The FORTRESS of SOLITUDE

My friend Doug and I were having a conversation on Saturday evening about life and crap and stuff and suddenly, I was struck with a brainwave of incredible intensity.

We have AA, AAA, C and D batteries...

...but what about A, B and variations on the two juggernauts of C and/or D?

Doug gave me an answer and I vaguely remember it, but frankly, I think the query is more interesting than any result.

Talk amongst yourselves...

Kate Bush Parody (Pamela Stephenson)
Oh England My Leotard
Not the Nine O'Clock News (1979)

"The Ballad of Lucy Jordan"
Marianne Faithful (1980)

"I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper"
Sarah Brightman & Hot Gossip (1979)

Appetizer
What comes to mind when you see the color orange?
The orange polo I have...not much else.

Soup
Did you ever get in trouble while you were in school? If so, what was it for?
I got into trouble for fighting with another guy over a girl. Seriously.

Salad
Which topping(s) make up your perfect pizza?
Pepperoni that is CRISP (like overcooked bacon) and crumbled bacon.

Main Course
Do you believe in UFOs/aliens/etc.? Why or why not?
Kinda...but also kinda not. Joan Rivers said it best...

"The National Inquirer! UFO sightings, right? That's the caliber of story they have in the National Inquirer...OH! And a UFO has never been spotted by a smart person. A UFO has never been spotted by an intelligent person! Believe me...a UFO has never landed at Yale, or Harvard, or Princeton...it's always two assholes with Coors beer on a recreational vehicle. 'I sawd it! I sawd it! I wud skinnin' rabbits and there it was! It's screwed Minnie - I enjoyed it!' And a UFO has never landed on a Jewish lawn because then we'd turn it over to see who'd made it."

I tend to go with her observations of the entire thing. :)

Dessert
What color is your bedspread/comforter/quilt?
Dark blue and beige.

My Knight In Black Leather,
from "Thighs and Whispers" - Bette Midler (1979).

From Bedknobs & Broomsticks (1971), the lesser known and lesser appreciated half-sister of Mary Poppins. I personally love both films.

Boney M - Belfast (Live on Musikladen)

I know, I know - it's been a while since I became so enraged at the idiots that surround me daily that I felt the need to offer them tips. But...your lucky day has arrived.

This morning, whilst walking my ass to work, I was involved in an altercation. Well, it was not so much an 'altercation' as it was me falling into a massive puddle of retardation (not unlike the people on the Nestea commercial). I however, did not feel the need, nor the desire, to take the plunge - I was forced.

As I walked, a woman walking her mongrel approached me. Now, don't get me wrong - I love dogs. I do not like dog owners who are the mental equivalent of the mutts they own. Case in point: this woman approaches me on the sidewalk. I am walking on the right side and she is walking on my left (or her right). The dog she is walking is on a leash, stretched out about 6 feet to her left - in other words, directly across my pathway.

I approach this monstrous buffoon and can see the dog's leash in my path from approximately 200 metres away. Unfortunately, her brain isn't functioning or is functioning at a level that could light a potato clock and not much else, because this bitch walks and walks and walks and never once pulls the dog over to her side. She just keeps trucking along, oblivious to anyone else on planet Earth that might be using the SHARED sidewalk. As I get about 10 feet away, I think maybe she'll finally wise up - but no, the fucker just keeps going as if her dog is more important than me. Please.

So I have to step OVER the leash and avoid stepping on the dog and she doesn't even say 'excuse me' or 'sorry' or 'my bad.' Fuck you, asshole. That's right! I SAID IT.

Hey, IDIOTS! That piece of string between you and your fucking mutt isn't there for decoration, nor is it there for you to tie back your extensions after a hard day on your knees. Use it to control your dog who doesn't know better. That is, of course, unless you yourself don't know better in which case, the leash should be around YOUR neck with the other end around a FUCKING TREE BRANCH!!

I said good day!