. Getting away from annoying people calms me down.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Kalayaan's Newest Release

2008-01-16T08:45:00.000-05:00

Came across this on Mark's Rants and Raves, who had previously come across this via This Boy Elroy to generate an Album, group name and song...

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2.http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Here's mine...

Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #175

2008-01-11T08:47:00.001-05:00

Appetizer
What is your middle name? Would you change any of your names if you could? If so, what would you like to be called?
Cameron Arthur. I wouldn't ever, ever, ever change it. I's loves it, I's do!

Soup
If you were a fashion designer, which fabrics, colors, and styles would you probably use the most?
Christ...another brilliant FF question...
Lots of silks and organza...fuck off.

Salad
What is your least favorite chore, and why?
Probably cleaning the bathroom, especially the bath because it's a total pain in the ass.

Main Course
What is something that really frightens you, and can you trace it back to an event in your life?
Crowds freak me out, which I can trace back to a quite traumatic "I'm lost" moment I had in a mall as a child.

Dessert
Where are you sitting right now? Name 3 things you can see at this moment.
I'm sitting in my chair at the office. I can see my Stiletto (love it), my Blackberry and my yogurt and wheat germ concoction.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Feast #174

2008-01-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
When was the last time you received a surprise in the mail, and what was it?
Can't recall actually... :\

Soup
If you could have a summer and/or winter home, where would you want it to be?
A winter home in Killington, Vermont and a summer home in Inverness, Scotland.

Salad
Pick one: pineapple, orange, banana, apple, cherry.
Pineapple...heehee!

Main Course
Describe the nicest piece of clothing that you own.
Oh god...prolly my peacoat. It's official naval issue, made on a naval base in the US and shipped to good ol' Canuckistan. It's black, fits quite well (although it's a bit big now).

Dessert
If you could forget one whole day from your life, which day would you choose to wipe from your memory?
No day should be forgotten...cheesy.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Feast #173

2008-01-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

Appetizer
Name 2 things you would like to accomplish in 2008.
1) To complete a major piece of writing. Type undetermined.
2) Complete at least 4 courses for my degree.

Soup
With which cartoon character do you share personality traits?
Elmer Fudd

Salad
What time of day (or night) were you born?
Early morning.

Main Course
Tell us something special about your hometown.
Sweet. F. A.

Dessert
If you could receive a letter from anyone in the world, who would you want to get one from?
Tim P.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Feast #172

2008-01-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
Make up a word and give us its definition.
No.

Soup
What is currently your favorite song?
Love Me Till I Die from "Prom Night"

Salad
What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?
Nothing in particular. Kind of hard to answer in hindsight, too...

Main Course
Name a scent that reminds you of someone special in your life.
I'll keep it to myself, actually. :P

Dessert
Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be, and why?
Paris Hilton. The why is obvious"

Categories: Friday_Feast

God Has a Plan

2007-12-20T16:39:00.001-05:00

Categories: funny

Tyra, Tyra, Tyra!!!

2007-12-20T10:12:00.000-05:00

Categories: Funny

Friday Feast #171

2007-12-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
What was the last game you purchased?
Videogame - Guitar Hero I, II and III
Boardgame - Monopoly

Soup
Name something in which you don’t believe.
Santa Clause

Salad
If you could choose a celebrity to be your boss, who would you pick?
Meryl Streep

Main Course
What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?
Some people are truly assholes by nature

Dessert
Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.
A room full of pillows and filled with second-hand pot smoke...

Categories: Friday_Feast

zOMG!!!!

2007-12-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

So, ~~accidental~~ regular ~~readers~~ reader...you may recall me posting about the film Prom Night (1980) and my unhealthy and extremist love for it. I neglected to mention that for years, I have been on the look-out for the soundtrack. The soundtrack had a limited release of only a few thousand prints sold exclusively in Japan...so the chances of my coming across it were slim to none.
My buddy E, however, managed to find it! In honour of him, I give you a fitting response...

...a decapitation!

Thanks, man! :D :D :D

xo

Categories: video

Friday Feast #170

2007-11-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Probably the Gravitron.

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
By standing back and watching the skeeviness flourish...

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
Probably a 5...depends on who it's with.

Main Course
Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
No and no.

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
I choose to not answer that question for fear that it may incriminate me...

Categories: Friday_Feast

French & Saunders RIP

2007-11-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Sadly, F&S, my fave comedy duo have called a halt to their partnership to pursue other career opportunities. I have a feeling that despite the dreary outlook, we'll be laughing at them again soon. :)

ARTICLE

JEN
Do you do bosoms?

DAWN
Biggen them or smallen them?

JEN
Well, a bit of both, really.

DAWN
Yes, I can certainly do that.

JEN
Good.

DAWN
And I'll tell you another thing - we can put a nipple anywhere you want nowadays.

JEN
Hmmm..what about my face?

DAWN
You want a nipple on your face?!

JEN
No...!

DAWN
I was going to say, "Don't put a nipple on your face!" You put a nipple on your face and you'll have babies jumping up and sucking your face all the time!

JEN
I DON'T WANT THAT!

DAWN
I KNOW! Let's say nix to the nipple on the face idea, ok?

JEN
I just wanted it tightened.

DAWN
You want your face tightened. I can do that.

JEN
Good.

DAWN
I will need you to stay awake during the op, though, coz after I make the initial incision across the top, I'll need you to hold it back so I can pull it up...and then staple it across like that.

JEN
Well, good [PAUSE]
...get on with it then!

DAWN
Hey, hey, hey! I'll have you know there's a great deal of counselling that goes on beforehand to make sure you're really ready to do this.

JEN
Oh...

DAWN
Do you want the counselling?

JEN
Ok.

DAWN
Alright. So...deary...are you really ready to do this?

JEN
Uh...yes.

DAWN
Ok...that's the counselling.

JEN
Good.

Categories: Miscellaneous

Ro-bear Berbil

2007-11-28T09:04:00.001-05:00

I'm not a big fan of the "Woof!" that a lot of bear-like-types are so fond of. However, I might make an exception in the case of Robbie Williams' new look...DAMN!

Categories: Miscellaneous

Meme's are a Lazy Blogger's Best Friend...

2007-11-27T13:46:00.001-05:00

1. Who was you last four texts from? Geoff, David, Glen and Ian
2. Where was your default picture taken? In the year 3000
3. What’s your middle name? Cameron Arthur
4. Your current relationship status? Swingle
5. Does your crush like you back? I believe so.
6. What is your current mood? Relieved
7. What’s your mom’s middle name? May
8. What colour shirt are you wearing? Blue with navy stripes
9. Are you horny? Surprisingly not, actually...
10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you? I'll keep that to myself.
11. Where was the last place out of town that you went to? Grimsby
12. Ever had a near death experience? When I was young, I swallowed a safety pin and couldn't be touched because it might puncture my lung. I guess not, then...
13. Something you do a lot? Overanalyze
14. Do you have a fondness for gnomes? Um...no.
15. Who can you tell anything to? My friend E.
16. Name someone with the same birthday as you? Cindy Crawford...and that's TRUE. Sidney Poitier, too.
17. When was the last time you cried? A couple weeks ago.
18. Where are you right now? Work.
19. If you could have one super power what would it be? The ability to absorb other people's powers...SNAP!
20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? Legs, if they're exposed, otherwise hair, forearms, teeth.
21. Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck? Amy Winehouse
22. What is a theory that you believe? That meme's are a lazy blogger's bestest friend!
23. Favourite colour? Blue
24. What is one thing that annoys you on tv? The shows
25. Do you still like kiddy movies? God, yes.
26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? A beef patty and boneless chicken roti
27. Do you speak any other language? rudimentary French
28. What’s your favorite smell? baking bread
29. Describe your life in one word? windy (as in winding, not full of wind)
30. Have any tattoos? No
31. What are you looking forward to the most? skiing this winter
32. What are you thinking about right now? this quiz, you douche
33. What should you be doing? eating my rapidly cooling food
34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry? relatives
35. What are you listening to? the constant hum of the air conditioning at work, before that CBC radio
36. Do you like working in the yard? Mowing the lawn yes, everything else, no.
37. What color are your nails? Um...skin colour?
38. Do you act differently around the person you like? Depends how much I like them and how comfortable I am
39. What is your natural hair color? Dirty Blonde
40. Why did you cry the last time you did? it was a funeral

Categories: Miscellaneous

PROM NIGHT! Everything is ALRIGHT!

2007-11-24T10:10:00.000-05:00

Oh GOD ALMIGHTY how I love this movie.

Prom Night (1980) - Starring Jamie Lee Curtis & Leslie Neilsen

Super geeks will note (@3:01) the girl spectacting who later went on to play Data's love interest on Star Trek: The Next Generation (and she also played Connie, who stalked and then stabbed Ray Krebbs on Dallas, but only people with deep seeded psychological problems know that...). Also, the school doubling as Hamilton High in the film is North York Collegiate.

Here's the trailer...

Categories: video

You Gotta Be Shittin' Me

2007-11-22T11:13:00.001-05:00

Ho, Ho, Ho-ld up! That shit ain't right, yo!

As my buddy Mark pointed out, the most amazing thing about this idiotic story is that it DIDN'T originate in the US.

Categories: Miscellaneous

RIP

2007-11-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Gentle ~~Readers~~ Reader,

Firstly, my apologies for the lack of updates. I've been getting over a long-running cold/sinus infection/throat affliction (which is still with me), but it's been playing havoc with my creativity. (And my story watching...)

A couple of weeks ago, my gran had a stroke. Not a severe stroke, but a stroke nonetheless. She was paralyzed on the left hand side of her body and had a bad bruise where the blood vessel had ruptured beneath her scalp. She was still in good spirits though, even joking with her doctor when he told her she had to decide whether or not the medical personnel should revive her in the event that things turned south.

"Do you need to know now?!"

Over the next week or so, various family members visited her, each reporting on varying levels of cognizance (some visits were completely normal, while my mum reported getting a blank, unknowing stare during one of her calls at the hospital). Plans were arranged with a total care home (she had been living in a semi-care home previously) and she was put on a waiting list. The family was warned the list was several months wait.

I had a real problem with this because my gran was not a woman who enjoyed being waited on, or taken care of, or really being a bother to anyone else. She often would go out of her way to make you comfortable when you were visiting her house; ensuring that you'd had enough food, or that your room was warm enough. She was fiercely proud and there wasn't a night that I ever stayed at her house where she did not put her hair in curlers before bed, wrapping her entire head in a section of toilet paper and sipping her tea (from fine bone china) while she played solitaire or did a crossword. She would never come to dinner without full make-up on and her nails done. This often delayed dinner by at least an hour as her preferred time to get ready was 5 minutes before the scheduled commencement of the meal.

Although Scottish by heritage, she came off as more English because of her very snobbish (yet charming) views on life and people. She was every bit as curmudgeony as her favourite television character, Hyachynthe Bucket. One summer an uncle of mine was visiting from England and staying at my gran's house. He was heavily into tai-chi and practiced it every day at home. One morning, my gran was in the kitchen making her morning tea while the rest of the family sat around the breakfast table, talking and eating. She looked outside at the yard worriedly and said, "What is Jim doing?"

"His tai-chi," my aunt responded.

"Well, someone go out and get him off the lawn before the neighbours see him."

Last Friday, I received word that my gran had gone into congestive heart failure and that the doctors had pretty much resolved themselves to the fact that recovery would not be possible for a woman of her age (she was 92). I went to the hospital to see her and she was a shell of her former self. It broke my heart to see her unaware of anyone around her, her hair not done, her nails not done and her previously slight body now shrunken to gaunt proportions. I couldn't really look at her, or touch her - I just sat, talking with my aunt and cousin who had been there all day. They'd decided to no longer even monitor my gran, but instead just make her comfortable until the inevitable occurred. As harsh as it sounds, it was the best thing for her, really.

I returned home on Friday evening and then heard on Sunday morning that she had passed away just after midnight on Saturday evening. I wasn't really sad, to be honest, I was more relieved that such a great and proud woman wouldn't be subjected to an extended, embarassing and soul-killing hospital stay let alone a couple years stuck in a nursing home. If she hadn't been defeated by the health problems, such a fate would surely have destroyed any zest for life she had left. After her stroke, she said, "It's been a good life" and it was. Of her 92 years (save the last two), she'd only been in the hospital on four occasions (the births of her four children, including my father). She was also heartbroken when Grampa died in 1982 and I know they're having the greatest conversation right now, catching up on all the stuff he'd missed out on (including the births of 3 more grandchildren).

Our family is very Scottish, due largely to my gran's constant reminders, so my brother and I wore kilts to the funeral and visitation. I felt really proud to be there, knowing my gran would think we were dressed better than anyone else in the room and be just as proud as me.

RIP Gran xoxo

Categories: RIP

Friday Monday Feast #169

2007-11-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
What was your first “real” job?
Probably working at Mr. Topper's Pizza in high school.

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
For a walk, no where in particular.

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
I am embarrassed when my mother hits me in public...help me.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?
Um...good ones? Another lame question, FF!

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
Vaurnet shirts, acid washed jeans, and hackey sacks. Bleugh.

Categories: Friday_Feast

A Racist Question* About Racism...

2007-11-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

*I only call my commentary racist because frankly, it is racist of me to blame someone's ethnicity for their own allegedly racist behaviour.

We have two part-timers who work in our office - one who has been here for a long time, and is of South Asian (Indian) descent; and another who is very new (only started last week) and is of Eastern European descent.

They share a computer. I don't think they've been sharing it all week since I've been out of the office and my PC was probably used. Today, however, upon my return, Eastern European part-timer is using South Asian girl's computer (who is away today). Using it, though, only after she just spent LITERALLY 15 minutes wiping the machine, the desk, the keyboard, the keyboard rest, the BOOKS ON THE DESK, the FOLDERS CONTAINING MAILING LABELS, the monitor, the phone, etc., etc., etc., down with alcohol wipes.

Racist...or OCD??

Frankly, I find both behaviours (especially based on recent events in my own life) to be completely abhorrent.

Categories: Rant

Friday Feast #168

2007-11-09T08:23:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
Which snack do you like to get when you go to the movies?
NIBS!! Or plain M&Ms.

Soup
What year did you start using the internet?
1988 or so?

Salad
What is your first name in Pig Latin? (Here’s how to speak it if you don’t already know!)
Eansay

Main Course
Name something you are picky about.
Where I wet my dick.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: I ____ ____ yesterday and I ____ ____ today.
I felt shitty yesterday and I don't really today.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Voicemail Threesome

2007-11-09T08:07:00.000-05:00

So I come into the office today and there's a voicemail message waiting on the mainline. It's a generic number that is given out if you need to reach our department, but don't know who you're specifically needing to talk to. I pick up the phone, enter the security code and wait, expecting to hear "Hi, I need help with so and so and such and such...blah, blah, blah..."
With my pen at the ready, I heard the click that signified the commencement of playback.

"Hi, um...this is Martina. If you can give me a call back at XXX-XXX-XXXX at your earliest convenience, I'd appreciate it. Ciao."¹

So, I find it kind of odd that Martina gave no indication of her problem or who she was really trying to reach. And I thought, "Fuck it" and I called her back immediately (at 8am, mind you), thinking that I'll surely get a voicemail and then the onus is on her to call me back.
I dial the number and it rings a few times and then she picks up and says, "Hello."

"Hi, this is Sean calling from XXXXXX, returning the voicemail you left."

"Okay. [long pause] Sean, this is Martina."

"Yes...?"

"And I left you a voicemail..."

"Yes...?"²

"And you and your wife wanted to get together?"

"Uh...?"

"I left you a voicemail. Are you interested in getting together?"

"Uh........?"

"Sean?"

"Um, this is a place of business. I'm not sure how you got this number, but it's most likely NOT the number you think you're calling."

"Oh...okay."

"Yeah."

"Okay, well Sean, I'm sorry to have interrupted your workday and I hope you have a good one."

"Thanks...?"

"Ciao."

[UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!]

¹ I seriously LOATHE when non-Italian people say "Ciao!" at the end of conversations or exchanges. It's so fucking euro-trash...bleugh.
² At this point I realized that she thought I was supposed to know what she was calling about...

Categories: Miscellaneous

Bitchin' in the Kitchen

2007-11-08T14:33:00.001-05:00

"Dear Blender,
Won't you help a first offender?
Oh, toaster
Don't you put the burn on me..."

Richard O'Brien, Shock Treatment

I am ALL about women's rights. So much so that I've often considered donating my misshapen baby toes to the nearest women's shelter as pillow filler. However, there are times (not many, mind you) that liberated and empowered women really chap my ass.

I'm at work today and a new employee, a young female of Asian descent, asked me to grab her printer for her from the library (a locked storage cabinet type dealie). So I go and open it up and pick up the printer (a sizeable piece of equipment, roughly the dimensions of a beer cooler - and heavy, too). I place it down in the hall so I can relock the library door. She bends down, grabs it and says, "I can carry this."
"Oh no, no, no...that's ok. Let me do it," I implored her, desperately.
"No, it's ok."
So I had to follow this little woman as she carried this printer box, which was over half her size, back to her desk (waving and smiling at the disgusted looks from coworkers as we went - "Pig!").

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #40

2007-11-05T13:57:00.001-05:00

This isn't so much of a tip as it is a recounting of a most gloriously retarded conversation that I just overheard. A new employee on the floor (X) was speaking to myself and two other assistants (B & C). Employee X was being called on to join employees B & C downstairs for a charity event. Employees B & C suggested to employee X that she put her purse in a drawer, or better yet, lock it up.

X - Really?
B - Yeah, that's a glass door that opens up onto your desk. Anyone could steal your purse.
X - Really?
C - Yep. Just put it in a drawer, at least.
X - But I'm not even leaving the building.
B - It doesn't matter - purses have been stolen already.
X - Really?
C - Yeah, and wallets.
X - Really?
B - YES. (at this point, employee B, god love her, grabbed this dolt's purse and shoved it in the nearest drawer and then drug employee X out by her shoulder)

I personally would have stolen the bitch's purse myself just to teach her a lesson.

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Music to the Movie of My Life

2007-11-05T11:51:00.000-05:00

The rules:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool

Opening Credits: "'39" - Queen, Night at the Opera
First Day At School: "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" - The Gap Band
Falling In Love: "Hold On To This Moment (Instrumental)" - Mystery
Fight Song: "Before" - Pet Shop Boys
Prom: "Star Wars Theme + Cantina Band" - MECO
Life's OK: "So In Love" - Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
Mental Breakdown: "Hamburg Break Out" - David Arnold, Tomorrow Never Dies OST
Driving: "James Bond With Bongos" - John Barry, From Russia With Love OST
Flashback: "Virginia" - Tori Amos
Getting Back Together: "The Full Circle: The Tribe" - Barry Gray, Space: 1999 Year 1 Soundtrack (seriously, WTF?!?)
Wedding: "Bella Notte (This Is The Night)" - Lady & The Tramp
Birth of Child: "Holy Water" - The Gossip, Standing In The Way of Control
Final Battle: "Around The World" - Daft Punk
Death Scene: "One Vision" - Queen (SWEEEET!!!)
Funeral Song: "Goldfinger" - Shirley Bassey (this is a cover of her own song done really slowly, in a strange bit of coincidence)
End Credits: "Mardy Bum" - Arctic Monkeys

Ahh...it was a good life. :)

Categories: Miscellaneous

Catsup...?

2007-11-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

This is a catch-up blog post since I've been completely neglectful of my ~~large and widespread~~ readership of reader(s). Huh? Anyway...haven't had much of interest to write about. Been going out and drinking too much...the usual. I'm on a ~~well deserved and needed~~ break from school until the new year. Spoke to the 'rents about bankrolling an extravagant ski trip to Killington, VT this winter and they were...receptive. Surely, the end of the world is near.

In any event, here are all the Friday Feasts I missed in my absence.

FRIDAY FEAST #165

Appetizer
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
A golden lab...because they're actually a piss yellow colour and I'm all about the Emperor's New Clothes.

Soup
What does the color purple make you think of?
My favourite Speilberg film.

Salad
Approximately how long does it take you to get ready each morning?
10 minutes to shower, 5 minutes for flossing/brushing and 2 minutes to dress. About 20 minutes.

Main Course
How many cousins do you have, and are you close to them?
Four...and not really.

Dessert
Take your initials (first, middle, last) and come up with something else those letters could stand for. (Example: SFO = Sweet Funny Otter)
SCAG = Slutty Cum A-Go-Go

FRIDAY FEAST #166

Appetizer
Name a great website you would recommend to others.
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Soup
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 as highest), how often do you dream at night?
I'm not sure because I often don't remember them. I'd say an 8.

Salad
Did you have a pet as a child? If so, what kind and what was its name?
Yes. A dog named Benji that bit me in the eye and 'went to live on a farm with a nice family.' Then we had Barney, the Beagle, who hung himself. :|

Main Course
If you had the chance to star in a commercial, what would you choose to advertise?
Something to do with yeast infections because I feel women are cornering that market. Mix that shit up a bit, yo.

Dessert
What is your favorite kind of hard candy?
Um...I'm 30...I'm not a fan of hard candy yet.

FRIDAY FEAST #167

Appetizer
How much money do you plan to spend this upcoming holiday season?
Not much.

Soup
What was the last television show you watched, and was it good?
Coronation Street this morning...and yes, it was SCANDALOUSLY good.

Salad
If you had to paint the walls of your living room tomorrow, what color would you choose?
Navy blue

Main Course
Name something clever or practical you have thought of that should be invented, but hasn’t yet.
Ya lost me.

Dessert
List 3 things you would like to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday season.
A trip to Killington, VT
...that's about it. I'm happy.

Categories: Friday_Feast

PlayStation 3

2007-10-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

Greeting, gentle reader(s). Just throwing some pasta at the universe and seeing if it sticks (or if it rolls down the side of the universe, leaving a streaky, slimey trail that you can't scrape off unless you get out the scourer and the fucking Fantastik!)

My PlayStation Network ID is "STM007" ...add me if you dare and I shall obliterate your feeble mind in Tiger Woods 2007...you've been warned.

Categories: PS3

Old Yellow Eyes Is Back

2007-10-22T08:06:00.000-04:00

...no, this isn't going to a long and drawn out blog entry ruminating over the merits of Brent Spinder's 1991 attempt at ironic music.

Over the past four days, I have had several run ins with everyone's favourite and most common bodily fluid - urine. Yum. :x Not being into watersports, it was not a week I care to repeat...ever.

Thursday I left work in a severe rush, I was anxious to get home. Can't even remember why. In any event, I ended up taking the subway home. When I got off, I walked very purposefully towards my apartment building. About 30 yards away, I decided to pull out my keys from the front pocket of my backpack. As I reached around, I realized that the pocket was not firmly zipped shut as I had anticipated, but gaping open. I stuck my hand in and didn't notice anything missing, but I also couldn't find my keys (I figured they would be in the main pocket).
I stopped in the construction tunnel that was erected in front of my building and placed by bag on the ledge. I opened the main zipper and quickly took out my shopping bags (from Old Navy and Bluenotes) and hastily placed them on the ground. As I did so, I noticed an putrid odour but ignored it as there were more important and immediate concerns.
Inside my bag, I couldn't find my keys at all. I must have forgot them at work. I grabbed my blackberry and couldn't for the life of me remember anyone's extensions. Also, my blackberry was having a hard time with the company directory. I figured I would just go to the management office and get the spare set and retrieve my keys at work later. I lifted up one of my bags and the smell became instantly worse. I reached down to the bottom of the bag, which was soaking wet, and thought, "Wow...that's a lot of water..."
My hand came back up to about 10 inches from my nose and I smelled quite possible the most odious, abhorrent and unspeakable wave of stench I have ever experienced. Like "The Bog of Eternal Stench" levels here, people. I immediately dry heaved and dropped the bag. Thankfully, my clothes remained inside it and dry. I picked up the other bag and idiotically placed my OTHER hand in that wetness.

So, I'm standing outside my building, an open backpack, a blackberry and two shopping bags, dripping and stinking with piss. At this point, it was obvious that I couldn't return to work, either walking or on the subway. The smell would have killed me long before anyone else got a chance to partake.
I headed to the management office and carefully asked from the farthest distance possible, if I could have the keys to my apartment. The woman asked to see my picture ID. Great...I have to fish out my wallet and then my license with a urine stinking hand and give it to her. UGH. I did find the wallet, then the license and eventually got the keys. I ran into my apartment, threw down the bags and began washing my hands with the hottest water I could handle. They were quite red afterwards. None of the clothes ended up getting wet, thank god - but that was not to be the case for long...

Friday night, Ian, Trevor and I headed out to the usual fun and friendly nightspots we frequent. But, since those places were packed, we headed to O'Grady's and the Eagle instead. I decided to wear a pair of my new jeans (which looked badass, btw); one of the pairs that was protected in my Bluenotes bag from the piss storm outside my building on that fateful Thursday.
O'Grady's was uneventful, save running into these two dudes from Scotland that I spoke with online (I forgot last weekend was the weekend they were in). They said they were headed to the Eagle, so Trevor, Ian and I conferred and decided to head over in a half hour or so.
We arrived at the Eagle and it was dark and packed, as it usually is on a Friday night. I was already well into my stupid phase of drinking, so when I saw the two Scots, I immediately waved, stepped up onto the bench that divides the patio in half and looked for a landing spot. There was one and I jumped down. As I hit the ground, however, my left leg shot out in front of me and my right leg slammed into the bench right behind me. I spilled my beer all over my leg. This nice guy helped me back up as I whispered, "Shit, man...didn't see that beer there." He straightened me up and said, "That wasn't beer." I looked where he was now pointing and saw some young dude getting pissed on...

Categories: Miscellaneous

Online Baffoonery

2007-10-20T13:50:00.000-04:00

So on this site I belong to, this dude messaged me ages and ages ago and basically asked if I wanted to screw around with him. I didn't because a) he only had one picture and b) I'm don't get wet for manatees. I replied politely (because I always TRY to reply unless someone "woofs" me) and said, "Thanks, man. I appreciate it. I'm not really looking for that, though" So he writes me back:

-Fine, fuck off then-

So I blocked him. A few weeks ago, I was perusing my block list and unblocked everyone coz, well...honestly, I was bored. He writes me today and goes:

-Hey S, I love a thick cock. Wanna get sucked off?-

A) How does he know I can provide him what he's looking for (there are no wang shots on any of my profiles) and B) didn't he tell me to "fuck off?" I write him back:

-Oddly enough, I don't find people who tell me to 'fuck off' attractive. Go figure-

And he writes back:

-Sorry S, had a bad night, my friends brother decided to take his own life-

And I reply:

-So you figured you'd go online and cruise? :s-

After a long while, he writes back:

-no, i was looking for some company-

And I reply:

-by offering sex to random strangers?-

And he writes:

-give it a rest. i'm heading off to watch the World Cup Rugby Final. Mike ;)-

WTF?

Seriously, the winkie at the end made my head explode. lol

So I finally replied with:

-good luck with your mental health issues. and thanks for the 'excuse.' apprecaite it.

I'll be putting you back on the blocked list so I'll have at least ONE less nutjob messaging me.

Enjoy your game! :)-

Strangely, you can't block someone on the site until they message you, so technically he's not blocked until he replies...

UPDATE:

So he replies with:

-you are a horrible, nasty man-

ROFLMAO

So I block him and then write back:

-No, like I said, I'm strangely repulsed by people who tell me to fuck off.

Especially when I was nothing but polite to those people.

I think there may be a lesson in this. What do you think?-

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #39

2007-10-18T08:52:00.000-04:00

This blog entry brought to you by...
The World Book Encyclopedia Collection.
Keeping nerdy children entertained in grocery
stores and markets for going on 50 years.
The World Book Encyclopedia - supreme intelligence
is a simple, alphabetical finger-flip away.*

*information last updated in 1957.

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #39

To the lovely woman who gave me attitude this morning as I attempted to pass on her right as she was walking towards me:

You DO NOT live in England, nor any other European nation. Please see the sidewalk as the foot-powered equivalent of a street - ALWAYS walk on the RIGHT. And if, like you, one happens to be devoid of any human brain capacity whatsoever, take your cues from people who know. Also, don't give attitude to people who know what the hell they're doing.

I SAID, "GOOD DAY!"

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

The Last 7 Days - Part III - Epilogue

2007-10-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

or
How The Entire Thing Turned Around

After both of my accidents, I was severely frazzled. I stopped twittering. Although I knew I would blog about it eventually, I just felt drained of any kind of wit. I did manage, however to have a great weekend considering.
First of all, I have my PS3 which is as badass as everyone says and 100x moreso. I now have Motor Storm, Tiger Woods 2007, Skate and a whole slew of games I downloaded, including my fave - Super Stardust HD. SO FUN. Then on Sunday I had Ian, Trevor and Tyler over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had bought a roasting chicken because even the young turkeys looked a little too large for our purposes. Tyler was making a carrot dish, Trevor was bringing Yorkshire puddings and whipped cream for the pumpkin pie that Ian was bringing. I decided to go overboard, so I made the chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower and green beans. First off, my kitchen is too small for even two people to be cooking in it. Also, I don't have enough pots to cook that many side dishes. Finally, the chicken was twice as big as the recipe I was making called for, but like the assclown that I occasionally embody, I didn't adjust cooking times. So..in the end, the chicken turned out perfectly, but everything else (save the stuff other people made) was overcooked. :( I was not impressed, but everyone seemed to enjoy it. The Yorkshire puddings, French carrot dish, pumpkin pie and blueberry pie were all incredible. It was a fun night all around. :)
After that, not much happened until the Snow Show on Thursday. I was super paranoid that I would have to pay copious amounts of money to Ms. Swan...

...and thereby be unable to pay for me skiin' shit. Thankfully, it turns out this wasn't the case.
T and I arrived at the Snow Show at about 3:30 and did a big circuit of the entire event. LOADS of stuff there (I'm actually considering heading back to pick up my only missing items - gloves, goggles and a boot bag).
Anyway, we found a great ski kiosk with really helpful people. I explained my whole story - used to ski, was quite good, but haven't done it in 10 years, want to start up again so the learning curve will be short before I get back to where I was (hopefully). So, he pointed out a couple skis that would be good and the second pair he showed me looked badass and were $299 from $700. I'm there. I bought 'em. They're red, black, gray and silver...nice (pics below). We taggged them with our receipt and left them there to shop for boots. I did try on boots at the same place, but they only had low-end ones that were way too tight on my extremely wide (and sexy) feet. He was really good and wrote down a few brands that I should try and find at other kiosks (because they're designed wide).
We headed to find the boots but were pretty unsuccessful until we stumbled upon this one exhibitor. Going towards the back, both T and I immediately noticed the UBERhot babe helping out some other customer with boots. The waiting game began. Both T and I circled like a pair of buzzards waiting for the opportunity to grab his attention. Unfortunately, my patience was wearing thin so I eventually hit up some other, older gentleman to help me. I told him my story and he started rattling off all this information - he was really helpful, too, even moreso than the dude at the other kiosk. He had me try on this one pair of boots that seriously felt like my feet were in a bear trap. As he did this, the UBERhot babe became available and asked T if he needed help. With a frown, he pointed towards me and said, "It's for my buddy...but he's been helped." We were both bummed. :)
T came over and we found a pair of boots on display that were at the top of the list the other dude gave us. Sweet. Now, do they have them in my size? The guy helping us had gone off to find another pair that he thought would suit me. As he rounded the bench he pulled out the exact same pair we were eyeing - Nordica Beast 10's. SCHWEET! He put them on and I swear...it was like putting my feet in heaven - if heaven were a shoe and God was the eater of toe-jam, not souls. It was beautiful.

"I'll take them!"

The boots were regularly in the $500s, but were marked down to $329.99. Excellent. We got to the cash and noticed some ski bags for 50% off. I grabbed a nice one and brought it to the cash. They rang it in - $15. SCORE. Then she rang in the boots...$279.99...

...silence...

...I pulled out my VISA and shut my mouth. DOUBLE-SCORE. We managed to find poles elsewhere and then were off to find an outfit. I went to the Sporting Life area and was looking through their Burton jackets (T is always extolling the virtues of Burton gear - thanks, man.). Sadly, they didn't have an XL in sight. Bummer. But, I did manage to find an XL Burton 686 Jacket. It was grey with baby blue pinstripes running through it. BEAUTIFUL. I tried it on. Perfect. Looked at the tag - $199.99, regularly $399.99. SCHWING! In the meantime, T had been a doll and found skipants for me. I tried those on too and score - perfect fit.
It was really my day. I wanted to find a boot bag, too, but I had had enough of the Snow Show so we left (which is why I may return sometime this weekend).
The entire getup cost under $1300 and I'd set aside $2500...I was stoked and still am. Watch out!

Here it is in all it's sexiful glory.

SWEET!

Categories: Miscellaneous

The Last 7 Days - Part II

2007-10-12T09:18:00.000-04:00

^or
Cafe du Crackberry

^A.K.A
The 3 Day Rape Session Afforded Me By Rogers

As Ms. Swan CRANED her neck to look back at us, she screeched, "Why you HIT me?!" Despite my entirely fucked up state, I came seconds away from hollering, "Coz you got in my WAY, BITCH!" I didn't, thankfully. I told her to pull into the parking lot she felt was so important to turn into only moments earlier and we followed. The entire time, though, Ms. Swan had a stern look on her face like we were gonna cut and run.

I did actually consider it, I'll be honest. But, I'm a good boy (at least behind the wheel) so I turned in behind her. I was still frazzled, but this woman waiting in the drive-thru line at the McDonald's yelled over, "If you guys need a witness, I saw the whole thing." She pulled out of line and came over to us.
At this point, Miss Swan was fully out of her car, and grabbing her neck. You know, like what happens when you're in a REAL accident. I apologized at least 5 times and the witness came over to help. Turns out she is a former Accident Adjuster so we couldn't have had a better person there to guide us through the process. Unfortunately, I was inconsolable and let T handle the entire affair after handing him my license. I phoned the Zipcar people and they told me everything that had to be done.
Ms. Swan and T exchanged information (the entire time, alternating between craning her neck to look at the horrific damage to her bumper and then grabbing her neck in extreme pain). The more she grabbed her neck, the more I freaked out with Judge Judy's back catalogue of episodes running through my head. I'm going to get sued. I'm going to get sued. Turns out you can't do that in Canada unless you don't have insurance, so YAY Canuckistan!
Anyway, we eventually headed off, found the Wal-Mart and bought the PS3. We returned home without incident and set the thing up.

Then we come to Saturday. I'm sitting in my living room, drinking coffee out of my Bodum and playing PS3. My blackberry was sitting on the coffee table too, out of it's leather holster. However I managed it, I'm not sure, but the next thing I knew, there was coffee everywhere. It hit the PS3 controller, it hit my remotes and it hit my blackberry. I grabbed the PS3 controller and ran to get a towel. I wiped it off and it seemed no worse for wear. As I returned to the living room, though, I could see the blackberry submerged under an ocean of coffee...
I wiped it off, shook it out and tried to use it; it seemed ok. The more I fiddled, though, the more I realized that hitting the "S" on the keyboard gave you a "U" and an "O" - shit. I headed off to the Rogers store near my building to see what could be done. I was in luck - turns out they had a used one (used for about half an hour) that they could give me for $250. Expensive, but fuck...I'm committed to a year long blackberry information plan so to not buy one would be a waste of money (or would it? I still haven't figured out that one in my head). In any event, they were going to sell it to me but couldn't because the SKU code hadn't been entered into the system. I asked how long that would take and the nice girl at the desk phoned the Helpdesk at Rogers right there and then and put through the order. I was overly anxious to get the thing replaced since i didn't have a phone to use in the meantime except for my old cellphone which had no address book (relatively useless). She told me it would be done by that evening and she took my name and number, placed them on the blackberry box and said she would call me when it was put in but that if I didn't hear anything, it would be done by the morning. Fine.
I went home and got no call. The next morning, I tried calling the store, but couldn't get an answer. I got ready and headed out to the Rogers store again. I arrived and asked if I could pick up the blackberry they had on hold for me. I gave the girl my name and she found it in the cupboard. Unfortunately, when she went to ring it in, the code had not been entered yet. *GRUMBLE*
I told her what the girl from yesterday had told me and said girl happened to be in the store. She walked over and said, "Yeah, I guess it's not in yet."
"Oh, ok...?" I replied
"Yeah, it probably won't be in until Monday."
"Monday's a holiday."
"Oh yeah...I guess Tuesday then."
"I see."
"Yeah, check back on Tuesday."
"You told me yesterday that it would be entered by this morning."
"Yeah, it should go in sometime today. You can try calling back."
"Okidoke! Thanks for your help!" (BITCH)

I returned home and phoned a couple of hours later. A gentleman answered the phone and I told him the whole story.
"Oh, the used blackberry?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
"Yeah, you can buy that outright at anytime for $550."
"Ok...well, they told me $250 or so and that I couldn't buy it at any time because the sku code wasn't in the system."
"No, not $250. $550 and you can pick it up at any time."
"Why was I told a completely different story?"
"I'm not sure, sir, but you can buy it any time."
"Well, your helpful staff told me that I couldn't and I've been without a phone for two days because of their misinformation."
"I'm sorry, sir. I don't know how that happened, but I assure you you can buy it at anytime for $550."
"Thanks so much."

I got on my bike and headed over. It was around 4 or so and the sky was the colour of black sackcloth. The heavens were planning on opening up at any moment. As I locked my bike, the rain began. Fucking. Hell.
I walked into the store and plunked down $620 for a new blackberry. Excessive? Certainly. Necessary? Absolutely not. Right decision? Prolly not. Am I happy with it? Indeed.

I returned home in an absolute downpour and applied analgesic cream to my ravaged anus.

"No more...please...no more..."

Categories: Miscellaneous

The Last 7 Days - Part I

2007-10-12T08:05:00.001-04:00

or
The Night I Met and Nearly Killed Ms. Swan
^{(and not in that order)}

Greetings, Gentle Reader(s). The last 7 days have been nothing if not eventful. Let's go back in time, shall we...? Stare into the picture below for 37.2 hours and continue reading once you've picked yourself off the floor...

As many of my friends who read my blog will know, I've been wanting to get back into skiing this year. My attendance at the annual Snow Show at Exhibition Place has been planned for more than a few months. In order to facilitate this purchase, I contacted my bank about floating me some bread (how 70s) to make it happen. Always ready to charge me interest, they said yes practically before I finished asking the question. They ~~stupidly~~ gave me so much in fact, that I was able to realize my fifth most important dream* of buying a Playstation 3.
Another reason for purchasing the PS3 was the price. Wal-Mart had a sale on PS3s that ended last Thursday (an 80Gig one for $549, incl. a bluetooth remote, Motor Storm and a controller). I only had to buy the cord to connect it to my telly (and any games I wanted - bought Skate and I was set). Anyway, the actual purchase of the PS3 was uneventful, it was getting to the Wal-Mart that was REALLY exciting.
T and I headed out on Thursday night around 6pm on our Playstation Adventure™. We headed to the ghetto-ist of sock 'n' high-heel wearin' Wal-Marts, the Dufferin/Bloor location. Shortly after arriving, we realized that they were completely sold out. It was not looking good. We got the numbers to a couple of locations from a gent working in the electronics section and left. There was a Toys 'R' Us location in the same mall, so we checked there. The 60Gig version without a game, or a controller, or a remote was the same price. Nu-uh.
T and I both called separate locations on the list. While I was on hold with mine, T gave me a dire look and shook his head. Not good. Turned out, though, that the St.Clair/Runnymede location had "loads" of them left in stock. Sweet. We jumped in our Zipcar and headed out. I wasn't entirely sure how to get there, so T did some nice navigating. We eventually hit St. Clair W and headed westward.
Many probably don't remember, but Thursday night was very foggy. It wasn't pea soup foggy, but the roads were somewhat...moist, shall we say. As the light turned green at the Keele/St.Clair W intersection, we accelerated up the slight gradient. On the left was a large plaza complex with a Home Depot and a McDonalds...both T and I turned to see if it was the Wal-Mart and turned back to the road (an action that probably took under 5 nanoseconds). As we turned back to the road, the car in front, a silver Honda Civic, stopped abruptly and turned it's left turn signal on. I was about 20 feet away at this point and slammed on the brakes with a "FUCK!!" Unfortunately for me (and the front fender), we were squarely in line with the streetcar tracks and the car began it's exaggerated and laborious slide closer and closer to the back end of the other car. I thought that we might stop in time, but alas, we were about a foot too long and bumped the car.
I nearly had an aneurysm right there and then, but instead simply barfed up a steady stream of "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I was freaking out. I've never been in an accident (as the driver) before in my life. I pride myself on my observational skills and ability to react appropriately to avoid disaster. The car slid so slowly into hers, I had time to weigh my options - turn into oncoming traffic, or attempt to move the car right (there were cars preventing this in both directions). I figured tapping her bumper was the lesser of three evils and certainly the least injurious. The bump (I wouldn't call it a hit) jostled T and I slightly. We couldn't have been going more than 10km/h when we impacted the rear bumper and as I cautiously looked up, I could see the damage was only a slight chip in her paint (about two inches across).
I scanned across the car to the driver's side and saw the silhouette of the person behind the wheel. The door of the car opened and the driver got out...

"Why you hit me??!"

(to be continued...)

*falling after finishing school, buying ski equipment, achieving world peace and finding a good cesear salad recipe...
Categories: Miscellaneous

Friday Feast #164

2007-10-12T08:02:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
When was the last time you were surprised?
Yesterday, when I managed to get my entire skiing equipment setup for under $1300. SCHWEET!

Soup
Fill in the blanks: My eyes are ________, but I wish they were __________.
My eyes are blue, but I wish they were x-ray.

Salad
If you were a Beanie Baby, what would you look like and what would your name be?
It would be a lion named Doris.

Main Course
Name two things you consistently do that you consider to be healthy habits.
Cycle and floss daily.

Dessert
What brand of toothpaste are you using these days? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I think it's Colgate. It cleans my god damn teeth, what more do you want, people?!?!

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Last Friday Feast #163

2007-10-10T07:56:00.001-04:00

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you look forward to your birthday?
After 30, I guess it would be around a 4. Not that I fear it, just doesn't mean as much as it used to when I was naive. :)

Soup
What is one word you don’t like the sound, spelling, or meaning of?
omnisexual

Salad
Do you wear sunglasses when you’re outside? If so, what does your current pair look like?
I do. Although I seem to have lost my sunglasses. :( They were highway patrolman type, mirrored jobbies.

Main Course
If you were to write a book, to whom would you dedicate it?
To me. I'm that asshole.

Dessert
Name a beverage that you enjoy.
Irn-Bru...just to be different.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Work Buffoonery

2007-10-01T08:17:00.000-04:00

I rarely write (or even talk) about what goes on at my job. It's partly a privacy thing and it's partly due to the simple fact that I find my job boring a lot of the time. Not boring to the point that I'm ripping out my hair with nothing to do, but I often think the amount of backstory required to contextualize any sort of anecdote about work isn't worth the outcome. The outcome being a mediocre, mildly amusing story.

Regular readers of this blog, on the other hand, will also note that one thing I LOVE to do is complain and bitch. So...here goes...

Any sort of text based description of my job and duties would be wholly inadequate to describe the sheer vastness of my skill set and how said skill set is used to great effect in my current position. No one else in the department does what I do, or knows as much about our systems as I do. That's not me blowing air into my already inflated head, it's just a fact. There's a reason I've stayed here this long and that reason is ~~the people~~ ~~the satisfaction~~ ~~the fulfillment~~ the money. You don't get the kind of money required to keep you in a mediocre job unless you're pretty damn good at it (or at the very least, damn good at making yourself look indispensable). I'm not saying I'm rolling in loot (far from it); I'm as comfortable as a 30-year-old who doesn't own any property could be, well maybe not THAT comfortable...

Being so indispensable means that a lot of people in the department contact me when they have problems or they need something done. I have no problem helping out someone who is having trouble with a program that is beyond their level of comfort or someone who can't figure out why some anomalous behaviour is taking place in the program. I don't, however, like helping people who are clearly using me as a human garbage can for the work they are unwilling to do for themselves. My bullshit detector in life is fairly attuned, but at work it is the equivalent of a Hatori Honzo sword...

There is a woman I work with whom covers me when I'm away and vice-versa. Our two jobs overlap a lot, but are quite divergent from each other at the same time. This woman is a sweetheart and has worked here for nearly 30 years - lovely lady. Problem is, she seems to enjoy being the human garbage can for work that others are unwilling to do. I guess it is probably some psychological hold-over from her days in the secretarial pool...or the typing pool...

Anyway, she'll bust her ass at 11:30pm on the last day of the month to process something for someone that needs it completed by 12am (even if said say occurs on a WEEKEND). That's how ~~stupid~~ dedicated she is. This practice becomes problematic when this selflessness is at the detriment to others...namely me.

This weekend, she did a bunch of work from home. Unfortunately, a screw-up in the servers and accessibility has meant that she cannot upload said work to the servers and as a result, the server is not accurate (as far as what is done and what isn't). And it won't be accurate until her finished work can be reconciled with the server copies of this work. It is a huge pain in the ass.

On the first day of every month, I have to run month-end reports from the previous month (including figures of work that has been completed). Since this weekend was the end of September and today is the first day of October - the figures won't be accurate. In other words, because she decided to bend over backwards to help some lazy-ass-muthah-fuckahs, I'm sitting here raring to go on a Monday morning and am effectively being told I can't do jackshit.

I'm more than a little annoyed.

And to top it off, I've just been told that instead of working from home tomorrow, I have to be in the office. For what, you ask? An office function. In other words...nothing to do with my job. That makes me want to hurt people.

Categories: rant, work

Friday Monday Feast #162

2007-10-01T07:52:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
How are you today?
I'm going to answer this as if it was Friday - I'm doing very well, looking forward to an evening out with Ian and Trevor tonight. (we had a rip roarin' good time...)

Soup
Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.
Heroes
Dexter
Coronation Street

Salad
What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?
Back when that tornado ripped through Barrie in the late 80s, my family happened to be driving through about 2 minutes later. The weather wasn't that scary, but the aftermath was FUCKED. UP.

Main Course
If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be?
England...but only for a couple weeks. Then I'd want to wake up back at home.

Dessert
What do you usually wear to sleep?
Undies - although I've been known to sleep naked.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Tacky...

2007-09-30T17:58:00.001-04:00

Since the anniversary of 9/11 passed recently and I'm listening to CBC Newsworld in the background, I just wanted to comment on the tackiness of this 9/11 memorial coin. A commercial for it just played on Newsworld...

The idea of a 9/11 commemorative coin is problematic at best, IMHO. The coin allegedly "contains silver...precious silver taken from the heart of Ground Zero." Is there not a better way to commemorate 9/11? Like...I dunno...perhaps an objet d'art that isn't the equivalent of a pop-up book?

And aren't these ads usually relegated to late night programming or the Game Show Network??

Categories: rant

R.I.P.

2007-09-30T10:50:00.000-04:00

It will great sadness that I write this blog entry. Lois Maxwell, Canadian-born actress best known for her long-running role as Miss Moneypenny in the first 14 Bond films, has died. Story here.

Lois Maxwell (1927-2007)

Categories: RIP

That mountain looks pretty high to me...

2007-09-28T12:18:00.000-04:00

See, if I post this and you laugh - you're the bad guy.

Categories: video

Cinnabon, who?

2007-09-27T08:33:00.000-04:00

This past weekend (yeah, I know its Thursday, a-hole), T had a lovely brunch planned for a very small group. It was a potluck-type deal, so I was up for it...love cooking stuff and being heaped with praise¹. I planned to make cinnamon buns; buns I saw made by Giada De Laurentis (a.k.a. Little Big Head - seriously, she's got whale-head syndrome like Oprah²) . The recipe looked good and easy (since I've got a breadmaker that can whip up dough faster than any Mehican worker I've ever smuggled in a packing crate). I set about making it and chronicled the event with my camera. Enjoy³.

First was the dough - she called for store-bought bread dough, so my first attempt was with store-bought pizza dough⁴. It didn't turn out as well, so I made it with my white sandwich bread dough recipe...I thought I had a picture of the dough, but I don't.

You make the dough, you let it rise for a bit and then you make this sugar mixture of brown sugar, white sugar, cinnamon, cloves and crushed hazelnuts (I used pecans because my grocery store is ghetto-licious and was 'out' of hazelnuts this century). You brush some melted butter on it and then evenly spread the mixture over the top, leaving an inch on each long end.

Then ya roll 'er up and cut it up into inch width pieces. Brush a baking dish with melted butter and place the sections, evenly spaced, in the dish.

You cover it with plastic wrap and keep it in a warm spot for about an hour as it rises.

You cook it at 325° for about 25 minutes. Keep a close eye on it, coz you don't want it to get too dark (or burn, dumbass).

While it cools for a few minutes, you take some cream cheese, icing sugar and buttermilk (or just regular milk you threw some lemon juice into and let sit for 15 minutes) to make the icing.

Put the icing aside and grab the rest of your melted butter and brush it generously over the top.

Then you can put icing on it if you wish. Frankly, at this point in production, I was too impatient to take a pic. You get the idea.

Turned out very well and considering the hardest part (the dough) turned out to be the easiest, I'd make it again for sure. It takes a lot of time, but the actual time you are working with it is quite minimal. Very good at impressing the guests with little effort involved.

:)

¹actually, that's more of a steadfast rule in my life as opposed to a mild mental discrepancy.
²who is coincidentally campaigning to end W.H.S. before 2020.
³try not to drool - they tasted as good as they look. :)
⁴coz youse knows I can'ts reads for shits

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #38

2007-09-27T08:23:00.000-04:00

This blog entry brought to you by...

The Kimball Organ.
Family gatherings will never be the same when
you pull this crowd pleaser out of mothballs and begin
pumping out tunes like "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore"
and "Jesus Wants Me For A Moonbeam."

To the lovely lady who held the door open for me this morning...

While I appreciate your efforts to be a considerate and thoughtful human being, said efforts are entirely moot when you only hold the door until I get my bike 3" inches over the threshold and then release it; sending the door crashing against my precious bio-mechanoid transport device, slamming it into my front tire, bending my front fender and then smiling. "You're too kind," I say.

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Orko Starfux...Interrupted.

2007-09-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

Categories: Orko

"I say this with love; we're very close. She's a pig."

2007-09-26T10:18:00.000-04:00

From "What Becomes a Semi-Legend Most" (1983)

Except some women can get older and have sex appeal...Elizabeth Taylor. [crowd hoots] Do they love her...don't you find her sexy? Well, I think she's fat.

[sporadic boos and silence]

Oh look how quiet the room got. You don't think she's fat - I think she's fat. And I say this with love; we're very close. She's a pig.

I think she's fat. Oh grow up, her thighs are going condo. Oh yes!

She wears stretch kaftans. This woman is fat.

["How fat IS she?"]

How fat is she? She has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

This woman can moon Europe!

This woman is FAT - mosquitos see her and scream, "BUFFET!"

Her bumper sticker says: "My Other Car is a Refrigerator!"

She puts mayonnaise on an aspirin!

I think she's fat - she drinks Pepsi Heavy.

I said to her, "What do you want on your hamburger?" She said, "A hot dog."

I take her around a lot. I took her to MacDonalds just to watch her eat and watch the numbers change.

She's the only woman I know who can stand in front of a microwave oven and go, "HURRY!"

Ah, Joan...how I love thee. And yes, I do remember a time when Elizabeth Taylor was sexy...many, many years ago now. And also, to answer your question - yes, I love kicking someone when they're down. It's not really mean unless you get caught.

Friday Feast #161

2007-09-23T08:22:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
What is your favorite type of art?
Probably abstract, although I love cubism also.

Soup
When was the last time you got a free lunch (or breakfast or dinner)? Who paid for it?
From my mum, about three weeks ago.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how emotional are you?
Probably a 6.

Main Course
Approximately how long do you spend each day responding to emails?
Is 8 excessive...??? :\

Dessert
To what temperature do you usually set your home’s thermostat?
The coldest humanly tolerable temperature. And I can tolerate a lot.

Categories: Friday_Feast

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

2007-09-20T09:10:00.000-04:00

This blog entry is brought to you by...

The "Stratolounger Lo-Back"

Every evening of TV dinner munching and boob-tube watching will be
one that doesn't give you back strain in the Stratolounger Lo-Back.
Available anywhere that fine furniture products are sold.

Just wanted to wish a Happy Belated Birthday to the emoticon!

:-) Standard Smiley (you are joking; satisfied)
:) Standard Smiley for lazy people
,-) Winking Smiley. You don't mean it, even if you are joking
;-) Winking Smiley. See above
:-> Follows a really sarcastic remark
(-: Left handed Smiley
:-( Sad Smiley. You aren't joking; You are not satisfied
:< Very Sad Smiley.
:C Very Sad Smiley
:-* Kissing Smiley
:X Kissing Smiley
:-* Kissing Smiley
:-<> Kissing Smiley
;-<> I-want-to-kiss-you smiley
:-@ French Kiss
:-)~~(-: French Kiss
:-)~~~~ French Kiss
:-@ Screaming; Swearing
:-() Yelling
XD Laughing hilariously
:^):< Is Naked
>8D Evil or crazed laughter
X) Being mischievous
:-D Laughing
|-I Asleep
:] Talk to me
:OI Mouth Full
:p~~ Drooling
;-<> Drooling
!o) Winking (Taking a peak)
:{ }: Two people talking
_@/ ascii snail - meaning a slow connection
=:~> Bunny
3< Mouse
<:3)~~~~ Mouse
:O~ Follows a really sarcastic remark
{:V Duck
y Baby bird
(o.o) Owl
<( @.@ )>Owl
3:-o Cow
3:(:) ) Cow
3:@~ Cow grazing
]:(:)) Happy cow
]:(:)( Sad cow
8^ Chicken
:]~~~~~~*Frog catching a fly
____/\___\o/___ Shark
<:>== Turkey
:@) (happy) pig
:8) pig
:©) pig
:(:) ) Happy pig
:(:)( Sad pig
})i({ butterfly
>"-[ [ [ [ ~~~ alligator
><> fish
~))))'> possum (large)
~)))'> possum (medium)
~))'> possum (small)
(:-B baby with a and buck teeth
~:O) baby
~:o baby
~(:O baby crying
:^{] father (with mustache)
+:-) doctor
P-( pirate
P^) pirate (with patch over an eye)
P^{) pirate
+-(:-) the pope
+O:-) the pope
+-:-) priest
+:-) priest
+<:-) nun
+O:-) nun
{:o)B->--< model
{:o)b->--< model
+o:-( model
(:)-) scuba diver
[:]-0 scuba diver
[{:-) happy businessman
<]:-o) Goofy witch
<]:-) happy witch
(|:)> Beatnik wearing a baret
O>------->-(>o-< parachute jumping
<¦-) Chinese person
<¦Þ Chinese person sticking out his tongue
C=:-) chef
c):o) cowboy
<):o) cowboy

Categories: Miscellaneous

"I must have scared the living daylights out of her..."

2007-09-19T10:22:00.001-04:00

As Tyler and I work our way through all 21 Bond films, we have arrived at The Living Daylights, which along with Licence to Kill, marks Timothy Dalton's only two appearances as Bond. I really, really like Dalton and think he was highly underrated. I'm glad in hindsight, his great performance in both movies is more appreciated. He was the Bond you knew would FUCK YOU UP if you crossed him - Dalton has an inherint psychotic quality about his James Bond that I really love.

The Living Daylights (1987)

Licence to Kill (1989)

Categories: video

Best Website Ever

2007-09-18T12:48:00.000-04:00

Word of the Week Archives

I've just spent sheer minutes perusing this blog and I know it will continue to entertain me throughout the next 90 seconds at least.

Seriously, check this out. Funny. Period.

Categories: Best_Website_Ever

10% OFF!

2007-09-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

Just got a call from my denist.

SEAN - "********, Sean speaking."
RECEPTIONIST - "Um...hi, Sean?"
SEAN - "Uh...yeah." (please imply your own sarcastic tone - I preemptively deem it to by wholly inadequate)
RECEPTIONIST - "Hi, Sean. This is **** from Dr. ****'s office. The hygienist is running a little late today..."
SEAN - "Uh huh..."
RECEPTIONIST - "...so we were wondering if you wouldn't mind coming in at 2:30 instead of 2."
SEAN - "Uh...sure, that's fine."
RECEPTIONIST - "Thanks, Sean. See you then."
SEAN - "Bye."

How DARE they bump me?! As Judy once said, "His life is NEARLY as important as MINE!"

I so feel like Bette Midler in Ruthless People...

BARBARA - "So, when do I get out of here?"
SANDY - "As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom."
BARBARA - "What's the problem? What is the ransom?"
SANDY - "Well, we asked for $500,000."
BARBARA - "That should be no problem."
SANDY - "He wouldn't pay."
BARBARA - "He wouldn't pay?"
SANDY - "Then we asked him for $50,000."
BARBARA - "Yeah?"
SANDY - "He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000."
BARBARA - "Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down?"
[Starts crying]
BARBARA - "I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!"

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #37

2007-09-18T08:37:00.000-04:00

To the moron who crossed into my path down a side street this morning:

THIS is proper crossing technique:

Method #1
Not diagonally across which, as any pythagorian fanboy will tell you, takes longer:

Method #2

You can, however, continue to be a retard and cross in a manner best suited to your PEDESTRIAN intellect (I also find this method acceptable):

METHOD #3

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Friday Feast #160

2007-09-17T12:31:00.000-04:00

A day (or two) late and a dollar short...

Appetizer
When was the last time you visited a hospital?
To see my gran when she broke her arm.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
Prolly around a 5. :\

Salad
Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)
Please enjoy naked internet surfing.

Main Course
If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
It would have to be disco and I would call it "The Poke 'n' Tickle"

Dessert
What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Hardwood brown - darker than lighter.

Categories: Friday_Feast

R.I.P.

2007-09-17T12:13:00.000-04:00

Looks like the motel room in Encino is completely empty now.

Brett Somers
(July 11, 1924 - Sept 15, 2007)

Sad.

Categories: miscellaneous

Best Website Ever

2007-09-16T10:19:00.000-04:00

PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

Sweet. :D

Categories: Best_Website_Ever

X above Y

2007-09-15T11:45:00.001-04:00

X is above Y.
X = You
Y = "the law"
Therefore, You are above "the law"

Now the only question remaining is why...and how, for that matter.

On no less than two occasions in the past 24 hours, I have witnessed people of varying means, intelligence and modes of transport exert their (apparently) god-given right to completely and utterly disregard all letters of the law. I give you...

Case 1:

Last night, my good buddy/neighbour Tyler and I were on our way out to purchase a couple (see: 4) sets of dishes that we'd both been eyeing at the ziggurat of affordable and marginally stylish kitchenwares - Kitchen Stuff Plus, or KSP to those out there who read our lengthy and colourful exchanges about their stock. As anyone who lives in downtown Toronto will know, last night saw the appearance of a storm to end all storms (although for my tastes, I prefer more lightning and thunder - less torrential downpours). We decided to venture out anyway for logistical reasons involved in painting Tyler's kitchen. I grabbed my umbrella, he grabbed his shopping cart and we headed off. We crossed the street (on the light, mind you - the white walkie-dude was lit up and the oncoming traffic was stopped at a red) and as we reached the other side, Tyler grabbed a cab that was STOPPED at the red light. As he grabbed the door handle, a wet-dog-looking girl comes barreling towards him on a bicycle and screams, "Get out of the fucking lane!" He was standing in the bike lane, but newsflash...t'was a red light, ass-clown. This girl had really decided to back the wrong horse last night because the shouting match that ensued was of truly intergalactic proportions. The gist: she was angry because it was raining and she didn't want to stop (she was planning on turning right, but again - newsflash, you still have to stop at every red, then turn). She screamed about us being in the bike lane and how she was soaked. Tyler screamed about her having to stop anyway and capped his argument off with "Are you having a bad day YET?!" ROFL For my part, I simply called her a cunt. What can I say...I was more concerned about not getting wet.

Does the rain give her a right to a) not stop, b) scream at people doing nothing wrong, c) all of the above, d) none of the above, or e) or f)? No, it doesn't...and you know that, because you're not stupid. Neither am I and neither is Tyler.

Case 2:

Just this morning, I was crossing the street, walking my bike, at the Bloor/Yonge intersection. I began to cross then this car decided to blow through the red light. I could hear someone on the other side of the intersection screaming, "It's a red light, asshole!" And I laughed because I find it amusing when strangers come on to me. Anyway, anyway, anyway...another car then blows through...the other traffic is now stopped, honking. And then ANOTHER car, followed by a motorcycle. The guy screams again about it being a red light. Then the motorcyclist, who I now notice is holding a sign which I can't read, says, "It's a FUNERAL! What are you staring at?!" This seemed to shut my pedestrian lover* up but I think to myself...a) where are the police escorts that would give you the right to blow through red lights and b) does being in a funeral motorcade allow you to have complete and utter disregard for the letter of the law? The answer of course is a) there were no police and b) no.

Very weird morning...and now I have to go help paint.

*your love making is so...pedestrian...

So once again - I am right and they are wrong. God. Why don't people just ASK me this shit before leaving their houses in the morning...???

Categories: rant

Stocks Looking Up

2007-09-13T14:02:00.000-04:00

Out of curiosity, I checked my HSX.com account today. After about 28 attempts at logging in...I managed to gain access. It would appear my stocks are looking up. If only it was real money... *sigh*

Categories: Miscellaneous

The Death Winks of Tiddly

2007-09-13T08:34:00.002-04:00

Good morning, gentle reader(s). This morning, yours truly was nearly snuffed out on no less than three occasions. I rode my bike (in the bike lane), helmet on, bell at the ready and reflectors going gangbusters - I was feeling pretty good. I was clearly visible (it's hard to miss me in a crowd, unfortunately) and I usually don't find myself worried (or frightened) as I drive my Raleigh into work. I love riding my bike in the city. Problems rarely occur.
Strangely, this morning several problems presented themselves. As I rode down the street in the bike lane, I was going quite quickly. I think the speed I was going was equal or slightly less than the cars riding to my left. I neared the intersection of Carlton and Sherbourne and the light was green. REAL green. Like the green you imagine when you have dreams of leprechauns in Ireland, prancing around pots-o'-gold as their buckle shoes clippity-clop across the dew-laden, emerald-hued blades of grass. Also, the newly-installed amber light countdown had just begun its 10 second descent. I got closer to the intersection (going quickly, as I said) and was about 5 feet from entering it (the amber countdown was at 7) and a truck and trailer, not entirely dissimilar to the monstrosity picture below...

...begins it's tedious, laborious and all-together idiotically SLOW entrance into the intersection. I slammed on both handbrakes so intensely that my bike fishtailed through the middle of the intersection. I had no idea my bike tires could replicate the squeal of a quick braking car so effectively. My back tire lurched forward on my right as I finally stopped about a foot from this truck. Conveniently, the sister-poking fuckwad 'driver' was hidden behind atrociously 80s tinted windows. I put out my hand, shrugged and was like, "YEAH?" There was no reaction that I could make out, but I got off my bike and walked as slow was I could around him as his light finally changed to green and the people behind his assclown camper van began to get annoyed.
After that, I drove through Allan Gardens, which was unusually busy, without incident. I entered onto Gerrard Street, continuing towards Jarvis, which was red. I could see a car in the bike lane, stopped at the light and waiting to turn right (that's what signals are for - just FYI to any morons out there). I pulled up on his right and stopped. I noticed the traffic travelling northbound on Jarvis was still going, but assumed this guy would turn right (as he had the right to do) once the traffic thinned - which it did. I sat and watched, mesmerized by his right turn signal that was clicking...on...off...on...off...and his car wasn't moving. I actually bent down to look through the window of the Ford Tempo to see what kind of mental-midget I was dealing with. Couldn't really see. I waited and waited and no traffic was coming on Jarvis...he now had probably 45 seconds in which he could have turned. I noticed the walk signal turn to the ominous orange hand at the opposite corner. Of course...NOW...he's gonna turn. But no, he just sits there. Sits and sits...and sits and sits...
The light goes green and I get ready to push through the intersection. The Tempo LURCHES forward and into my path. I think smoke actually came out of my ears, but I couldn't see, obviously. I pedaled in front of his car and continued, forcing him to wait. Asshole. I imagine this is the same variety of prick that would blow through a right-hand turn at a no-right-hand turn corner. JACKASS.
Finally, I was travelling along Gerrard, heading towards University and some lolly-gagging rollerblader is doing this South-Beach-esque move of looking all whimsical as she skates, cutting a huge curvy line that spans the entire width of the very generous bike lane. I'm riding behind her, clearly faster, as she moves left...and then right...left...right. (I often wish I had front mounted machine guns on my bike, like in For Your Eyes Only...) I rang my bell, but this bitch was doing her thang much to the consternation of well...anyone else on the road. Finally, I passed her, making sure to turn back into the lane just a second too soon...if only to ensure that if she was riding the crimson wave, it truly would be a heavy flow day.
I did finally arrive at work, alive, obviously. I seriously wonder how some people acquire licenses...perhaps the same way you would acquire a black market baby; trenchcoats, black fedoras and hushed tones echoing through an alleyway populated exclusively by shit.

Categories: rant

Fred Thompson & Miss America?

2007-09-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

From Fred Thompson's presidential run webcast...

"What we need is another spike in American creativity in our nation. Over the past several years we've had revolutions in our communications, science and medical fields; we need to revive that same American know-how for our energy security."

In other words, to solve the fuel crisis...

"We need to get some dag-gone inventions up hee-ah in this place!"

Seriously...the man's genius and forward thinking is so vast it probably shoves his fat ass friends right out of the fucking room.

Educated in South Carolina, no doubt...

He must be smart though - he invented a new word:

"beauracratized"

Categories: rant

Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace Channel 5!

2007-09-11T08:37:00.000-04:00

Gayest. Game. Ever.

Space Channel 5

It's also pretty damn addictive, unfortunately.

Chu...right-right-left...CHU!!

Categories: Miscellaneous

Tips for Retards™ - Tip #36

2007-09-11T08:23:00.000-04:00

To the imbecile who lives on my floor:

What part of "Please place all trash in tied bags before disposing in garbage chute" makes you think you can put a G.F'ING.D. bed frame in the refuse??? And not even IN the garbage chute room...laying precariously on the floor next to it where any child could take their snot-nosed, beady, little eyes out.

Although...admittedly, I'd pay money to see those brats next door to me reduced to only 50% of their Nickelodeon-vision. Perhaps my apartment door would be bashed into only half as many times on a sunny Saturday morning...

...suffer, shitheads.

Turrah!

Categories: Tips_For_Retards

Friday Feast #159

2007-09-07T10:29:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
Using only one word, how does grocery shopping make you feel?
Sexy

Soup
What is your favorite part about the season of Autumn?
The temperature/lack of humidity.

Salad
Have you ever had any bad experiences online?
That's too easy...

Main Course
Name three things that make you happy daily.
Orko, HS and bike riding.

Dessert
What one household cleansing or organizing item would you not want to be without?
FANTASTIK!

Categories: Friday_Feast

Friday Feast #158

2007-09-01T17:58:00.000-04:00

Appetizer
Who is the easiest person for you to talk to?
"Hmmmm...me - coz I've got time - I'll listen. And I'll never say anything to myself that will hurt my feelings." (Ellen Cleghorne)

Soup
If you could live in any ancient city during the height of the quality of its society and culture, which one would you choose?
Probably Greece...I don't care.

Salad
What is the most exciting event you’ve ever witnessed?
Um...I dunno if 'exciting' is the word, frankly.

Main Course
If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt?
Murder my wife.

Dessert
What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child?
The age at which you know everything. For most people this would be never. For me, however, it was 23 years old.

Categories: Friday_Feast

Pickle Licker

2007-08-26T11:03:00.001-04:00

Categories: video